Keeps saying he is leaving

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Keeps saying he is leaving
9
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:34am
My live in boyfriend and I just moved to a new state. Ever since we have left, we have argued quite a bit. That doesnt both me the most though. Argueing is natural and sometimes good for a relationship. What bothers me is every time we do argue he says he is going to leave me. Is this something I should be concerned about, well i am concerned obviously but is it something that is embedded into a person throughout their life? To just run from their problems? What should i do about this? I love this man and after his divorce is final we plan on getting married. We have been together almost a year this month. I cant live with the fact that at any given moment he can just up and take off on me and my daughter (she is 14). I moved with him, far away from where I was and away from my two oldest sons to be with him. I would think that would show him just how much in love i am with him. What should I do? Some say counceling. Any opinions on why he does this all the time????? HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:54am
i just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. my bf does the exact same thing. everytime we argue, he says that's it and he's leaving. he's actually left a couple of times, driven around the block or whatever and come back. when he comes back, he doesn't want to talk about the fight anymore, or resolve any of the issues. i'm always scared that one time he won't come back. my friend's all said that this was emotional abuse, but i don't know. if i ever say that i'm leaving, or tell him that if he leaves not to come back, he gets REALLY angry, then i get really angry b/c of the double standard. its ok for him to threaten to leave but not me. i wish i could help, but i mainly just wanted to let you know that i'm in the same boat. we've been together 2 years btw.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:26pm
thanks for your reply. Yeah i read that that is emotional abuse and am going to speak to my bf about this today hopefully. I came out of an abusive marriage (emotional, sexual and mental abuse). I dont want to fall into another one. I hope you resolve your problem. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:42pm
This is not healthy. He has very poor conflict resolution skills and you are allowing it to continue by allowing it to be part of your life.

He does it to:

1) scare you

2) get control of the situation and over you

3) because he doesn't know how to properly deal with conflict

He could 1 day leave for good, or for 1 week, or for 1 day. Who knows? You should get into couples counseling immediately because this is very unhealthy for your daughter to be in the middle of. It obviously makes you feel unstable in the relationship. You can imagine how she feels inside. And whether or not you think she knows - believe me, kids know!

By the way, his poor skills have absolutely nothing to do with how much you love him, so I would not waste anymore of your time on wondering why he doesn't handle the situation better after you have 'proven' your love to him. Unless he develops (through counseling) healthier conflict resolution skills to replace the poor ones he has, he is going to keep doing it and doing it until either he really does leave or until you get fed up and tell him to get out. My ex-husband was (and still is) a great guy, but he use to tell me whenever we had an argument that if things didn't change he was just going to leave. I would tell him that 1 day he was going to say that once too many times and that I was going to tell him to go. That day came and I stopped what I was doing (ironing) and calmly said 'well then, you are gone'. And that was that. I just didn't care anymore. Luckily there were no children involved.

Oh, and arguing all the time is NOT natural. Every couple does have arguments and it is a healthy way to get issues out before resentment sets in, but a couple should not be arguing constantly. If they are and they don’t deal with it, it will eventually suck out the love. A move can put tremendous strain on a couple and lead to a season of arguments, but I imagine that his way of handling things (threatening to leave) has been there prior to this move. It would have been better if you had dealt with this before the move and not made such a drastic change in your daughter’s life prior to making absolutely sure that this was a strong, healthy relationship that could survive, but you have to deal with the choices you have already made. If you want to improve the situation, I strongly recommend that you get both of you into counseling since this is currently not a healthy environment for your child – or you! Counseling is probably the only thing that has a chance to save your relationship.

After I posted this I read another reply from you on this thread that you were in an abusive marriage prior to this one. Based on that, I VERY STRONGLY recommend that you immediately get yourself into personal counseling in addition to the 2 of you doing couples counseling. You need to see what your motivations are for the decisions you make or you are likely to repeat them in 1 fasion or another. I wish you the best.




Edited 8/31/2004 1:45 pm ET ET by jschaedler

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:25pm
Either it's an empty threat or he's trying it out before he acts on it. Personally I'd have a conversation with him, 'when I hear you are leaving me, it makes me doubt the level of committment I thought we have (had). Can we discuss this?'


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:51pm
I agree with you. This whole situation is very destructive and damaging for the 14-year old. Mom gets out of an abusive relationship then jumps into one full of conflict, shacks up, pulls up roots and proceeds to audition for this guy. Daughter gets jerked around because mom is so emotionally needy.

God I feel sorry for these kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 5:20pm
Ty for your great reply! We have done some talking, serious talking and he has agreed to go to counceling with me and i am receiving counceling myself alone. He knows that what he does is wrong and has said he will not say it again....of course we will see...but at least he is willing to work with me on this relationship. I guess he really does love me.

TY again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 5:24pm
I'd have a conversation with him, 'when I hear you are leaving me, it makes me doubt the level of committment I thought we have (had). Can we discuss this?'

I like that! I am going to try that line....because it does feel like that. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 5:26pm
Daughter gets jerked around because mom is so emotionally needy.


uncalled for remark!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:17pm
Entirely called for. Your child comes first, not your lovelife.