in-law trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
in-law trouble
2
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:04am
My husband and I were raised very differently. My mother always emphasized manners and dressing nice and so forth so you can imagine my discomfort when I sat down at the table with a family that had their elbows on the table, food all over their faces and clothes and didn't mind reaching over your plate to reach food. While I love them and grew used to there mannerisms, they find me uptight and seem to want to change my habits. I've resisted the urge to discuss clothes and make-up with my mother and sister-in-law (the eldest, the youngest has great taste in clothes) and to correct my father-in-law of his rude behavoir, but they refuse to do the same with me. My mother-in-law insists on makeing me feel horrible if I don't eat two or three plates of her cooking (it is a known fact that she can burn anything, even my husband says that I cook better than she does.) She practically stands over me the whole time and says, "I'm sorry that my cook isn't any good." To top it off, my husband likes to try and start things between his mother and I. She's always been incredably controlling, and I think he is using me to break free of her, but it puts me in a strange situation. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but they are incredably old-fashioned and think they know everything. They cut you off in mid-sentence to correct you. I've just about had enough, I can only be polite for so long!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:33am

This is a rough and complicated situation. Firstly, you need to realize that it is not impolite to speak up and let others know how you feel, what you need and what is important to you. This can be done in a strong, but non-aggressive way. You can be firm without being rude. There is never any reason for accepting or allowing others to criticize you and jump down your throat. This is a form of abuse. Let them (and your husband) know that this behavior is not acceptable to you. You do not behave that way towards them and you expect the same consideration. They do not have proper boundaries or respect for differences, and this is something they need to learn. You can tell them that you acceptthem as they are, and they need to accept you, or you will not be able to join them any longer. This is also partially your husband's responsibility. These are his parents, and rather than egg them on and create more friction, he should be respecting and protecting you - not allowing this kind of behavior - let alone encouraging it. Let him know that. Be strong and firm about the respect you demand from others. When you really mean it, others often back off. If they don't, you do not have to put yourself in a situation which is destructive and demeaning in anyway. There is never anything gained by allowing others to mistreat you.


Take good care,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:10pm
My parents had to move a good distance away from me right after I got married due to my grandfather's health. My mother-in-law feels that she is "looking out" for me. My husband thinks that I don't appreciate all his parents have done for us (they gave us our house.) He also doesn't understand how the house scares me (both of his grandparents died in the room we sleep in and the house is so old it creaks constintly.) We've been married for a year and a half and things have calmed down (IOW I've began to shut things off and that's probably why they think I'm a snob.) I'm just sick of shutting up, though. We see them 2 or 3 times a week, she calls everyday (my husband refuses to talk to her sometimes and I don't blame him.) Her oldest daughter lives a good ways off and when she comes down (once every two or three weeks) my mother-in-law makes a huge deal out of the fact that they "never get to see her," forgetting that I get to see my family only once every few months. She has even begun to introduce me as her "other daughter" leaving my mother to feel like she is being replaced (which will NEVER happen.) My mother understands, though it was difficult at first.

I know that my mother-in-law feels lonely. Her husband is rude to her and, with the exception of her eldest daughter, her children and sister avoid her and have all been known to not pick up the phone when she calls. But, she smothers everyone she is around.