The L word
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| Mon, 10-27-2008 - 9:42am |
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months. We have said "I love you" in the past. However, HE was the first one to say it and he said it only 2 months into our relationship... after he had been drinking. I was unsure as to whether or not he meant it. So we talked about it and he said he did not regret saying it but that it was very soon and he told me even though time should not be a determining factor for when you should or shouldn't love someone, he said he probably wouldn't be saying it too often.
With that said, we started saying it a little more over the past several months. I always say it back when he says "I love you" to me. But sometimes he won't say it back when i say it to him. I love him very much and i know he loves me too but it makes it hard for me sometimes when I'm unsure that I'll get a response back when I confess my love for him.
I said it this past weekend. We had been drinking with some friends so neither of us were totally sober to say the least. He didn't say it back. He just looked at me and smiled. I said, "Ya know, you don't always say it back..." He said he knew that and justified it with "it's just so soon." And "I've only said I love you to one other girl in my entire life." I asked if he regret saying it in the first place to me and he said no. He also said that he thinks I am "the one." So if thats the case, then why is the L word such an issue for him?
I don't want to pressure him by any means. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to proceed. We didn't talk about our conversation again. We dropped it and he hasn't come up since. The next morning we were walking to through a parking lot. He put his arm around me and said "I love you." I responded with, "You do?! I love you too." It was sorta a smart ass comment and I regret responding that way now. I think I was still a little frustrted from the conversation we had about the issue the night before. He didn't ask anything about it and we still didn't discuss it any further.
Should I bring it up to him or leave it alone? It's been bothering me ever since and I don't know how to proceed. I love him so much. I know it may be a little soon for him to share my exact feelings. And I don't want to pressure him. It's just hard sometimes... to say I love you and know that I'm only going to hear him say it back maybe 50% of the time. He says it far less than I do. Maybe I should just be grateful that he says it at all? Should I confront him about this at all? And if so, what should I say?

I'm in the same boat as you. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months and 3 weeks ago he told me he was falling in love with me, then said no I am in love with you...I love you. He had been drinking also. I said it back because I love him so a few days later I asked him if he remembered what he said to me Friday night & he said he did and I said what did you say...he said that I love you.
Leave it alone. He's already said it and clearly he has strong feelings for you. As relationships progress, especially if the guy thinks the girl might be "the one" as he intimated, the love word begins to mean more and more. They don't want to use it lightly. To guys it means committment and he's simply absorbing his feelings and your time together now. When he says it, as time goes forward, it means a lot more and that's why it may seem as if he says it less. Pay attention to his actions and the way it feels being together. That will give you a much better idea of what's going on.
All the best wishes,
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'Should I bring it up to him or leave it alone'
You already have, more than once. leave it alone. Does he act like he loves you? ow he treats you is much more important than the number of times he says the magic word.
Thank you very much for the advice I've already received. It helps more than you know.
I've had some time today to think about this a little more. I know I should appreciate the little things he does and not dwell so much on what he doesn't do. I think women and men have different emotional needs. I think men hear "I love you" once and they are satisfied for days, weeks, or months even. But with women, even if our man did the most amazing thing in the world for us LAST week, but he's not filling our emotional needs THIS week, we fail to remember the wonderful things he has done and the past and get more wrapped up in what he's NOT doing in the moment.
My point is, I forgot in the heat of the moment that just last week he sent me a text message SOBER saying, "You are beautiful and I'm in love with everything about you." So WHY, was I so upset when he couldn't repeat "I love you" to me the other night??? I just feel bad now. I know he says it when he feels it and when he means it. And I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him to do any more than he feel like he can right now. What he gives me is enough... for now.
So should I tell him that?? Or just leave the whole issue alone at this point. It's been 2 days since the incident happened. I don't want him to think I've been obsessing about it by bringing it up again. But I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him either. I'm afraid if I leave it alone it will seem like it's just being swept under the rug. But it might not be worth bringing up again and risking turning it into a bigger issue than it is right now. Perhaps I should just wait until the "L" word comes up again?
I agree with Dr S and vote leave it alone.
My guy didn't say it to me until after six months. He wanted to be sure it would be "for good" before he said it - his last girlfriend was the only other person he said it to, and that ended horribly. So I'm not entirely surprised your boyfriend is adverse to the words, but it's not right, and very awkward, that he chooses to love you only part of the time. If he can't say the words at any time of day, he shouldn't be saying them at all - it's too soon. So back off from the whole ILU thing completely, and focus on making your relationship great. Saying the words should be a wonderful and beautiful moment, and if it's not, stop putting pressure on it. Your relationship is still very young and it would be silly for it to be ruined because of this one issue.
"I Love You" is the presence of a stable feeling toward someone else, it's not a mood.
Edited 10/27/2008 6:59 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful insight and advice. I think I'm going to leave the issue alone for now. As much as I want to bring it up again, I think drawing too much attention to it is not a good idea. If he brings it up or perhaps the next time the "L" word is said, I may touch on it. For now, I know he loves me. He does say it. Just not as often as I do and not always back to me when I say it first. His actions do speak louder than his words. When he's said I'm "the one" and we do talk a great deal about our future together, I know I should just give him space and time to feel more comfortable and sure of himself/us and his love for me. His past relationship ended poorly after 4 years. And we only started dating 4 months after the separated. He lived with her the 6 months prior to their breakup and she was the only other woman he ever said "I love you" to. Even though he was the one that ended that relationship, I can understand that he wants doesn't want to throw those three words around lightly. Actually, I should probably be glad that he only chooses to say it when he really feels it instead of saying it all the time. In my last relationship, "I love you" became a substitute for "good bye" on the phone. And I'll admit, it definitely lost it's meaning over time. I don't want that to happen. Patience is a virtue and one that I need to acquire more of.
For the question asked earlier... My weekend went well. Aside from this little issue about the "L" word that came up in the kitchen of his friends house we were staying at. The house was definitely not what I thought it would be but it wasn't what I would consider "clean" either. It was a typical bachelor pad. I thought it was funny that everyone had to take their shoes off at the door but there was a futon on the second floor loft that no one would touch with a ten foot pole. I did tell my boyfriend again that I was sorry for pre-judging his friend. He never held it against me and we were able to laugh about it after the weekend was over. :)
I just stumbled across an article that gave me a little insight into the mind of a man when it comes to saying I love you. I thought it might be useful for other women out there that are struggling with the same thing I am. It's on Askmen.com and it called, "I love you", The Ace in the Pocket.
It talks about how hard it is for some men to say I love you, what it means to them, and how if said to frequently, it can lose it's meaning. It opened my eyes more...
As a male, I'd like to offer you a couple of other things to consider here.
Generally speaking, men want 3 key things from the woman in our lives; Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection.