In-Laws! Why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In-Laws! Why?
7
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:47pm
Hello, I've been married to my husband for 6 months and been living with his sixty some odd mother, his 42 year overly dependent but not disabled sister, and his 20 year old son coming up on two years now. I also have a 7 years old daughter. We live in a 3 bedroom made 4 bedroom townhome. I feel like I'm going crazy in this house. I feel like I stand alone with my daughter. My husband will side with his family before finding out what I say is true or not. He will tell his mother where he's going and leave my to wonder. I'm ready for a divorce. The only time I get half genuine affection is when he wants to have sex. We fight all the time. From sun up to sun down. I don't want to divorce my husband but it seems like the only logical answer. All I want is to have my own home,space from his family other than my room, and my husband. I don't come out of my room because I am tired of seeing is family everyday. We are suppose to move in June but my gut is telling me the "everybody" is moving in June. His sister was told she had to straighten out of financial affairs long before I came along to take on the payments of the property and care for their mother. But that hasn't happened. I gathered that much when I would have general conversation with her about finance to see where she stood. My husband originally was going to relocate to New York before he met me and extended her deadline until our wedding date. My husband told me I don't make him feel like he should give me a home for us. What does that sound like to you? He told me I don't make him feel like doing anything for me. You can could imagine some of things that are not happening to make me happy in order to make him happy. I told him (and he understands because he tells me all the time) that this a give and take relationship. He told me I'm not supportive, when I can't be looking at someone back. And he's not giving me the opportunity to be supportive or anything else. He told me he was only going to focus on the development of his son future so he can take over his company. So I'm under the impression that I'm left to be married to myself. And to top things off, there's a possibility that I'm pregnant and I have not desire to want to be. I am seeking professional help now and have decided to see what happens in June. And if what I thought happens then I'm leaving him. Do you think I'm wrong for this, out of my mind, or putting to much pressure on my husband?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:13am
First off I am sorry you have to go through such a hard time in the early marriage. I have a husband (1yr) and we have roomates who are "family"; two. I used to get into arguments to my husband about everything and he sided with his friends. I became angry and bitter and almost left. I expressed my feelings many times before my husband actually got that myself as a wife comes first. Have you talked to him about how harmful this is for you? I think you both should try counseling together. I don't think you are wrong at all for deciding if he dosen't pull through with his word on getting you two out alone you will leave. Especially if he does not listen to your pain and try to understand. I think your husband's main problem is he is there with you (who's new in his life) and his family (whom he's known longer.) Naturally he's going to flee to the people he's always known like my husband did. He will continue to do so until you make him clear that it's unacceptable now and you're his wife and you come first. See what happens after you try that and see if he's willing to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:02am
I don't think you're wrong in this situation. I mean, come on. You're putting up with his mother, sister and son. I'm sorry, but a woman who is 42 years old should know how to take care of herself. And if she doesn't, can't or won't, doesn't mean that you have to put up with it. This is your husband's fault. He's let them do this and he's been supporting their behavior. Remember, though, that he has an obligation to his mother because she is his mother. There are two too many people in your home; your mother in law and your sister in law. I think the biggest problem is the sister. Your husband should want to take care of his mother and his son, but if he's insisting on supporting his irresponsible sister, you shouldn't have to put up with all the crap that comes with it. You need to talk to him now and see what's going on and what he wants to do. I don't know how you've had the patience to deal with that. You're married to him; not his entire family and YOU don't OWE them a thing. I wouldn't blame you if you got divorced. You have someone you need to take care of, too and if these other people in the house are affecting that then you need to do what's best for your daughter and get the hell out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:32pm
He's married to you and his first loyality is (should be) to you and the marriage he has with you. If you aren't supportive, it's probably a reflection of the chaos you life in - his family, him taking their side, etc.

I suggest if you don't want a divorce, take him to counseling - let the counselor tell him he needs to set boundaries with is family and be supportive of his wife and put his focus on making a home/life with you, not them.

Also, try posting on the In-Law support board here at ivillage.


Edited 4/1/2004 3:35 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:35pm
I have tried talking to him about it but it's like I'm talking to my own image in the mirror. And if we say ok we are going to sit down and try to work it out,I will mention I I've seen going on in the house, he gets defensive and we fight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:52pm
Like I was telling butterfly224, I've tried talking to him and it ends in a agrument. We are not speaking to one or another right this minute. In fact I have not said a word to anybody in the house. I recently been actively seeking counseling and I called 3 therapist before I finally got in contact with the forth therapist I called. I have a very unique name and most people don't get the pronouncation of my name the first go around. I could not figure out how was I have called 4 people and none of them have called me back? I couldn't figure it out for nothing. I thought would they treat me like this if I was sucidal? I turns out that they were all having trouble pronouncing my name and my "Mother-In-Law" was giving them hell about. The fourth therapist (when I finally got in contact with her)just came out and said "why is she so nasty"? She told me she called several times before and because she couln't pronounce my name, she got the third degree. So I thought to myself, this had to happen to the other three. And I wouldn't call anybody back either having gone through that. I also found out that the therapist excepts my husband insurance plan, but me or my daughter isn't on the plan. It gets better, I waited a day to tell my husband about how his mother was over the phone. I told him about it, I told him what the therapist reaction to it was and everything. He heard nothing but "why is she so nasty" and completely turned it on me. Told me that's how she suppose to answer the phone and that I'm the one that is nasty. I am so close to a nervous breakdown.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:00pm
itwinflame, I have been as supportive to him as best way I know how. It's obvious he's looking for a different kind of support and I don't know what that is and he's not telling. I'm suppose to figure it out, I guess. He won't give me any indication of whether I'm on the right track or not about it either. If the support involves me giving into him supporting everybody in the house (and saying I'm paying the rent so you can have a roof over your head and you're just going to have to deal with it)then I won't support him. If that's the kind of support he's looking for. I've told him that I'm his first and most important priority right now and he told me no I'm not. His family his is and if I can't be apart of that then we have to split. Now I'm not making this up, these are his words. I can be apart of this family under and only under different circumstances. Not like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ygodley
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:03pm
Again his loyality should be to you and your marriage. Clearly, you aren't. Very sad. He's willing to let you go, end the marriage, because his priorities are messed up, hmm, maybe you will be better off without him.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie