Kids!??!! Same page to get married?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Kids!??!! Same page to get married?!?!
4
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 5:40pm
So here is my dilema...I have been dating this guy for just about a year now...he has is divorced and has two kids, and also has a vasectomy. FYI...I have not had kids and have not been married. Early on in our relationship the fact he had a vasectomy worried me because even though I do not want kids now, I wanted to know that in the future the option would be there. So he went to the doctor and discussed it with him, and the doctor proceeded to tell him it would be no problem reversing it seeing as he is young and fit. So we continued on, with no problems...although it came up again because he was worried it might not work, so I told him as long as he wanted to want to have kids, even if it didn't work I would be fine with that as long as we tried...got over that hump, now recently he did Ironman and during the race he was thinking about actually buying me a ring, and when to propose, and then the reality of having more kids appeared a lot more real to him...and therefore now he is unsure of whether or not he wants to have kids. He wants to want to...not just because of me, but becasue he wants to...and he has been thinking about it for about two weeks now, and I feel pretty torn up about it, because I love him with all my heart but now what I just have to wait on pins and needles, I don't how to handle this well, or help him reach a conclusion...which he needs to do...any feedback :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 5:58pm

You should not marry this man until you have reached a decision on whether or not to have kids together.

Your desire to have your own children is not going to go away, it will only get stronger. You have the right to have kids, and the right to find someone who will fulfill that goal with you. If he's not going to then I'm afraid marrying him is not the answer.

The good thing is that he is open to the idea of it, really wants to try, and MANY men in his situation have changed their minds.

Keep talking to him, and if possible, enlist the help of a counselor if you are very serious about marriage. Some people put a clause about having children in a prenuptial agreement, and while I'm not sure I'd go that far, you definitely want to know that he will want to be a father again before marrying him.

Good luck, he looks like he's on the path to being the right guy for you after all. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 3:31pm
Figure out how long you are willing to wait for him to make up his mind. If I were you I wouldn't set a date until that happens. How old are you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 5:00pm
I am 21 right now...and your totally right...and I don't know if its just me but it seems as though guys don't exactly like the "serious talks" and so I thought about it and was like, fine he needs to be prepared, set aside a time that is for that talk, ya know. And so I asked him last night when it would be a good time for him to have a "talk" and he said tomorrow night, which is tonight. So I told him to be prepared for it...and so I am hoping this will lead to some sort of conclusion about this topic, or atleast set a deadline like you said...which I figure I don't know give him like a month or something...I don't know I don't want to waste my time, becasue I do love him so much and can't keep thinking how much longer will I be with him? Becasue that sucks big time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 5:02pm
Hey I just really wanted to say Thank you for your reply. That does help, and I mentioned that we set aside a time tonight to talk so i am hoping it goes well, but thank you for your insight, I hadn't really put it into that way...so Thanks again!