The last shot, need advice! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
The last shot, need advice! :)
9
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 1:26pm

I have been 'seeing' this guy for a few months.

We have gone from

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 1:42pm
What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 3:57pm

Whitelyon, I'm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 5:27pm
I'm not sure if I said I wanted him to stop calling. I want him to call me. I was very insecure when we started dating. He also had no job, and contacted me every day. I needed too much reassurance without reason.He got a job, and then my neediness got worse. He started acting angry towards me due to his life situation. I broke up with him because of this, but realized I made a massive mistake. I should have tried harder to work it out. He then said he would 'date me,' which led to more insecurities than the real bad behavior started. I blew up his phone and insulted him. I feel lucky he's even around.

Currently, he wants to be 'friends,' but there is so much chemistry we can't keep our hands off each other. He has gone from "I don't want a relationship with you," to "I don't want one at all because I don't know where I'll be in the next year." I asked him if he ever wanted to get back with me. He said that's a possibility. I have thrown myself at him several times, and tried clean breaks. But he likes contact w/me. He cares about me and likes me, but mentioned he wanted someone more independent.

I have found inner peace with my insecurities and I'm started to appreciate life again, and work on hobbies and being happy without a man. It shows. I told him as long as we aren't in a relationship I want to date other guys. I have also told him that I need to let him do the best for himself and I was ready to let it go.

We decided to have a sexual relationship. I thought I wouldn't hear from him. He started contacting me with furvor, and made plans, talked about immediate plans and future plans. We've talked all weekend long, about so many things. He might possibly swing by today, but he's busy with work. He has said to me how nice it is to crawl into bed with me and insists he wants to be friends. I have tried a clean break a couple times, but I contact him after several days. When I said that I agree that he needs to be single, and if I care about him I need to accept that he doesn't want me, there was emotion in his face. He claims he's ok I see other guys, but I don't believe him. I just don't believe he doesn't have feelings. His behavior says otherwise. Our relationship goes beyond sex, but I can't convince him of that.

I think this is my chance to turn things around. To get him back permanently. He is still around and likes contact w/me. I feel more secure w/myself. I have gone on a date too. I read about male psychology and they say to give them space. How should I proceed?

This is my last shot. I don't want to set myself up for heartbreak, and if he doesn't come around sooner than later, to save my pride, dignity, and self esteem, I need to let him go. Thanks for reading this long story!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 11:56pm

First you say you're "seeing" him......then you say you went from a "relationship" to "Friends with Benefits".......all this in a few months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 3:39pm

Whitelyon, I agree with Fissatore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 8:27pm

He blew me off this weekend. Friday night he said he wanted to come over, I said no, but then he wanted to see me saturday. My car is broken down and we were going to get food for me. He 'forgot,' apparently due to emotional issues about his daughters. He did apologize and we talked, he had been crying, so I forgave him. Then he said he wanted to come over on Sunday. I said ok. He didn't call me again, I didn't bother calling him when I knew he wasn't coming and he wasn't going to call.

I sent him a letter today asking him not to contact me for a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 9:06am

This is a really good example of how important "obligation" and "expectation" is to a man in terms of how he feels in a relationship.

The difference between a "relationship" - One with exclusivity and some degree of commitment - And a "friends with benefits" or "casual dating" type situation is the idea of obligation/expectation. Relationships come with inherent expectations that two people have for one another. You are expected to prioritize one another, put them before yourself sometimes, do things for them, put in effort toward your relationship, etc... These things usually feel good for a man to do; he enjoys doing them for a woman he cares about. But when they feel *obligated* to perform these actions just because they are in a relationship, many men will become very fearful and back away. They feel like their freedom to come and go as they please and do whatever they want is being infringed upon by some mysterious force called a "relationship".

It is better to let tthese men go to grow up rather than to pursue any kind of relationship with them at all. The weird part of this is that these kinds of fearful men are drawn to women who are okay with just letting them go. So he's really fascinated by you and very attracted to you now that he knows you do not need him.

He can't be in any kind of a relationship until he loses his insecurity with his own freedom. Maybe he would be a good friend somewhere down the line in your lives, but right now that is not in the cards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 12:52pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 1:37pm

oh he needs professional help alright. That phone conversation with him was uncomfortable, he took his frustrations out on me.

I think that if my attraction dies for him, I will be friends.