Keep it light or go deep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Keep it light or go deep?
32
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:41am
tomorrow i am meeting my ex? GF for lunch. she broke up with me a few days before thanksgiving -- very suddenly, without warning, after an intense year together when we slept together virtually every night and shared dinner, breakfast, drives to work, vacations -- EVERYTHING. Then, suddenly, she announced she was breaking up saying she needed time and space. we last saw each other about two weeks ago -- she said she loved me and hugged me. she had tears in her eyes as she left. i have honored her request for time and space, as tough as it is. My question is, regarding tomorrow, should i just keep it all light and happy, as if i've sort of moved on? Talk about our holiday plans, work, etc. and nothing deep about us? i really want to find out more, what she's thinking, where she's at, etc. but i also don't want to sound desperate or pushy. i love her so much. a couple of close friends have told me to not bring up anything about us -- just kep it light and on the surface. First of all, i'm not sure I can do that. I want to tell her that I love her and think about her all the time. i want to share where i'm at -- and hear where she's at. it seems wierd to not have that sort of discussion considering the depth of what we shared - that she should understand and expect, and maybe even want a conversation about us and where we're at. any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:14pm
But I don't think you should worry about keeping it light or acting as if everything is fine if it isn't. This is really bothering you. So act yourself and say what you need to.

To me the worst breakup is when you don't know why, or get the chance to communicate about what is happening and get closure.

This is just my opinion though and it seems important to you what your friends and others think. And my opinion is in the minority.

Do you two work together regularly?

'here we are, headed into new year's eve, and i don't even feel i can ask her out'

Why would you ask her out if she broke up with you? It seems you want to go into this meeting acting a certain way to get her back. It isn't that easy. What if she does decide she wants to see you romantically. You will eventually feel resentment for what happened and still want answers from her. You deserve an explanation.

The pain will decrease. Really.

Good luck

Gina


Edited 12/17/2003 5:18:13 PM ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:41pm
Gina, raised an excellent point about closure. Some of us need closure more than others but it is something we all do need. When my own relationship went sour I needed answers so I could get closure. I guess that's what you are going through right now. I didn't have an opportunity to ask my questions but you do.

I hope it turns out well, T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:35am
i'm experiencing the same thing except it's my boyf who asked for time & space. he says he isn't breaking up or looking for anyone else but he said he needs time alone to think & fix his problems. i'm wondering if it's similar with men & women when they ask for space? i know what you're going through, it's hard to keep control not to call her & ask "WHY? WE WERE DOING FINE & THIS SUDDENLY HAPPENS? I THOUGHT WE WERE OKAY..?"

but the more you try to reach/"nag" her, the more she'll get messed up. the best thing to do i guess is to not force the issue (i admit i did a couple of times while crying my eyes out). hope you be strong with all this & i'd like to hear more with what is happening to you because i can relate & i am still going though it right now. it will help me keep my ground & sanity..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:13am
well, thanks everyone for your comments. they are very helpful. as of this point, i still don't know how i am going to handle it. the meeting is today so i may just wing it, see how it goes, keeping in mind everything that i've heard here. i agree that i need some definition in this, i guess the only question is whether i should pursue it today when we are meeting obstensibly to discuss a business project. i don't want her to think i used the work thing as a reason to get together to discuss all of this. i could handle this one "light" and then contact her tonight or tomorrow to meet and discuss our relationship, and go "deep."
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:32am
Perhaps she met someone on her trip who has led her to feel confused about your relationship? Just a theory. I'm sorry for your pain.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 10:55am
hi destiny and all,

