Keep it light or go deep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Keep it light or go deep?
32
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:41am
tomorrow i am meeting my ex? GF for lunch. she broke up with me a few days before thanksgiving -- very suddenly, without warning, after an intense year together when we slept together virtually every night and shared dinner, breakfast, drives to work, vacations -- EVERYTHING. Then, suddenly, she announced she was breaking up saying she needed time and space. we last saw each other about two weeks ago -- she said she loved me and hugged me. she had tears in her eyes as she left. i have honored her request for time and space, as tough as it is. My question is, regarding tomorrow, should i just keep it all light and happy, as if i've sort of moved on? Talk about our holiday plans, work, etc. and nothing deep about us? i really want to find out more, what she's thinking, where she's at, etc. but i also don't want to sound desperate or pushy. i love her so much. a couple of close friends have told me to not bring up anything about us -- just kep it light and on the surface. First of all, i'm not sure I can do that. I want to tell her that I love her and think about her all the time. i want to share where i'm at -- and hear where she's at. it seems wierd to not have that sort of discussion considering the depth of what we shared - that she should understand and expect, and maybe even want a conversation about us and where we're at. any suggestions?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:22am

Please do not use this new woman as a distraction from your pain!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:34pm
i didn't mean to give the wrong impression or imply that i was "using" this person to get over my pain. in fact, i was just looking for new people to meet to hang out with, to go out with, etc., since i had so much invested in my gf? i had let other relationships, especially those that might help occupy weekend nights, drift. i don't want to be sitting home on a Fri/Sat night thinking about gf? and i also don't want to venture out to the "singles" scene at bars, etc., anymore than i have to. i have several other diversions, have taken up yoga on a regular basis (6 classes in the last 8 days) and spending more time with family and friends who have been supportive of me.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:41pm

Unless you told this new woman *exactly* what is going on in your head with respect to your ex (and I mean in gory detail...the fact that she is on

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:19pm
Sheri, i appreciate your points. How do I know that I might not want to "move on" with this new friend involved in my life? as i mentioned, sparks were flying and i have a feeling that, given the official "breakup" announced by my gf?, that despite my shock and surprise, that our relationship is over anyway. there are just too many obstacles that i think my gf? finally concluded were insurmountable -- our 20 year age difference, previous marraige, children, etc., so why not move on, if I happen to meet someone? already, i find myself thinking a little less painfully and longlingly about my gf? - with the feelings replaced by some excitement of what may lie ahead. Not that I am necessarily looking to "lock-in" with someone else in a replacement-type relationship -- but what would be wrong with finding someone I wanted to be with that we would exchange fun times/warmth -- while keeping things lighter than my previous 100% full-tilt relationship.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:44pm

Re-read your post, please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 6:09pm
'but what would be wrong with finding someone I wanted to be with that we would exchange fun times/warmth -'

Have you told her this? Does she know that you just out of a relationship that you didn't want to leave?

And maybe you don't feel that you are using her but you are so confused and haven't even gone through all the steps involved in recovery that you aren't really prepared to be in a relationship. You at least owe it to this girl to explain what is happening if you aren't going to wait good amount of time before dating.

You know, sitting around and feeling bad is not necessarily a bad thing. You need to process what is happening so you can eventually move on. The best way out is through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:05pm
i say get her back as sooooon as you can, girls sometimes do that. it seams to me that she probably got caught in the routine and decided to look for something else. your best bet is to tell her how much you love her and then start dating someone else. it will get her back right where you want her then make it a "im leaving her for you type thing" make sure its someone she thinks is cute and maybe work it out with them to save them the problem of getting attached to you, or what ever else works???? i know this sounds ruthless but i bet it will work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:13am
The amazing thing about all this to me is that what I think is the big issue -- what she thinks is the big issue between us -- our age, my previous marraige, my children -- has not received much response here from all of you. do you think she/I are making too big of a deal out of the age issue (I'm 20+ years older). The fact that nobody on this site has raised it as an issue makes me wonder if we are making more of it than necessary. The real issue for her is that she believes the difference is so significant that she can't/doesn't want to tell her parents about us, certain friends, etc. she told me she feels as if she's living a lie -- and that she can't go on that way anymore. what do you think?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:21am

Well, I haven't addressed it because it's a moot point...she's made her decision, so that's that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:24am

Ditto.


My overall opinion is that you need to stop focusing on it.