lessons for next relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
lessons for next relationship?
6
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 2:49pm

Let me start by acknowledging the fact that he and I broke up and I do not see there is any way he and i would be getting back. In fact, I have plenty of doubts if I should say yes even if he proposed us to get back together.


I am curious to ask your kind advice on what signals I may have missed early or what I have done wrong in this past relationship. After all, I think that is my first serious relationship (by serious I mean I am ready to settle down).


Long story short. He and I have been seeing each other (somewhat on and off on his side, but i am certain he did not see other girls) for over a year, 3 months in the same town, 9 months in a different town. We have been visiting each other about once a month. 2007 was somewhat turbulence year for both of us. he moved to another city/country for work, father (whom has separated from the family for 10 years) passed away, his boss got fired and all the work got loaded to his shoulder, him getting frustrated with not having his social circle (he put very little efforts though. I was all supportive to him going out to meet more ppl but he always say no, its not a good time, got other stuff to take care of, blah, blah). So, along his mini-episodes through out the year, my relationship with him also went through a bumpy ride. One time he would say I am the most caring person he ever met and he keeps all those little things close to his heart. The other time he would say he is not sure.


The most recent episode is I visited him to celebrate his bday and two days later he updated his online dating profile. I was shocked so I confronted him. He explained he was not taking it serious and he did not know why he did it. Then he pointed the problem to me, told me he cannot say he loves me, I am not giving him space, he thinks it is time for him to think of marriage after being together for a year, and he is not sure if he feels that way with me, i should cancel my holiday trip to visit him (less than 10 days before christmas). Of course i felt really hurt. I told him if he wanted to work things out together (which he claimed he wanted so), he and i should get together in this holiday and have honest conversation. Plus, it would be cruel to leave me all alone, all of sudden, in this holiday. He insisted no. I took that No as No for the relationship to continue further.


I am open to others advice without feeling offended. But i felt he is quite opposite. If I brought up an issue with him (i often started the conversation with acknowledging my problems, apologies, then asked him what he thinks of certain problems), he went the opposite way.


I wonder if he is being emotionally manipulative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 4:38pm

Welcome to the board gal_luckybamboo,


I don't think you need anything wrong in the relationship. Given his actions I think he just wasn't in the right place to be in a serious commited relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 5:03pm

Broken relationships most often aren't a case of doing something wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 9:47pm

but, these on and off reasons are all because non-relationship reasons. like moving to a new job, father passed away, boss got fired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 4:19am
This just proves the previous posters comments even further.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 12:16pm
I know it is hard not to analyze relationships but I think you are overthinking this. It was never a perfect relationship for him, regardless of his life changes. He said he isn't in love with you and he is ready to date other people. It is hard to deal with a break up but you must move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 5:41pm

Yep, he was putting the relationship second to life.


My marriage has had all those issues but it's never caused us to be "on and off".