Justified Feelings?
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| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:28pm |
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years(he is 45 and I will be 37 soon. He has 4 children from a previous marriage(23,21,19, and 17), we have 2 children together(5 and 3).
Our marriage has never been that great. Maybe the first year(we were married 6 months after we met) was great. I think we were both overwhelmed by our sexual attraction to each other. My DH was on his exceptional good behavior those first 6 months. When I look back on it, he really portrayed someone he was not, and I really fell for it. He talked alot about slowing down(partying), he talked as if children and family were sooo important to him. He even pretended to like food he didn't and that he was health conscious. I was looking for someone with strong family values,honest, loyal, etc....I was stupid to not wait longer.
He is a retail business owner, and works a lot of hours. He has always provided well for all of his children, even when we were in a cash crunch. He never wanted 6 children, but he does love them very much, although his absence with business and pleasure might make you think otherwise.
We disagree on so many things, we argue alot(about money, raising the kids, his sense of responsibility, sex). We have fought much in front of our little ones and the older ones. During both my pregnancies and 1 year after, he adopted female friends to hang out with. These were female friends that would show up at his store closings to go and have a drink with him. He would tell me he was going out to have a drink, but would exclude who with. I would usually find out. We live in a small town. I would have to say there have been a total of 3 women in the last 9 years that he has "hung" out with. The last one, even showed up on the same lake island he was spending an evening at. She worked for him, and his mother and older sons were disgusted at how he would flirt with her during work hours(The situation kinds of reminds of Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton). There were a couple of times there were rumours he was having an affair, which at the time I believed he wasn't. I really could not even say he did at this point. He would say I was "paranoid", and that there was something wrong with me for being jealous.
This past year, I dropped 15 pounds(I look better than I ever have), I decided to invest in my clothing, because I was sick of being the spendthrift(Always trying to pay off the bills). My DH would drop $100 on alcohol in one night, he would go on mini trips, and drop a small fortune on himself. I never did, and now I am investing in myself. I am going back to school to finish my accounting degree. I am seeing a counselor to see how to stop the anger I feel towards him, because he will never change. This is my last ditch effort to save our marriage. We have been to counseling together, and he is just mean and lies to make himself look better. I refuse to go with him anymore.
The irony of it all, he thinks I am having an affair now! I told my mother it was with myself(hahaha!). He has been on his best behavior lately. I think its because he knows I'm going to a counselor, and he doesn't want me to have more fuel for the fire.
I am doing what I'm doing because I don't want to leave this marriage and realize it was me that destructed it. I wanted to try and stay together for the sake of our kids, but if things do not change permanently I think it would be to their detriment to stay together.
Does anyone have any advice or see any flaws in my thinking? I have been consumed with what the effects of divorce will be on all of us. I wish I had a crystal ball.
Thanks in advance,
Confused mother of two

Big hugs
What a sad situation!