well we had the lunch and it was warm and friendly, emotional as well. she wasn't taking the conversation anywhere beyond the surface, and i decided i would open the door. if she were to go there, i would follow, if not, i would have kept it light. after the general chit-chat of half hour or so, i asked her simply if she could tell me where she was at with us, if that was something she felt comfortable with doing. she went ahead and got into it. and we had a very good dialogue about it. there were teary eyes on both of our parts. The bottom line, she decided that she was basically living two lives -- one with me and a small circle of her friends who knew about me and liked to hang out with us, etc. and another life with her family and hometown friends who she could not share her relationship with me with. that's due to a variety of factors including -- our age difference -- i'm in my 40's,she's in her early 20's, my previous marraige, my 3 children, not to mention a close working relationship. she couldn't come to grips with explaining this to her parents, which i can understand. they have high expectations for her, as she does for herself. I can imagine how i might react if my daughter came home with that kind of story/relationship. so the bottom line, and i think we both tried to avoid this issue for most of our relationship, was that this day was going to come sooner or later. while we both got a lot of each other and loved each tremendously and intensely, the circumstances of our situation finally hit home and became overwhelming to her. as she said, she felt like part of her life was living a lie -- and she's not a lieing sort of person. while she didn't have a good explanation of why it came on so suddenly, and why she felt she had to act so suddenly, i guess it doesn't really matter. she said she didn't think she handled it the best, but i guess how do you know the best way. for me, the fallout is the imense abandonment i feel at being suddenly alone and apart from the day to day contacts, morning, noon, calls, checking on each other, touching base on the drive home, planning dinner and the night's activities, sharing the nights activities, making love every night, and the holding and snuggling as we slept wrapped around each other. Here today. Gone tomorrow. Just like that. I can't fault her for her decision. In my rational mind, it makes all the sense in the world. I see exactly why this had to be. It doesn't make it any easier. I want more than anything to reach back and grab what we had and take it with me -- but it's gone. our final parts of the conversation was spent with me telling her that i hope she leaves this feeling good about what we had, and not thinking of it in any negative way. she said that i was the best person/boyfriend she could ever imagine -- but the circumstances weren't going to go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 11:07am
I am glad you checked in here and that you got an explanation from her. I hope you can move forward now. I have been in a situation similar to yours where the relationship had been intense and wonderful. One day he told me he loved me more than anything and the next day he was gone without a real explanation or a chance for me to get closure. Of course he was in such denial that he couldn't explain it to me if he wanted. It was the hardest break up ever. Once I got distance the reasons were as clear as day.

Anyway, it does get easier every day and you will meet someone who appreciates everything about you without feeling she needs to lie or live 2 separate lives.

Good luck

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 12:11am
sorry to hear that goodguy.. i can see her struggles also. as for you, i can imagine the pain you're going through. i'm happy that you've accepted things & as you've said, it doesn't make it any easier, but at least you're aware & moving step by step. i'm sorry it had to end but it ended well, she gave you this conversation & didn't run or hide from you. honestly i can't help but feel some hope for you two to try things out again because maybe i want to be positive about my problem also. i'll try to keep in mind how your conversation went & try to be like you when, if ever, i have that talk with my boyfriend..if you can do it, then so must i.. hope you get through this well, reading your posts made me feel a little less alone & trying to improve myself like how you handled yourself..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 8:22am
destiny and all,

thanks. i still find myself thinking of her daily, hourly. and i still have some feeling of hope as well that once things settle down she may decide to reach out to me -- but i think she is trying to work things out for herself. in the meantime, a friend who knew i was hurting helped set up a potential new "friend" for me, as i had asked her to help me meet some new people. i met this new "friend" yesterday for coffee. we ended up talking for about two hours over coffee and had a nice, fun conversation. we learned a lot about each other and there seemed to be some real interest in possibly pursuing things. she is a lot closer to my age than my gf? and really had a lot of good things about her. i was VERY attracted to her. anyway we had a nice discussion and we made plans to see each other again, including possibly doing something on new years. as we left and said our goodbyes, we went to give each other a hug and our lips inexplicably connected first. wow! we shared two our three "little" kisses -- not open mouth or anything as we were standing outside the coffee shop, mid-afternoon -- but nice tender lip kisses that let each other know there could be much more to come. it was VERY nice. so, while i still wonder/agonize over gf?, I know have something new and positive to think about -- and that is the BEST shot in the arm I can imagine to take my mind off gf? and perhaps help me to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:05am
Be careful here. Jumping into something new may cause new problems and stress. You are on the rebound. Why not look for other diversions too?