Lack of sex ending a 10 yr marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Lack of sex ending a 10 yr marriage
9
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 4:14pm

Very long post – sorry – I have worked on this for a while. I want to offer a sincere thank you in advance to those of you who are generous enough to take the time to provide thoughtful, honest responses to my personal dilemma. I apologize for multiple posts but this fits in so many places...here goes.

I am 34, married to a spectacular woman, and mother, for over 10 years, with two children under the age of 7. I love her and very much love the children, they are the most important thing in my life. Let me just briefly summarize that my wife is beautiful (I am extremely attracted to her and anyone would rate her at least an 8 out of 10), very smart, the nicest person I have ever come across, and the best she can possibly be as a friend, mother, and professional - to say the least.

My wife and I have had marriage problems for the last several years (maybe 5ish). I feel undesired by my wife. She is very demure, timid, and/or unassertive. I, naturally, realize that given her personality I will typically need to be the one that initiates any intimacy in our marriage. I too am quite shy, so this is not always easy for me, but I have always tried to wear my heart on my sleeve.

The result of my being the aggressor, is that I have been force to regularly accept rejection. Our libidos are not matched. I would guess that on the 'human sexual spectrum' she is not on the end of the distribution, but not near the middle either, with a low libido. I am definitely on the other, far end of the spectrum. I have virtually no sexual misgivings, few 'hang-ups', and would love to experience EVERYTHING a sexual relationship has to offer, and I would like to pursue this 'hobby' on a daily basis.

She has claimed to prefer intimacy (intercourse) once a week (sometimes she says twice a week), but over the years, my journal suggests she rejects me until the frequency is once every 10 - 14 days on average across each year.

To make this dreary letter a bit shorter, here are a few summaries of our arguments:

She would like more intimacy in the form of kind words, discussions, kissing, hugging.
She would like me to do more to include her in my fantasies (don't make her feel left out).
She doesn't like my cold behavior to her when she is not sexually available to me.
She doesn’t know what she desires sexually, want me to try ‘things’ and be spontaneous, maybe she will like something if we try it.

I feel we do not have an active sex life (I would rate it a 2 out of 10).
I feel she is unresponsive and apprehensive during sex.
I feel I have tried to include her in my mildest of fantasies, but she has nearly always fully rejected my proposals (I don't feel comfortable with that) or of the few she has tried, her behavior (and sometimes words) have made it clear she is not comfortable with this, definitely not 'into it'.

One last word to any 'if only' commentors out there: I do quite a lot with the housework, romance, gifts, and childcare. Please don't suggest that 'if only' I did more to warm her heart, or 'if only' I helped out around the house, or 'if only' I shower her more appreciation. Our discussions of what she wants have always followed with my best attempt to provide just that (she has not once complained of my lack of effort), the end result is once again that we have a lackluster love life in the bedroom.

I have grown very weary of our relationship. I can only say that my lack of outward romance recently is due to a true loss of sexual interest in her. I am giving up, so why continue to shower her with appreciative comments and gifts. I want to be more than puppy love, or a good friend. Sex is not the most important thing to me, but it is just as important as emotional attachment, time, love, intellectual stimulation, laughter. I can't do without any of these things in an otherwise perfectly healthy person. I am so tired of feeling sexually frustrated at every turn. She either has very little in form of sexual desire, or I simply am not the one who provides the right stimulation (this is my true suspicion, probably a result of my inferiority developed over the years).

Yes, she would like more loving words and caressing, who wouldn't? So would I (not that I am ever the recipient of spontaneous gifts or outwardly boisterous forms of affection)! I would also like a passionate, fulfilling sexual relationship. If one wants only to be desired, I think they should get a pet or have a strong social life, a marriage involves (among other important things) an honest sexual exchange...a two way exchange. I have never felt desired by her, only that she enjoys being loved by me, feels I am a good man, a good father, a good provider. Never have I felt sexually attractive to her. Yes, I have told her this.

I don't want someone who has sex with me because it is an obligation or feels pitty towards me. I want to be sexually desired. I want to be with someone who truly wants a sexual experience that is fun, wild, playful, etc. I am starting to think, despite the constant rejection, that maybe I am not all that unattractive. I am still young…kind of. If it is going to end, better sooner than later. I am quite fit, very well educated, kind, hard working, earn a great living. Maybe someone else would provide what I feel I need. I only live once, and I have no belief in an afterlife, I would like my time here to be as happy as possible. I am horribly depressed these last couple of years.

I have turned to pornography and masturbation as my only true sexual outlet. I don't enjoy professionally produced actors that have sex for money. I admit that I truly enjoy watching other real couples on putatively ‘home made videos’ (most likely at times for money). My point is that it has shown me what good sex can be like. Women do actually like to have sex with men. They really can want sex as much as a man. They desire sex with their husband and are willing, even excited by, the prospect of various sexual acts. Finding these message boards (assuming real women are writing these messages) has affirmed my worst fears. My lifetime with one woman has resulted in sex that involves some manual stimulation, some oral sex, and one or two positions for a grand total of 10 very quite and gentle minutes every couple of weeks. I have tried vibrators and dildos (I am very exited by these) but she want them only at my request, a couple of times per year. I now think this would be considered boring to lots of women too. Only when I engage in these activities (watching and reading about others and their sex lives) can I start to feel like it isn't all my fault. I am very aroused, and eventrually disappointed in my own relationship. Maybe I am not a sex-starved pervert. I truly wish for a monogamous relationship that is fulfilling in all manners.

I am really considering leaving, but I can't look at children and ever imaging living in a different house than they do. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking of divorce and its affect on my children - we are so close. I have told my wife that I consider our marriage to be turning into more of a mutual friendship. We share in the childcare and housework. We provide additional support when one of us is hurt (lots of massages, giving one another lots of 'alone time' and taking the kids for a day, etc.). But without the sexual relationship, I am feeling more and more like something has to give.

What is my next step? We have had this argument so many times!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 5:52pm

I always love when women tell men that they don't want sex because he doesn't do enough chores, doesn't keep the house clean enough, doesn't help with the children. Those aren't turn-ons, they are part of an equal partnership and keep a woman from getting angry or annoyed. Seeing a man mop the floor doesn't make us horny, it only makes us happy. Mine is washing dishes right now which is really sweet of him but I'm not going to go take him into bed over it.

I think it's an erroneous way to think because it promotes an attitude of "if you deserve X then you will earn Y". That's not what sex is about, it's about sharing something special with someone you love.

I don't know if bringing impersonal fantasies into your sex life is the best way to get it started again. You really have "never" felt sexually desired by her? Not even before you got married or had kids? I guess I find it hard to believe that a man would marry a woman who he feels has no attraction to him sexually.

Have you brought up the idea of finding a therapist who specializes in sex? There are lots of them out there. If I were you I'd start doing some research and then bring it to her attention as a problem that you'd like to solve together, and gauge her reaction. I will warn you, and I think you know, that if she really is happy this way and cares more about her comfort than yours, then there's not much you can do. Getting someone to WANT a change is not usually possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 7:41am

I think that your next step should be to go back and reread what you have posted here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 12:45pm

Hey fitelguy,


I understand your situation.


When I was married, my then wife decided we should only have sex three times in ten years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 12:59pm
I don't know/heard of many (or is it any?) women in their 30s with full time jobs, children and 10+ years in a relationship who would be into daily mind blowing kinky sex - insatiably so too. *eye roll*. You seem to simply be completely incompatible on this front and there isn't much that either of you can do - she can't be what she's not and neither can you. If you want to pursue your sexual dreams you need to leave her and start a new life with your friendly local
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 1:57pm

I agree with Eggbert and Old Nimrod.

~Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 3:36pm

Thanks for all the responses. WOW perspective, is it a bad day today? I wrote my post very carefully, but apparently I did not state a couple of things clearly enough. Please re-read my post and this one, I would like to address yours and the concerns of others here.

