Learningtolove....what's going on??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Learningtolove....what's going on??
11
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:54am
How did everything work out with bf?? Did he move out??

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:27am
HEY GIRL!

Well, no, he hasn't moved out yet. He is planning on it, but I am not sure when it will actually happen. He's not working, so financially, he cannot swing it. And, I could not live w/ myself if he moved into his car. Call me naive or stupid, but I do have feelings for this man and I won't put anyone in a situation like that. Now, if things get psycho and nuts again - something will change, even if it means I move out myself!

Things have been MUCH better - I think he's coming out of his "cycle". The violent, raging episode was a reaction to a lot of things in his life right now. I've spoken to both is mom and sister - they've helped a lot in explaining these "cycles" he goes through. He's depressed because he's not working, he drinks a little bit too much because of the depression, and then he has these 'fits'. They are both planning on talking to him about possibly seeing someone to control his anger and possibly get on anti-depressants.

Last night was awesome...no harsh words, no dicussions about anything - just hung out together, munching on snacks and watching 3 episdoes of South Park. Lately he's been falling asleep on the couch and waking up and coming to bed like 3 or 4am - last night he came to bed at 1, which was a good sign to me.

I'm not sure where this will all lead and I know that things aren't perfect. I don't have on 'blinders' and its possible that things might get worse before they get better. I just cannot bring myself to give up yet - not when I know both sides of who he is. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:39am
I can't believe you're putting your sympathy for him over your daughter's safety! What if the next time he goes off, she IS home? This guy KILLED a pet! KILLED! He is dangerous and if I knew you personally I'd be reporting you to Child Welfare Services for having a dangerous person living in your home and disregarding your daughter's safety.

I can't believe you aren't doing what's best for your daughter, regardless of the cost to him. Stop being so selfish!

Sheri


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:08pm
Im not saying that this guy does not have issues but in Learningtolove's defense....hamsters can die very easily. I have had many of them and this is why I will not get one for my son. I once had a hamster that died after my brother squirt it with a water gun-apparently it died of shock or something. Her bf could have knocked the cage over and it would have died. I dont think that her situation should require a call to Child Welfare Services. This is for children that are in physical danger. Children that are beat, sexually molested or even tortured. She has not mentioned that her daughter has ever experienced verbal abuse let alone physical.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:14pm
Perhaps, about the hamster. Her original post says he *smashed* the cage, not knocked it over (as well as that he choked her). These are deliberate actions.

But why on earth would a mother take *any* chance at all with her daughter's safety? This guy is unstable and who knows when his next episode will happen? He obviously can't control himself. It's a dangerous situation for the daughter...there's no sense in *waiting* until he hurts her to get out of the situation! If there's any *risk* of danger to the daughter (and there obviously is here), that needs to be dealt with appropriately. She's letting her feelings for this man override her daughter's safety and that's just plain *wrong*.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:15pm
Let's quit kidding ourselves....he was on his last leg at his job and knew it and pushed to move in with you because he didn't want to live at home anymore and he wanted his freedom.

His rage cycles are determined by his ability to do what he wants to a great degree. As in, if he did this living at home he'd be living in a car or on the street without a backward glance given his lack of desire to seek recovery in true venues....and he knows it.

So, he's living with you, financially unable to move...and honey, that is EXACTLY how this situation will remain. He wasn't able to live on his own prior to knowing you - and he isn't ever going to be able to move out independently without finding another woman, or another source of benefit and income.

So munch on the snacks and enjoy yourself, rage proof the house by getting rid of all the breakables and seriously consider outlining with your daughter a plan of escape should his rage escalate when she's around and gets scared and in order to keep him from touching her or having her come into his line of attack - you have to put your body in the line of fire and take his violence and abuse.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 1:23pm
In regards to my daughter's safety...

There has NEVER been any type of 'abuse' - verbal, emotional, OR physical - towards her by my BF. I absolutely WOULD NOT tolerate that. His last girlfriend had a son - he helped RAISE that baby from birth until they broke up. During the time they were together, HE prevented HER from hurting that baby. He is NOT a violent man - YES, he has a temper, yes he is depressed, but he is NOT, I repeat NOT a threat to my daughter.

In regards to his job...

He walked out - he was NOT fired. He had been promised a substantial raise and was given about 1/6 of what was promised. He was not on his 'last leg'. He HAS lived on his own in the past and done very well. He didn't 'push' to move in with me - I OFFERED! We both saw it as a financial step up for both of us, so it's not like he begged, pleaded and borrowed to get an apartment with me.

In regards to the hamster...

The cage was already busted when the hamster died - it was not 'killed' by the cage being broken - like someone mentioned - hamsters die easily - it wasn't even injured...it died from the shock (and to be honest, the hamster that died had been ill for some time - I had been procrastinating about taking it to the vet because of the cost).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 1:36pm
I'm going to stand on a premise that anybody that has a temper that is not self-controlled is a danger and threat to anybody they come in contact with.

A 'temper' is flared by someone not getting their way. Life is a river and you don't control the current. He's bound not to get his way...and when that happens whoever is in the path is prey to his fury.

Now....as for this child he helped raise. Is he actively supporting that child financially still? Does he still visit and raise that child? If not....realize that the situation you're familiar with is only from one side of the coin and that it is in no way complete. A child that he's raised as his own and has been the protector of - despite his lack of parental DNA has no less obligation to that child by moral standards based on a separation of the adults than a legal parent with court ordered visitation and support.

So hon....you're living my life and I know what that meant in my case. I've held back that particular comment till now. You're falling in love with his potential based on a perception of self-inadequacy and with a very lopsided view of the facts...and it's likely to end up negatively. I just hope not destructively.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:06pm
I agree that a temper is a lack of self-control. I'm sure from time to time we've all blown up at the wrong person for something they didn't do...I know I'm guilty of it.

The child...

...was not his. He and the woman had been broken up, she whored around, got pregnant and had NO intentions of staying with the baby's daddy and came crawling back to BF. Now, yes, this is 'his side' of the story, but I've also done some digging and had it confirmed by others as well. BF helped raise that boy until they broke up - she is now remarried and due to the reasons for their break-up, they just don't keep in touch. Which happens w/ any relationship gone sour.

I do appreciate your honesty!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:48pm
Well, let's see.

You won't be exempt from his values...you're simply going to be impacted by them.

So his values justify and entitle him to break up with someone in a negative way (a situation he easily didn't control, I'll admit) and leave the child to fend for itself despite the emotional bond just because someone he doesn't trust, like, respect, or admire got married to someone else.

Expect those values to impact you and your child.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:06pm
SHE broke up with HIM...he didn't break up with her...and HE did it because SHE continually tried to control him, cheated on him, and he couldn't tolerate the way in which she was raising (or not raising) her child. The child is NOT his responsibility - I'm sorry, but there's no biological bond and thus he's not entitled to see the child, or help support it.

Pages