Less attracted to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Less attracted to me
2
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:08am
Please someone help!!! Another topic I start, geez I think I'm crazy. Anyways, because of my husband and I fight so much, I think he is slowly get unattracted to me. No matter how much we fight, he's always the hottest guy to me and I show it, but with him, he stays away and it really hurts my ego and me. I'm 19 and he's 22. We're young so I bet the fights are out of imaturity...jealousy of everyone, he said this she said that, he doesn't think about me, she is always doing this...so SOMEONE please tell me how we can stop!!! We both have bad tempers too, so that doesn't really help, lol. I'm starting to think we're not going to make it and I feel like I just want to quit now...please give me insight before I do anything stupid...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:51am
OK... second posting. :)

First, you arent going to make it. Not if you keep going this way. Is that enough of a reality check?

Tempers are not anything save an excuse. Its not only an immature emotion reserved for late teens and early twenties, Ive seen people in their thirties act just as horribly thinking they can get away with it. All saying that you 'have a bad temper" does is try to justify your actions so you can continue to hurt each other without having to pay for your words.

Alot of people assume that being cruel and hurtful and screaming and such is a 'mature and assertive person who fights for what they want" which is total RUBBISH. If you would like to know what the rest of society sees when you or he act this way, go to your nearest shopping mall and watch a child laying on the floor, screaming, kicking theier legs. Thats what it looks like.

An assertive adult doesnt HAVE to scream, vent, push, shove, rage, whimper, pout, whine, or sulk. An assertive person stands up for themselves by simply stating, "No, I cant allow that. Im sorry.", or "I simply cant allow you to do this to me when I feel its wrong." Someone who is merely venting anger is only reacting, not solving, not working on anything, merely expressing. When they act that way, they embarrass others and just like with the screaming kids, we turn away. We dont listen, because if we give them the attention that they're throwing a tantrum for, they're going to do it again. When you show them that you wont tolerate that, you wont have your strings pulled, they stop.

I think that the hardest part of your marriage, given your ages and my past experiences, it sounds as if the reality of marriage, its true meaning, has finally hit home. Before we marry, we all have such HUGE expectations for it, and then ...we wake up. My God, its just like being single with all the responsibilities, the demands on us, and now they have DOUBLED! Its a very hard blow to the stomach at first and who do you take it out on? Each other.

The thing that you both are going to have to decide on, and commit to your decision, is whether or not to fix it. Can it BE fixed now? Likely, though its going to take alot less worrying on "me, my, I, mine" and all kinds more thinking on "US, ours, we, our". Your relationship is not all about your wants, your needs, your contentedness, its about his too. This is where compromise comes in. In a marriage, thats what its all about. You end up not getting what you want, but you can get closer to it. You each agree to give a small sacrifice that you want all for you, and he the same, to get a benefit for the both of you whether its feelings, money, vacations, housework, kids, etc.

Happily ever after isnt real. Period. You're lucky if you get pretty good... or rather, you work at it all the time if you get 'pretty good'. It takes work, it takes dedication, and it takes sacrifice. You two made a decision to be married as man and wife yet you two are still acting as boy and girl. You have to realize that maturity is something that is gained by hardships. I would like to hope that you two dont have to deal with the devastation of divorce before you can mature. Youre skirting a little closer than I would ever want to be, I can tell you that. (again)I got married for the first time when I was 20, and it was a nightmare (drunk and abuser). Leaving that marriage, I was much more wise to reality than when I went in. My ex husband still hasnt learned, he never did mature and at 33 he has NO life, NO home, NO drivers license, and two more children besides the two that he gave to me that he abandoned.

I was a very naive, very spoiled, emotionally immature young lady until I was about 28 or so. Reality hit with a bang with about two VERY hard years. Those years revamped who I was much moreso than being a parent did, sorry to say. Oh, yes, you will mature - believe me, and you'll hate those experiences that make you. :)

Im not trying to be mean, nor to talk 'down' to you because you are younger. I wouldnt do that. But I would like to warn you of what is going to happen if you two dont try to fix this mess before it gets any worse. Marriage can be a downright wonderful thing, very enriching to your life, and to your soul. Or it can be a hell, a prison, a trap. It is what YOU TWO MAKE IT, nothing else. If you two GAVE proper treatment to each other half as much as complaining of the treatment that you GET from each other, you'd have a good marriage. Do you realize that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:39am
I totally agree. I'm 22 now and got married when I was 19. My DH was 20 then and is 23 now. We were the fairy tale couple while we were dating (started dating in HS in 1998). All our friends envied our relationship and everyone said we were meant to be together forever. We became engaged Christmas 2000 and were married September 2001. After that reality hit and we found out the hard way that no matter how "great" a couple you are you still will always have to work at marriage harder than anything else. We still have a great relationship (what randa cole called "pretty good") but there are times I just want to rip his head off (and same for him too I'm sure LOL). Even with those times we've learned to work through everything in a mature adult way, even though we're still kids at heart. We still loose it from time to time but you've got to remember that love and communication is stronger than anything and will pull you through it all. It may be hard now but if you work at it--it WILL get better. Tempers ARE just an excuse. It doesn't matter what your age is you CAN learn to control them and act more mature. I found that out when I was about 16; I had my dad's HORRIBLE temper. For me it just kinda clicked when I realized how much like children we were when we fought and argued (which was ALL the time, with each other and everyone else). It was then I decided I was going to be "older" than him (meaning more mature than him) and I did it. I changed for the better and learned how to control my temper. My dad is 46 now and still acts like a child and will never change because he sees nothing wrong with it. For me, I prefer to NOT act like a child. Just because you HAVE a temper doesn't mean you have to KEEP a temper, and same for your husband. That's just an excuse to argue and the longer you keep it the longer you'll use it and the more likely it'll split you up. If your mature enough to get married then get mature enough to loose the temper and act like adults. That's the only way to save the marriage. And as for him being less attracted to you, when you argue that's probably his way of blowing off steam-being by himself. I'd say it has nothing to do with him being less attracted to you. Like I said, loose the temper and you most likely loose the childish things that come with it (ie: ignoring you when he's mad).