Leave the marriage or give up job

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Leave the marriage or give up job
7
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:10am
Thanks to all the read this. I compacted it as much as possible.

I'm on the brink of moving out of my marriage and need some advise. We have been married 10 years, together 13. We share two young children 8,6, and also at home is my child from a previous marriage age 22.

I have been a stay at home mom for the last 4 years as my husband has a traveling job. He would travel every week, majority being for the full week. We have weathered job losses, finincial woes, car wrecks (no major injuries). We sought out counseling a year ago. It became obivous that the main issue was my husband's feelings that I was taking advantage of him and his income to do what I want to do. We decided to work on the issue and things have been tremoundously better until now.

It all started when money got tight AGAIN and my husband insisted I find a job this fall.We both agreed that I can't work fulltime as it would cause a rift. I am married to a true blue "50's" man, who believes the home is run entirely by the woman. I accepted that as one of the conditions of the marriage, and also persued hobbies of my own. One of those hobbies is scrapbooking. I was looking for a way to work out of my house on the hobby rather than trying to reenter the manufacturing market place (I was a manger previously). I came up with the idea to partner with my friend and do scrapbooking events. Our local store is willing to give up running their crops due to work load, and give the proceeds to us if we are willing to run the event. A win/win situation as they still get the revenue from sales, and repeat revenues from returning customers, and we get the fees from the crops while doing something we love. Our only expense would be food and our time.

My husband objected from the start. Last night everything came to a head. He is convinced that I will be sucking money out of the marriage and WON"T listen to the plan. At first he want me to go to a small business institute and write a business plan. As I am essentially an employee of the store, like a tupperware sales person, I disagree. (I should mention that I sold Mary Kay cosmetics in the past successfully only stopping when we moved long distance.)

So last night finally I received an ultimatum, give up the plan or leave the marriage. And leave the house.

We had a rip roaring fight, with him calling me all sorts of names, telling me I was selfish and how miserable I make him. I tried to get him to listen to the plan, even said to let me fail without spending a dime, but he wouldn't listen. I think he just wants to control what I do. Also to give you an idea of what an SOB he can be, he locked what is "my dog" outstide during a severe thunderstorm for the night after I left the room and went to bed. When I was woken up by the dog barking outside around 2 this morning, he was still up and snickereed as I passed him with the dog. As the dog is terified of thunderstorms, it's a good bet he was trying to get the dog to run away.

We have been down this road before, as he gave me an similiar ulimatum when I was working full time, to leave a commuting job (45 min) for a local job. The job was a disaster, bad pay, bad people, bad everything. After 3 years I parted the company on bad terms. My husband thinks this is entirely my fault, but I think 3 years is enough time to show I really tried!!! I said to myself back then I would never let him dictate to me again.

I know that if I persue my plan and try to stay in the marriage, even if I get a verbal go ahead, he will not support me and will undermine my efforts by putting roadblocks in my way as he has done in the past by picking arguments such as "your too busy doing what you want to take care the house" or by refusing to take care of his children when I have some business to take care of. He has done this in that past. I have had partime jobs, before which he has also complained out, especially if he doesn't get dinner extacly as he wants, time, and food, and service!!!

I thought we had reached an understanding that I have needs to and that me taking a partime job this fall would be a burden both of us would share, but I think now that he only want to dictate to me. The money issues we are having is a real sore spot for me cause where as I wear out my sneakers, that I buy at Wal mart, he has 4 pairs of golf shoes. He orders custum martini's at $10. a pop when we go to dinner, I get house wine. He constantly feels he needs the best, and is unwilling to compromise.

Finally (Thanks for reading this!) I am completely cut off from my family as we moved 10 minutes from his hometown. My nearest relative is 700 miles away. I don't have a good friend to bunk with as I only have either casual friends or common stay at home mom friends. I havn't worked in 4 years so my just leaving can't be done unless I go to a hotel ($$$) leave the area to my families homes. The only positive thing is my husband is changing his traveling job to a local job, so we could work out something with the children.

So my questions are: Stay or leave?

Stay and get prepared to leave? How?

Stay for the good of the kids, once again? How to find some happiness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:24am
I sympathize with your hardship and your story - you have certainly been through a lot.

There are lots of issues here and I believe it is worth it for both of you to try counseling and to work it out. A divorce would solve having to be in an unhappy marriage but it would also bring many more problems and since you cannot support yourself that is very hard for you and the children.

It would seem on the face of it that he can expect help with the income if you are able to give it but he should not dictate how you get it as long as it is moral and legal. Also, if you are doing everything around the house that is worth something very valuable.

If you left for a little break/vacation do you think he would miss you if he has to clean the house, take care of the kids, do laundry, shop and prepare meals? I am thinking it would be good for you to go to a family members house for just a little while so you can both have time to think straight. And then maybe he can see just how much you are worth and how much he misses you?

Maybe this time away will help you sort things out for yourself. However, if you do take it, I would emphasize that you are not leaving - just taking a little break to see if you can both think of a win-win situation and try not to throw in the towel.

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:04am

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:39am
It doesn't sound like this marriage is about real partnership, but rather about him leading and you following - or else. As long as everything goes his way, he's a nice guy - when things are going his way... The story about your dog is horrible and speaks volumes about what kind of person he is.

I would seriously consider getting out of this 'arrangement' - what are the benefits of staying, other than your children? Does he have a good relationship with them? Is he a devoted father?

Marriage counselling would be a start, but perhaps you've already been down that road? Anyway, a selfish person is a selfish person.. I would personally consider moving to where your family are located - I am a single mother and family is everything in a single parent situation.

Best of luck - your husband does not sound like a very nice person.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:22am
LEAVE!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:06pm
So you live with a dictator, whose ego is tied into him being the breadwinner and he can tell you to get a job as long as it's one that doesn't make you 'shine' too brightly. While reading your post, I wanted to be at your house and smack your husband.

While I am not opposed to traditional marriages, your marriage goes beyond that. Your husband is abusive, controlling, has to have his way or the threatens you.

My suggestion, you go back to counseling ASAP and see if he will listen to the plan in front of a third party. You sound like a level-headed, smart woman and I think your husband feels threatened that you might do better financially then him. i.e. If this business takes off and it has the capacity to do so, read that, it means you could take care of yourself financially and not 'need' your husband and my best guess is that he's afraid and reacts in a non-productive way. So if he can't support you whole-heartedly, I think you could make it on your own with your new business... and won't his life change when he's responsible for the kids on his weekends and housework in his own place?

Reminds me of when my mom wanted to go back to school for her real estate license. She was probably over 50. My dad was very opposed. So, I went with him to a baseball game and had a conversation with him. I didn't bring up my mom and what she wanted to do, I talked about friendships and marriages and made a reference to if our 'friend' wanted to do something new and different with their life, career change, whatever, it's amazing how supportive we are, yet why don't we feel that same 'happiness'/'excitement' for our spouse? Why can't we be their friend too? Needless to say, my mom went back to school, my parents are still together and things went easier for her after the baseball game.

Sorry you have to go through this. My best to you on your decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:44am
Oh my - give up the plan or leave the marriage. And leave the house.?????? I'd love to give him a real hard shake but, I know it won't do a bit of good.

It seems as though you are realizing that your H will never change. He is choosing to hold you back from living your life to your standards and to the fullest. You seem to be ready to go but, you just don't see how you will be able to do it. (Yet?)

My suggestion is to ask your H to go to counseling with you. Fill the counselor in ahead of time why you are coming. Explain your business plan (even write it up formally). Either he will hop on your band wagon *or* he will use any tactic to remain in control of you. I think you already know which one he'll ultimately choose. It is *NOT NORMAL* that he would not want this for you and for your family. He may tell you that he's on board while in the counselor’s office but, I wonder. You know him and the past. Do you really expect his support?

My situation was similar to yours because, I did virtually everything for the children and the home. We started a manufacturing company together. Once the children were born he dictated my work schedule at home and the office. I did not have access to my own money. After 10 years of marriage and broken promise after broken promise of change, I knew I needed to leave. I didn't have access to the financial resources and I have three children. Not only is it very hard work to uproot a whole family but, they needed stability through this turmoil. They should be allowed to remain in their own home, even if it's just temporary until we sell the house. I needed him to leave. (Seems the logical choice in your situation too as his relatives are only 10 mins. away)

I told stbx I thought he should move out. He got very angry, refused to leave, called me names, threatened to take the children, etc. It got very ugly. I had to threaten to call the police. In the end he agreed to go to counseling. I already had two appointments booked for the following day. I made one appointment in the morning, which stbx did not know about, and one after work. I went in the morning and explained my situation and left his suitcase for him (packing for him was my job too). After work he went to our 'joint' appointment. The counselor spent two hours with him. In the end he was able to convince him that it was in everyone's best interest that we separate and that he be the one to move rather than me and the boys. They called me, on speaker, to tell me where stbx would be staying and we arranged an appointment for the next day to discuss visitation. It was not easy and 2 1/2 years later, I'm still fighting for the divorce but, I realize that separating (and now divorcing) is the best thing I could have ever done for me and my boys.

The good news is that just by living with him you have gain very valuable experience that will help you in your business. You have learned patience and perseverance. You have learned to be resourceful. You've learned to look ahead to anticipate possible problems. You have had to be very organized and have excellent time management skills. I'm very sure you've learned how to treat someone as though they are always right. These are all very valuable business tools.

If you want to do this, do it! What is the alternative? What would doing it *his* way accomplish? He does not want you working outside the home because the way he sees it, it will take something of his away. You. You are his and you should be doing what he tells you and catering him at all times. The title "Business Owner" does not fit in his plan of what you are allowed to be. He will never agree. You'd be out meeting people - people who would like you and support you. People who might tell you that the way he treats you is wrong. He can't risk that, can he?

Personally, I think you need to get out of this relationship. I'm not saying this based on this one incident. I'm saying this because of the pattern of verbal, emotional and financial abuse you describe your life to be. His actions and behaviour show complete disrespect for you and your wants, your needs and your dreams. He's telling you that he will not tolerate any of *that* interrupting his life as he wants it.

Whatever your decision is about your marriage, I think you should definitely go ahead with your business, supported or not. Stop talking to him with the expectation that he’ll help or even give you his blessing about this. Maybe it’s best to stop talking to him about this at all. Do this for you and your future. If it's true that it costs him nothing, he'll have no reason to complain.(but that won't stop him) If he refuses to watch his own children, hire a sitter. You'd have to do that if you were a single mom anyway. Try it on for size. It's your life and you only have this one. Do what you need to do for *you* whether he helps or not.

Individual counseling would really help you think this through clearly. The counselor you go to should be specifically trained in dealing with abuse dynamics. They are really the only ones who understand that this is not an otherwise equal partnership that is just having communication problems. The dynamics of the power imbalance and control issues in abusive relationships are the root of this situation.

You can call the national hotline and they can refer you to resources available to you locally. There are also web sites that will give you information on the family laws and your rights as they apply in your state/country. There's a board here at ivillage called "Recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse". Don't be scared off by the title. The board's home page has tons of useful information and links.

Good luck and much success in your new business venture. Have you picked a name for your company yet? Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:54pm
if youve done all you can to discuss this situation with your husband-and still no compromises-you have to follow your heart-you need to look into yourself and find out if this is what will make you happy-it sounds as though youve spent alot of your married life making him happy-what about you.it wont be easy-it will be very hard at first but if you feel this is what you need to do -do it and maybe your husband will come around after seeing what a difference it will make to you your whole self being-if he doesnt-at least you will be doing something that makes you happy