Last call to save Relationship help
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| Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:43pm |
hi everyone, im a little new to this board and am wondering if i would be able to receive some input.
I'd like to save my relationship, but I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. My boyfriend doesn't seem to have any issues with how we're going along. Granted in some ways, he's been more stable/voice of reason at times.
But, I've hit rock bottom w/ him and our relationship. I know that a couple can't spend every second/day/week together. But - we've recently hit a bad spot where Ive traveled alot, now hes been randomly gone for 2 weeks and will continue for another. then I will be on the road for a week. Basically, we will have barely seen each other for a freaking month.
I brought up my concern prior to his leaving last week, he got angry at me for even bringing it up since his "work" is so tough right now. Rhe was a jerk, and rude- we argued. But I was the bigger person and told him the next day that I loved him , and was here for him. I dont want to worry about petty stuff. Then no calls after that. Nothing. I gave him space and i was ok w/ this. Finally we speak on Sunday - and he tells me he'll be gone until the end of the freaking week. And honestly, doesn't even say sorry, doesnt say why. So basically it was like prying for answers. And hes done nothing to say sorry for not being there, sorry that im mia w/ work. He usually does. This time hes been a total jerk. and when asked about my concern for how our relationship will be after months of this? His reaction was "why are doing this to ME" or "backoff, your nagging, id ont have time for this". But yet, he had time to party until 6am saturday night. I find it total and utter BS. he just doesnt want to make time for ME and what I want or my concern.
I'm not high maintenance emotionally, physically or monetary wise. I ask for values/morals and character in a rs. and eys i can be demanding in some areas, like anyone else. but hes always said he's loved that im so low maintenance, yet when he pulls this crap, i feel very taken for granted.
How do i save that one? On top of this whole thing, he is one of the most selfihs people i know. i know at the end of the day, he wont do a nice gesture type thing since hes been gone, he'll basically come hom, and it'll be about what hes missed doing, what he needs to do, etc. Nothing for me. its crap. Ive talked the talk w/ him MANY x's about this, but it doesnt change.
I'd like for me to help the rs, but i'm so fed up at this pt. i doubt its saveable, but i thought i'd ask an objective crowd.

Welcome to the board surfergirl77,
How long have the two of you been together? Will this time apart because of your jobs continue to be an ongoing thing?
glitter-graphics.com
Sorry, but as a male, you are coming across as high maintenance.
It's perfectly acceptable for you to travel but you get upset when he is required through his work to do the exact same thing. Honestly, what is he supposed to do about that - quit his job so that he can be available in accordance to your schedule and calendar?
I've personally been through this years ago and it is rough. You get 2 days at home in which you have to deal with everything in life around the home, your laundry, bills, etc. then pack up and leave again. When this happens it is very hard to make time and when a GF complains about it - it does piss us off as there is little respect, understanding and acceptance.
glitter-graphics.com
You said - "I think I'm more at the end of my rope that he doesn't give me what i need. and that basically is a boyfriend who gives and doesn't take."
Given this statement then this relationship isn't for you. Perhaps it is time to move on but there is one more thing you can do before making that final decision.
You clearly have unmet expectations. My question to you is - Does he have full and concise knowledge of your expectations? If he doesn't, then you own the responsibility to calmly and clearly discuss your expectations with him and to seek his acceptance of your expectations. Men do not want to be held accountable to secret expectations. Here's an analogy that applies:
Let's say you go to work tomorrow and your boss tells you that there are brand new expectations of you to perform your job. However, your boss does not and will not talk to you about these expectations. Also, it is very clear that you will be punished and possibly terminated from your job should you fail to meet these secret expectations. Do you think that is a responsible thing for an employer to do? Do you think you should have to accept these secret expectations? The exact same principles work in a relationship.
The last part of your statement above is also of concern - "a boyfriend who gives and doesn't take." Well, good luck in finding that. Very few men will be willing to be in a relationship where he is obligated and expected to give at all times but will never receive. That's way too much of a Princess attitude for the vast majority of us.
Great relationships should be equality-based and mutually-beneficial with both people focused on what's best for the relationship rather than what's best for ourselves.
Hi surfergirl,
Sounds like you are missing him and want to know that he feels the same way. Instead of being able to give you the assurances you need, whether it's because of the way you've approached it or because he's as selfish as you say, well, I think maybe this isn't the relationship for you.
Consider reading Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to see if you get anything out of it. My best to you.
hi there, thanks for the advice. I didn't mean i should have a bf who gives all the time, and doesn't take. I meant >> BF who gives and takes. << i.e. gives back sometimes. My complaint to him (which has been explained to him over the last 6 months) was that he never gives - hes admittely owned up he is a selfish person. Honestly, he is trying to change, and he has been making slight progress. But, I'm not sure its enough for me.
I'm unsure how to change my mind that it'll change. The first test hes had (big one) was this trip and how hes dealt with. And hes done the worst job - hes never acted like this before w/ me. I have been there for him more a lot over the last 4 months because hes needed me there. Ive stepped away the last month because I needed to take care of my life. Now, when there is a partial opportunity for him to step up & return that slight favor ,he doesn't. That's how I see it. He does it resentfully and as though I'm bothering him any concerns about our relationship. Granted, i take responsibility for my crap communications but at the same time, it doesn't take but 30 mins to speak to your gf about a concern. especially since he had alll;l the time in the world to go out until 6am saturday . that is what pisses me off as well.
i could go on and on. I just think that the damage has been done. I really want to save my rs as I love everything else about it. I don't know how to or if it can be saved. I'm always going to be the one who has to be less selfish without receiving anything back.