LDR and lack of attention

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
LDR and lack of attention
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 5:05pm

Very conflicting feelings... We were in a very romantic, beautiful long distance relationship for about 9 months, and now we even have the plan to be together, staring well... next week. The home base is not yet defined, but we are both flexible and can go around (working from computer), so we will try some different places and see how things go. However, before this being together happens, he went away for 3.5 months, by himself, to a trip he had planned before we even met - he's by himself in a savage location in a very far-away country, practicing his sports passions, and he's been saying that he's been very happy there, and that he really needed this getaway and to be by himself in tranquility, and has been dreaming about it for long time, and it would have been even better if I was there with him, and that he promises from now on he will make all plans with us as a priority and that I am constantly on his mind and that he is now very looking forward to seeing me. But this happiness that he found being without me really hurts my feelings. I live my live and enjoy many things and have many friends, but I have this constant feeling of hurt, because I didn't feel I was a priority all this time and he can be perfectly happy without me. Do I sound spoiled? Maybe. But I was very used to male attention all the time, and not having any direct attention for 3.5 months, because I have been good and faithfull, makes me feel sad, frustrated... We chat every day, we have exchanged long emails about how we both feel (intitiated by me), and he has been very sweet. Tell me that I am wrong. I would like to hear that. I am afraid to meet him at the airport and not be able to hide being upset from the moment we meet. I want this to work between us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2008
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 5:43pm

It's not clear what you're expecting or what other than 3.5 months apart has been upsetting.  

You may look within yourself for the answers.  Are there expectations you have that were discussed and not met?  Are there expectations you have that have NOT been expressed and have not been met?

From your message it's not clear that this guy did anything other than follow through on what you two talked about before deciding to be in the same place, etc.  If this is the case you arrive at the airport upset - he will certainly be confused and not at all clear what to do/why you're feeling as you are (after all the IM and emails he'll likely wonder why none of this was known before

Does any of this resonate with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 6:46pm

The key here is that he had planned the trip before you met--I would think it might be a little strang if after dating you for 9 months that he suddenly decided to go away alone for so long, but I don't think he should have had to change his plans if this was some long held dream.  I understand that it was difficult to be apart for so long, but if you start off being mad at him, you are going to ruin the relationship--you should start off happy & excited to see him and start being together.  The fact that he can be happy w/o you doesn't mean that he doesn't love you--it means he's an emotionally healthy individual.  I mean, he did say it would be better with you there.  Considering that you weren't dating that long (I'm not sure from your post if you dated 9 months before you met or if it included the time he was away, which would be 6 months only, you really haven't been together long enough so that you should be no. 1 all the time.  You do sound a little needy & spoiled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 11:33pm

What Music said.

I also wonder since this has been a LDR, if it is going to work once he is with you all the time and realize how high miantenance you are ....

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 2:01pm

Good heavens.  Give the poor man a break.

He had a dream that he wanted to fulfill.  He planned it before ever meeting you.  He wants to live with you.  He says "it would have been even better if I was there with him, and that he promises from now on he will make all plans with us as a priority and that I am constantly on his mind and that he is now very looking forward to seeing me."

And yet, you are angry that he's HAPPY?  Aren't you supposed to be in love with the man?  If you're in love with someone then you want them to be happy - not miserable.  With OR without you.

I foresee trouble ahead if you can't learn to put someone else's happiness ahead of your own.  Especially someone who has no trouble articulating how much he loves you and wants to be with you, and who thinks what he is doing would be EVEN BETTER with YOU.

The only person who is going to make your relationship not work is you, if you can't get control over your emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 4:58pm

Being happy without each other, and doing things as individuals is vital in a relationship.  Being attached at the hip, and not allowing the other the freedom to pursue their passions and dreams will cause resentment and discord in a relationship. My husband enjoys activities I do not, and vice versa.  Because he feels free to do what he wants (and I do as well), we are that much more happy to be with each other.  I don't have any fear that my husband is not thinking about me when he's not with me and vice versa.  To me, the key here is that your bf has been communicating with you while he's been away, to ensure that he keeps the connection with you (which has been LD anyway).  If he went off for three months with no contact, then I would say that might be cause for some concern.  I don't think it's logical that he can put you first all the time, as you can't always put him first.  Perhaps you need to pursue a lifelong dream of your own to fully appreciate what he needed to do for himself.  I don't know that you are spoiled but perhaps a little insecure? 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 8:43pm

You're wrong. It sounds like he's making an effort to stay involved with you while he is off fulfilling his dream---it could have been easy for him to rarely bother but instead he makes time to chat with you and write long emails and try to reassure you. And he said that he wished you were there with him--what more could he say? Surely you don't wish he said his dream trip was terrible? Like another person said, you should be happy for him that he's having a great time.

IMO its unrealistic to expect someone to make you their first priority all of the time. To do so will set you up for disappointment and hurt...as you have found out.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 9:01am

Get over yourself and get a grip on yourself. You should feel fortunate you found a man who has dreams and passions and pursues them. In the end it will make for a far better relationship.