My wife says she would prefer romance to sex. She has also said that in order for her to want sex with me, she first desires romance. I have provided romance, in the past and increased my efforts again and again. After each discussion weighing how I have changed my attempts and her responses. Gifts, kind words, hugs, kisses, gestures, whatever I can give her, I do. My point is that their is no relationship between my efforts and her response. Same frequency (enough for some people on these message boards, not enough for others), same acts, never any emotion from her, never any excitement or enthusiasm. Never any initiation from her. Never any kind or sexy words from her. I feel as though I must please her in order to 'gain access' to her. The act has become so unexciting that I wish for it less. I don't think we should be exchanging, I think we should want each other sexually.

At no point in any of our arguments has she even insinuated that I have not provided her with her emotional needs. She has never, not once, suggested I don't do enough in the house, with the kids, or for her. She thinks that if I did even more romantic gestures, she might be even more sexual. For example, I ask what sort of sexual experience would you like? Name anything and I will do it. Any romantic act and I will provide it. No limits, accept the laws of physics and our bank account. Her response is that she doesn't know what 'turns her on.' She hasn't thought about it. She knows she is OK with most of the (few) things we do, she doesn't desire more sex than we currently have, and she has rejected my offerings of new things. She isn't very excited by the prospect of sex itself. I know for a fact that she has no interest in learning more about sex, what is pleasing to man, or even looking on a message board. 'She isn't into that stuff.' I have read and researched and come up with all kinds of things I can do to be a better husband and provide what she wants (either by telling me what she wants or reading what most women want). She says maybe try some more romantic gestures, maybe something will come to her. Nothing has so far. I am tired of trying.

Oldnimrod:
She does acknowledge there is a problem, but we can't agree on whether I am a sex crazed maniac or she a prude. Probably both! We are both perfectly physically fit, extremely fit and healthy with normal hormone levels (hormonal influence on sexual behavior is more folk lore than science, it is occasionally a problem but relatively rarely). I am becoming obsessed with sex, but I can't tell if it is due to not having what I want (exciting sex with my wife) or something else (OCD or depression). Chicken or egg? I don't give ultimatums, you can't tell someone, give me great sex or else!

sunshine:
I would be happy with sex, any sex, 2X week. That is my compromise I have offered. I would like wild, good sex (with someone GGG - good, giving and game as the sex advise people like to say) a couple times per month. Again my suggested compromise. Nothing has improved. I can't 'make her' want me sexually. I only feel depressed and unattractive. Why should I shower someone with affection if they don't find me sexually attractive? By the way, it was good to hear that you also feel sex with me would be 'an absolute horror and soul destroying nightmare'. We are supposed to be more that good friend and house mates.

Many have asked if it has changed over time. During the pregnancy and year after it was much less. I said nothing for obvious reasons, no man expects hot sex during these times - we had other things in mind. We dated over a year before marriage and it was then as it is now. Which seems great when it is your first time, and neither knows what they are doing. Over the years we have gained experience and knowledge, but the sex life has not grown. She love and occasionally will say she loves me 'so much' during sex, and these tender moments are very nice and rewarding, but I want other things too. I want tender, sweet love, and I want all kinds of other interactions. I want some variety. I want sex more often. I did then too, but I assumed she need a couple of years before she really started to feel comfortable with me and then things would spice up (as the articles would suggest). They haven't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 6:56am

'..By the way, it was good to hear that you also feel sex with me would be 'an absolute horror and soul destroying nightmare'


No no you misunderstood here. The kind of sex life that you describe and that would be ideal for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 7:49am

You expect sex DAILY and once a week isnt enough when you got two kids?

She probably is tired. You need to somehow change sex from another duty you expect her to perform to something she WANTS to do. Try and back off for awhile maybe that will help. She seriously is probably worn out, you got two young children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 3:24pm

I really think that some people are being too harsh on you- because seriously, spicing up your sex life wouldn't take much at all.

~Kristi