Last efforts to save my marriage.
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| Sun, 04-27-2008 - 2:23pm |
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years..and we have 3 children together. In 2006 we separated. It started off with him not showing me affection, then i caught him talking to other girls online behind my back..and it just escalated from there to us arguing all of the time..then he left for a little "break" and we were separated for 9 months! In the beginning he said he wasnt in love with me anymore and didnt want a relationship with me. He told me this on our anniversary!!...after awhile his feelings came back and we moved back in together a year ago this weekend. I had a hard time trusting him once we got back together but he promised over and over again to spend the rest of his life proving to me how much he loved me and that it would never happen again. He called that time in our life his "mental breakdown" because he was going through a lot of depression and confusion when that all happened. ... Now here we are again a year later in the same situation. It started after the first of the year and started the same way it did before (minus any other females in the picture)..started with him not showing me affection. When i asked him about it he would blame me saying it was just my imagination and that he didnt think he was doing anything differently... i kept telling him that he was acting the same way as before and he would get angry at me saying that it was nothing like what happened before.. again it has escalated into exactly the same thing except that we are still living together. We have been arguing and bickering for months ever since it started. I've been on edge and more snappy with him because of it. He finally told me that he doesn't love me THAT way anymore..again. He doesnt treat me like im his wife. I get no affection, no i love you, no hugs, no kisses, no sex, nothing. I feel like i am invisible most of the time. I have threatened to leave, even started packing some of my things. When ever i talk about leaving he gets very upset and emotional and tells me that he doesnt want me to leave..he wants me to stay to see if his feelings change. He's constantly apologizing for hurting me and for how he feels and says he doesnt want to feel this way and doesnt know WHY he does. Even if I do leave he wants us to be best friends and NOT get a divorce incase his feelings change down the road!! He says he has tons of love for me but just doesnt feel like he is IN love with me anymore...He says he wants his feelings to come back but yet he doesnt make much of an effort. We never do anything away from the kids or spend any time together just the two of us. When I try to make an effort he kind of just pushes me away..it's as if he is scared of something...He also told me that he resents me for things that happened years ago. I used to be very insecure and didnt like him to go out with his friends so he feels like he has lost friends because of me.. i have grown up since then and tell him all the time that he can go out and enjoy some time with his friends but a lot of the time he wont do it.
We did start marriage counseling..HE was the one who called and set it up. We have only had one meeting so far. Our next meeting is scheduled for tuesday but he has a job interview that day so we have to reschedule it which could be a few weeks before they can get us in again.
My husband has had a tough life..suffering physical and mental abuse from both parents and a step parent. He started drinking and doing drugs at a very young age and was in and out of trouble most of his life. (he had been sober for a few years before we met..so that is not an issue). He said he never cared about anyone but himself until he met me. Since he has met me he has not been in any kind of trouble and has completely turned his life around for the better. He told me that he is going to call to set up an appointment to get himself separate counseling to try to figure out WHY he keeps doing this and why his feelings keep coming and going. He thinks maybe it is because of some of the things he has gone through in his life??
I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore. I love this man so much but yet feel like I cant keep going back and forth like this all the time. I cry every single day. My heart breaks being in this house every day with a man who says he doesnt love me THAT way anymore. Part of me wants to leave and try to move on with my life but the other part of me doesnt want to let go..and i just dont know what to do!!

When you separated and got back together UNLESS the problem was fixed from the first time nothing is going to stay changed it will just keep rearing its ugly head. It takes work from both people to fix the problem, words don't mean much unless the actions back them up.
We teach others how to treat us...you are teaching him that you will put up with whatever he dishes out because you threaten to leave and just because he gets emotional you change your mind, that is not helping the situation. You have shown him you don't mean what you say by doing that....that you don't respect yourself enough, you have to love and respect yourself first before expecting to get that from someone else. You deserve better but you have to believe that first.
It's good that he is seeking therapy and you are getting couples counseling, it seems he is willing to work on things with you and taking steps to do that... that is the most important step in changing things. It takes time for things to turn around it doesn't happen overnight. Maybe you will learn to communicate with each other in a mature, honest way, that does not include threats or ultimatums (those are not an honest or mature way of communication). You need to decide if you are willing stay with the counseling to see if works, or get out of the situation. Both of you need to be 100% committed to working things out or counseling will not do any good. If either one is not 100% committed to it then you are just wasting time and money.
Good luck