Is this just a weird phase?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Is this just a weird phase?
2
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:30pm

Hi,

I started seeing my (ex)girlfriend over a year ago and now it has all ended in tears, quite literally. She has ended our relationship only a few days ago. I love this girl so much and it is difficult to try and move on when I have this niggling doubt that she acted in haste because of a past experience.

This is a bit long, but I need to explain the circumstances surrounding these events, so please bear with me!

Before we got to together she had been married. She got married at an early age and this marriage lasted for 10 years. The 'spark' in their relationship went after just five years but they continued to be together for the remaining five years. Both of them knew in their hearts that there was nothing left to stay together for, but they pressed on regardless and bought a house together during this time (no kids or anything).
She finally had the guts to end their marriage because (unknown to me at the time) she had feelings for me. We had previously been working together for a couple of years you see. We had always got on, and I was attracted to her but knew she was married so never made my feelings known.

Anyway, I was surprised as you can imagine, and we started seeing each other almost immediately. I figured that it wasn't any kind of 'rebound' thing since she fell out of love with her husband years ago and they hadn't been 'together' in that way for this time. I, myself had been single a for a few years by this time.
All went well in the months that followed and we even moved in together, went on holidays, etc. I couldn't have been happier, and nor (or so I thought) could she. One thing that was always a bit of issue was the fact that she seemed quite unsure of my feelings towards her. Despite the things that I did for her and telling her that I loved her she would always check that this was definately the case. There were many times that she thought that I was interested in someone else too. This was *never* the case, ever. Up until recently she told me that she 'loved me more than I could possibly know', and she knew that I felt the same too. In a nutshell we had a good relationship (in all ways), with a few bumps here and there, but who doesn't, right? We never argued.

Fast forward to just over a month ago. She leaves her job where we worked together to embark on a new career path. This involved attending a training course for several weeks. My plan was to support her throughout this by making sure she was financially okay during the time she wasn't earning any money. During her time on the course she met another guy who she 'clicked' with. She had spoken of him before and even been out to lunch with him but I never twigged as I trusted her and understood that she would make new friends.

Fast forward again to nearly 2 weeks ago. She was 'off' with me Monday night. I asked what the matter was and it all came out. She told me that she didn't know what she wanted anymore and that she had this guy she met on her training course on her mind. She said that she still loved me, but had thoughts about this other guy, and that it wasn't right. I must stress that she didn't do anything with this guy. She suggested that we have a 'break' so that she could sort her head out. Of course, I obliged and stayed away for a few days. By Saturday morning she phoned me and told me that it was over and that I should move out of the house! In just 5 days! The fact that she couldn't stop thinking about this guy was one of the reasons, but she also cited that we were 'too different'. I never saw this coming, and I certainly never thought we were that different that we couldn't have good relationship.

So, I spend the next week looking for somewhere to live, staying with friends. I've never felt so bad in my entire life. It really reaffirms just how much you love someone when you loose them. We kept in touch during this time by text messages so that I could arrange to move my stuff out of the house. Her messages to me were totally emotionless despite my best efforts to keep things cheery and friendly with no reference to our situation (despite how low I was feeling).

I found somewhere to live and finally picked my things up from the a couple of days ago. She was perfectly normal/stright with me right up to the point where we hugged and said our goodbyes. I cried (of course), but then she cried too. It was horrible. She told me that she still has feelings for me, but that she can't love me like I want her to. Oh, and am also the nicest guy she's ever known. She wants to stay in touch with me and go out sometime for a drink, although I think this will be difficult for me if I've any chance of moving on with things.

Now, some pathetic part of me thinks that she might have seconds thoughts. It just seems all a bit cut-and dry for my liking, especially since in only took 5 days from us being a normal couple (emotionally and physically) to being as though we never had a relationship. There may have been some early warning signs but whenever she is a bit off with me and I ask why, the reply is always 'nothing'. Despite my best efforts, I never even got a second chance. I love and care for this girl so much and I really thought that we were going to have a good future together. We talked of marriage and even children further down the line. People said we were really good together - I honestly think that the relationship was worth fighting for.

Am I wrong to be thinking this way? Was she spooked because she's scared of a repeat of what happened in her marriage? My 'excision' from her life was an exact repeat of how it ended with her husband, only quicker and no legal stuff. I felt as though the 'we are too differenent' line was just a cop-out. I sent her a text message not long after I saw her when I picked my stuff up. Nothing intense, just asked her how she was. I also left her with a letter telling her that I hope all goes well for her and that I will always be there for her (not a begging letter). I've not heard from her since. Should I leave her alone for a while (no contact)? Am I a idiot for not accepting that out relationship is completely over? Maybe I was too complacent in our relationship, but then she never told me when she had any problems.

Please help me get my thoughts straight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:00pm

Welcome to the board danon_uk,


It seems that this is a pattern with her. She did the same with the her ex husband and now she did it to you. Something is keeping her from being happy in her relationship and truly commiting to them. I believe she will continue this matter until she figures out what is behind this.


Sorry you had to go through this.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:12am
I know it hurts, but nothing you do can change her. You need to let this one go and move on. Don't contact her for your own sake and don't be right there for her if she contacts you. It sounds like she needs to get her 'stuff' together. Move on my dear and find someone who deserves to be with a guy like you. Good Luck!