LDR&May/December Relationship Freakout!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
LDR&May/December Relationship Freakout!
2
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:52pm

My BF and I will, hopefully, be celebrating our one year anniversary come the end of August. While our meeting story was a fairy tale--we met at a mutual friend's wedding, neither of us excited to be there or looking to interact with anyone or finding anyone--the rest, at times, resembles something only Dr. Phil could figure out.

We have many things working against us, from our 20 year age difference, to our 230 mile separation, but also our politics, life goals, and communication styles.

I told him that when we met I was half hippy. I meditate, believe in counseling, conscious-rising groups, eating organic, and in general self-healing. I came from a well to do background that has been filled with tragedy and life changing experience. I volunteer, head a non-profit and try to see the beauty the world has to offer.

My bf is a real meat and potatoes kind of guy, hard working mechanic, loves his motorcycle and muscle car, and likes his spare time to be filled with visiting family, having a couple of beers and watching his local MLB team play. He talks about Bill O'Reilly, I talk about ending the war.

He is not a phone guy, or letter or email guy. We save all our big talks for face to face. I just want to talk, then and there, so it doesn't get worse or forgotten.

I drive to see him about 90% of the time. When I started to push that he come see me more and told him we should have better communication because we can't change our situation, that is when he said he didn't like the distance and wanted to know what we should do about it. While I am planning on attending a grad school down the street from him in a year and he is 7 years away from retiring and getting a great pension it only made sense, to both of us, that I move closer to him. This made him feel better. I didn't want to move so soon, hoping I could have another year as an executive under my belt for my resume, and I'm not too thrilled about the job hunting prospects so soon after I got this job--one month before I met him. But I thought it made sense to start looking, I don't have any friends here, the pay couldn't buy me a condo even or a new car, but the title was enough for me to take it. I have more friends where he is, my grad program is there, and the pay is better, even if my title would be a step down.

I had two job interviews last week, and 20 mins before the first one he says, "I don't know if I'm the marrying type of guy." I understand why he said it then, but it was bad timing. I had told my board president that I would be leaving by fall, but called her back to say I would like a few more weeks before my I made a final announcement to the rest of the board so they could find my replacement.

He is looking for jobs near him and has found some through friends, his sister is offering me a place to stay until I find something more permanent. But I had to ask him, what did he mean? I have never brought up marriage but I have said things like, "When I have a kid" around him, nothing like, "when we have a kid."

I even said to him on the phone, you are freaking yourself out because these aren't even things we have talked about. He is afraid to have a kid at his age, even though he wants to. And he thinks about getting married to me but says he doesn't want me to end up hating him, based on the marriages he has seen around him. He says whenever he finds someone he really likes he starts getting claustrophobic and freaking out about things that aren't even in the present and may never happen. He knows there is something wrong but when I asked if he had ever thought about going and talking to someone he said he would like that, but he wouldn't do it. I asked if he thought if he did would that mean there was something wrong with him, and he said yes.

I learned before, I can't change anybody...it's hard to even change myself. But I really love this guy, as much as he will let me know about him, and I want to get to know him better. But I can't move from my job knowing that he has already doomed this relationship. I'll move there in a year anyway, but going faster than that would only be because I want to be with him and see if I could get to know him better.

I feel like he has lost his hope in his life, that things will never work out for him. I think he would make an amazing father. He'll turn 47 next week and I think at that age you should have a better understanding of knowing what you want. I know what I want. How do I give him time, support and love without sacrificing my goals, or relationship?

BTW, I'm in no rush to get married before I'm done with my masters, so that gives me four years, at least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 3:20pm

Welcome to the board mauryao,


It makes since that your bf would be aprehension about your future together

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:02pm
I think you should move on your own timetable, not his. If 1 year is better for your goals and needs, don't move now. I also think if he wants to see you, he should visit at least as much as you visit him and probably more as you said up until this point you've already done 90% of the visiting. If he wants you, he should work through his issues and he should want to work through those if he wants you and his issues are what's standing in the way. Do your own thing and don't make excuses for him or buy his exceuses. Stay where you are until it's a good time for YOU to move. He knows where to find you. , If he's into you like you are him, he'll come looking. If not, why would you want to move for a guy who is so uncommitted to you?