Just When I Start Moving On (Kinda Long)
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| Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:51pm |
My ex and I were together for over a year. We met online and I had for the first time, a "love at first sight" moment. He was ten years older than me too, a quality I can not resist is an older man. (I am 26) I have never felt that way about anyone again, nor had I ever felt it before. We had a connection I thought would never grow stale, never fade and so on and so forth.
But, he became distracted, he let everything that affected him in a personal manner, come between us, rather than let it help us grow together. Eventually, he left me for a flat chested mail lady. Who, (after he bought the dream home he had always wanted) moved in with him, and broke his heart, and kept the house too. He was devastated, and turned to me for comfort and friendship. At the time, I was still desperately in love with him. So I blindly played along to this little "Friendship". Ultimately things got out of hand, and I slept with him. I threw caution to the wind, and let myself fall madly in love with him. Little did I know, he was not yet over the flat chested mail lady.
So he ping ponged between she and I, only letting me know he was with her if I asked. Telling me the whole time, that there was a cahnce we could still be together, but not being completely honest about her.
Eventually, I ended up doing a very stupid thing and lent him some money. I should never have done it, it was very bad, but he had helped me out of several jams when I was a struggling cashier clerk with my old company.
After I lent him the moeny we talked for a few more weeks before he told me he was still seeing the mail lady, at which point I erupted and told him to never bother me again. I said I wanted what was mine, and that he should just repay me, and leave me alone.
He dissapeared. Did not pay me, and left me in the midst of a finacial web that I was almost unable to escape. (Thank God for Family)
A few months ago, I started dating again. I have been dating a lot and I just met a man who is very nice. But nothing I feel for him is close to my ex. He makes a ridiculous amount of money, and with him I would never want for anything. I wasn't even thinking about my ex, and today, after over a month of not hearing from him, he sent me an email.
It said that he had finally lost the "Ball and Chain" and that he was sorry for dissappearing, and that he wanted his "Friend" back.
As soon as I saw the letter from him, my heart jumped, my mouth went dry, and I felt my stomach flip flop. I am still in love with the jerk. And I don't know what to do now.

Love is about caring, loving, sharing, respect, admiration, trust, I could go on, but I hope you get my meaning. This man does NOT display any of these qualities. Erin (doubleblade) I hope she reponses to your post.
Enough about him. You - you are getting sucked in because something in you, infatuation, obession, lack of esteem, the need to be validated by him, wanting a relationship with him at all costs (cost meaning your self-worth, self-esteem, what you value about you) is causing to hold on to FALSE HOPE, that just maybe this guy has changed. He hasn't.
Work on you - namely your self-esteem (why would you let anyone treat you this way) then start the healing and letting go process - grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.
And if you just can't let go, then call him, but be prepared for the same roller coster ride you were on before, because this man doesn't know who he is or what he really wants, especially if he hasn't been in therapy since the last time he disappeared.
My best to you on your decision.
Carrie
I can't explain why. I date men who are good honest guys, they just don't fit with me. I posted a while back because I was dating guys who were great in the physicall aspect of the relationship, but they fell very short on the intellectual. And I guess that is one of the things that hung me up on him. We would talk for hours and hours about everything. I am not saying he was perfect, no one is. But he was the best thing that ever happened to me when we were together just he and I. before the break up, before the mail lady etc.
I guess the worst part of this is, that he has three children with his ex-wife, one of them is a stepchild, but it doesn't make a difference in his eyes. They divorced because she was a cheater, a baaaad cheater. While we were together I spent a summer with them (the kids he and I), as a family almost. And I fell madly in love with those kids. I think that maybe part of the hang up. I really miss them too. But it isn't JUST them.
I know I HAVE TO LET HIM GO, I just don't know HOW. It hurrrrrrrts.
Remember..we teach ppl how to treat us..and to him..you are an easy target. Vulnerable because of the feelings you still hold for him and he knows it! He uses you for sex, companionship and when he's bored of you..he drops you like a hot potato for someone else..and he'll do it again.
Stand up tall girl! Realize your worth. You deserve soooo much better than this! He's a user and always will be. And he's manipulative. He knows what buttons to push to get the response he wants from you. Show him the real you! The new and improved YOU. The one that deserves respect. Show him that you are stronger and wont allow him to come back and forth into your life anymore. He's shown you his true colours. Ya gotta love the way he desribed the mail lady to you...as his "baggage" he's gotten rid of. I wonder what descriptive adjectives he used to describe YOU to her when he left you for her??
He has absolutely no respect for women! He uses them then throws them to the curb. Take the lessons you have learned and stand tall! Show him the real YOU..and what you deserve from a friendship. He didnt think your friendship was a priority before...and he wont now.
Deborah
"You know the stuff is poison, but you've got to have a taste." -Steven Tyler
Now for some Ivy wisdom... Do you take out the trash and then bring it back in he house? NO. The same principle applies to break-ups.
DO NOT allow yourself to fall back into his trap. I believe in second chances, but they should be employed only when it's really deserved. This guy has not given you one reason to believe that anything would change if you let him back in your life. If you value your heart, sanity and dignity, YOU CANNOT LET HIM BACK IN YOUR LIFE. He will take what is left of those precious things that make you who you are. He's a liar, a cheater and someone who takes advantage of you whenever you naively let him around you. As if all of that were not bad enough, he's done this to you REPEATEDLY. A second chance should only be given once, and only if there's evidence that something in the person may have changed. There is no such thing as a second second chance.
If you let him back in, you're only inviting trouble and misery. End of story.
Ivy
georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com
I know it hurts because you want the situation to be different. You want to heal what ails him, you want to be the one that makes it all better for him and out of that you get his love, attention and approval, but he's proved to be unworthy.
Letting go is decision based on your best interests and grieving for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.
Marianne Williamson says something about 'we draw in people that reflect our emotional state' (like attracts like).
Edited 4/20/2004 12:42 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie