Less attracted to me
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Less attracted to me
| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:08am |
Please someone help!!! Another topic I start, geez I think I'm crazy. Anyways, because of my husband and I fight so much, I think he is slowly get unattracted to me. No matter how much we fight, he's always the hottest guy to me and I show it, but with him, he stays away and it really hurts my ego and me. I'm 19 and he's 22. We're young so I bet the fights are out of imaturity...jealousy of everyone, he said this she said that, he doesn't think about me, she is always doing this...so SOMEONE please tell me how we can stop!!! We both have bad tempers too, so that doesn't really help, lol. I'm starting to think we're not going to make it and I feel like I just want to quit now...please give me insight before I do anything stupid...

First, you arent going to make it. Not if you keep going this way. Is that enough of a reality check?
Tempers are not anything save an excuse. Its not only an immature emotion reserved for late teens and early twenties, Ive seen people in their thirties act just as horribly thinking they can get away with it. All saying that you 'have a bad temper" does is try to justify your actions so you can continue to hurt each other without having to pay for your words.
Alot of people assume that being cruel and hurtful and screaming and such is a 'mature and assertive person who fights for what they want" which is total RUBBISH. If you would like to know what the rest of society sees when you or he act this way, go to your nearest shopping mall and watch a child laying on the floor, screaming, kicking theier legs. Thats what it looks like.
An assertive adult doesnt HAVE to scream, vent, push, shove, rage, whimper, pout, whine, or sulk. An assertive person stands up for themselves by simply stating, "No, I cant allow that. Im sorry.", or "I simply cant allow you to do this to me when I feel its wrong." Someone who is merely venting anger is only reacting, not solving, not working on anything, merely expressing. When they act that way, they embarrass others and just like with the screaming kids, we turn away. We dont listen, because if we give them the attention that they're throwing a tantrum for, they're going to do it again. When you show them that you wont tolerate that, you wont have your strings pulled, they stop.
I think that the hardest part of your marriage, given your ages and my past experiences, it sounds as if the reality of marriage, its true meaning, has finally hit home. Before we marry, we all have such HUGE expectations for it, and then ...we wake up. My God, its just like being single with all the responsibilities, the demands on us, and now they have DOUBLED! Its a very hard blow to the stomach at first and who do you take it out on? Each other.
The thing that you both are going to have to decide on, and commit to your decision, is whether or not to fix it. Can it BE fixed now? Likely, though its going to take alot less worrying on "me, my, I, mine" and all kinds more thinking on "US, ours, we, our". Your relationship is not all about your wants, your needs, your contentedness, its about his too. This is where compromise comes in. In a marriage, thats what its all about. You end up not getting what you want, but you can get closer to it. You each agree to give a small sacrifice that you want all for you, and he the same, to get a benefit for the both of you whether its feelings, money, vacations, housework, kids, etc.
Happily ever after isnt real. Period. You're lucky if you get pretty good... or rather, you work at it all the time if you get 'pretty good'. It takes work, it takes dedication, and it takes sacrifice. You two made a decision to be married as man and wife yet you two are still acting as boy and girl. You have to realize that maturity is something that is gained by hardships. I would like to hope that you two dont have to deal with the devastation of divorce before you can mature. Youre skirting a little closer than I would ever want to be, I can tell you that. (again)I got married for the first time when I was 20, and it was a nightmare (drunk and abuser). Leaving that marriage, I was much more wise to reality than when I went in. My ex husband still hasnt learned, he never did mature and at 33 he has NO life, NO home, NO drivers license, and two more children besides the two that he gave to me that he abandoned.
I was a very naive, very spoiled, emotionally immature young lady until I was about 28 or so. Reality hit with a bang with about two VERY hard years. Those years revamped who I was much moreso than being a parent did, sorry to say. Oh, yes, you will mature - believe me, and you'll hate those experiences that make you. :)
Im not trying to be mean, nor to talk 'down' to you because you are younger. I wouldnt do that. But I would like to warn you of what is going to happen if you two dont try to fix this mess before it gets any worse. Marriage can be a downright wonderful thing, very enriching to your life, and to your soul. Or it can be a hell, a prison, a trap. It is what YOU TWO MAKE IT, nothing else. If you two GAVE proper treatment to each other half as much as complaining of the treatment that you GET from each other, you'd have a good marriage. Do you realize that?