keeping a relationship
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keeping a relationship
| Sun, 10-03-2004 - 10:35am |
I am wondering if anyone has advice for this situation.
My husband has a very low self esteem. His respose to any form of communication to our problems is to ignore it, make a joke of it, get very angry, and then give the silent treatment, and or threaten to leave. He works every weekend and is gone for four days at a time anyway, but, adds a day or two to it, and this continues when he arrives home for an extra few days. He means this every time, and I always beleive him. If I beg him not to leave he will leave, if i tell him to go then, he may not.
He is very good at being verbally and emotionally abusive. But, then again, I have reached the point that as far as being verbally abusive, I retaliate in kind. And i have reached the point that as soon as I hear the words we're done, or i am leaving and never coming back, I turn into a screaming shrew. I cannot even seem to help this as soon as I hear the words.
He tells me that if I did not scream at him, he would not want to leave, and i imagine this is true, but, I do not start to scream at him until he tells me that he is leaving.
If i try to talk to him about the problems, he tells me that I am just putting him down, and starts to look "sick". He has separated our finances so that he can just walk away.
Tells me that I do not contribute, and that like all woman, i am a thief and am trying to ruin him. He was celibate for eleven years prior to our relationship, and although we have been togethor for ten years, our sex life could be narrowed down to twice yearly in the last five years, and not much more frequently in the five prior. Blames this on me, I feel as a control issue. Is also an alcoholic, and suffers from depression although this is undiagnosed.
The other issue is that for the last four or five years, his mother has not spoken to me because i told her that some issues had to stay in our own house. He refused to look after this himself and refused to do anything to help correct this issue. I tryed.
they will not come to the house even though, although i don't want them here, i compromised and said that why doesn't he have them here while i am working, or i will also go out if they are to come except when we have other plans, or it is my day off.
They won't come, he has to make the efforts to see them, they will only communicate with him on his cell phone, and he blames me still. he has called me every name in the book because of his feelings on this, and unfortunetally since many of them were so disgusting, i eventually turned the same names all around onto his mother. I am not proud of this. Have on most occasions managed to curtail this on my part, but, maintain an unreasonable hatred to his family. I realize that i do not like them, that these feelings are more directed to how he treats me about them, but, this does not stop my feelings.
So, do any of you feel that there is anything that can be done about this, or have been in this situation. Have tried counselling, but, the only thing accomplished was the therapist dealt with my problems, and my husband jumped on this, and started saying they all knew i was crazy, but, refused to either be truthful about his own behavior and feelings, and refused to go back when it was his turn. Was great for three months after he physically got out of hand, and then, was back to threatening to leave . It is now almost every week that I hear this.
driving me crazy. I love him, but, most of the time, I do not like him. But this I know is because he is starting to totally disregard me as a person at all.
Help. And I know that it takes two people in any relationship, and I am not blameless.
Thanks
My husband has a very low self esteem. His respose to any form of communication to our problems is to ignore it, make a joke of it, get very angry, and then give the silent treatment, and or threaten to leave. He works every weekend and is gone for four days at a time anyway, but, adds a day or two to it, and this continues when he arrives home for an extra few days. He means this every time, and I always beleive him. If I beg him not to leave he will leave, if i tell him to go then, he may not.
He is very good at being verbally and emotionally abusive. But, then again, I have reached the point that as far as being verbally abusive, I retaliate in kind. And i have reached the point that as soon as I hear the words we're done, or i am leaving and never coming back, I turn into a screaming shrew. I cannot even seem to help this as soon as I hear the words.
He tells me that if I did not scream at him, he would not want to leave, and i imagine this is true, but, I do not start to scream at him until he tells me that he is leaving.
If i try to talk to him about the problems, he tells me that I am just putting him down, and starts to look "sick". He has separated our finances so that he can just walk away.
Tells me that I do not contribute, and that like all woman, i am a thief and am trying to ruin him. He was celibate for eleven years prior to our relationship, and although we have been togethor for ten years, our sex life could be narrowed down to twice yearly in the last five years, and not much more frequently in the five prior. Blames this on me, I feel as a control issue. Is also an alcoholic, and suffers from depression although this is undiagnosed.
The other issue is that for the last four or five years, his mother has not spoken to me because i told her that some issues had to stay in our own house. He refused to look after this himself and refused to do anything to help correct this issue. I tryed.
they will not come to the house even though, although i don't want them here, i compromised and said that why doesn't he have them here while i am working, or i will also go out if they are to come except when we have other plans, or it is my day off.
They won't come, he has to make the efforts to see them, they will only communicate with him on his cell phone, and he blames me still. he has called me every name in the book because of his feelings on this, and unfortunetally since many of them were so disgusting, i eventually turned the same names all around onto his mother. I am not proud of this. Have on most occasions managed to curtail this on my part, but, maintain an unreasonable hatred to his family. I realize that i do not like them, that these feelings are more directed to how he treats me about them, but, this does not stop my feelings.
So, do any of you feel that there is anything that can be done about this, or have been in this situation. Have tried counselling, but, the only thing accomplished was the therapist dealt with my problems, and my husband jumped on this, and started saying they all knew i was crazy, but, refused to either be truthful about his own behavior and feelings, and refused to go back when it was his turn. Was great for three months after he physically got out of hand, and then, was back to threatening to leave . It is now almost every week that I hear this.
driving me crazy. I love him, but, most of the time, I do not like him. But this I know is because he is starting to totally disregard me as a person at all.
Help. And I know that it takes two people in any relationship, and I am not blameless.
Thanks

Carrie
1) He is verbally and emotionally abusive to you.
2) He is physically absent the majority of the time.
3) His responses to your attempts to communicate are threats to leave, the silent treatment, anger, or ridicule.
4) He has already separated your finances so that it will be easier to leave.
5) He is an alcoholic.
6) He brings out the worst in you.
7) You have no sex life.
8) Previous counseling did not work.
I think the writing is on the wall. He's made it clear that he has little regard for you, and it doesn't sound like he loves you. You'd be better off alone with the opportunity to meet someone who would love you - you're virtually alone anyway, and when you are together it sounds like pure hell. Of course you're not blameless, but look at the list again. His problems and behavior tip the scales in a big way. Find a good lawyer because it sounds like he may already have found one for himself with the finance thing he's done. You deserve so much better than this.