a letter I would like to share.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
a letter I would like to share.....
2
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:31pm
I wrote this to my husband after some thought inspired by a very insightful board member here - doubleblade (thank You)

After ready and rereading her posts to me I was taken aback. Flags going up sirens wailing in my head - Bringing me to some very tough realizations. Rather then blaming my unhappiness on the one person who has stuck by me and supported me - I realized I am responsible not only for my own happiness but also for my husbands poor response to me.

here is the letter I have written to him and plan on handing him today.

Dear Randy,

I did some introspection today. Looking within myself to figure out why its been so difficult for me to be happy lately. I’ve been Depending on you to make me happy lately, expecting you to make me feel good about myself and my life. In fact I’ve been looking to you for satisfaction in all aspects of my life for many months now. And Its really destroying us. Its not Your Job to fulfill me, You are my partner, companion, friend, lover .... you are not my therapist, conscience, or ego-booster. I have been disrespecting you by expecting these things of you. Sure a spouse should be supportive and caring, loving and attentive. But I should not ask you to give more then that, it is unfair and presumptuous of me to expect you to give more then I give to you. And its just wrong of me to expect anyone else to make me happy with myself and my life, no one else could do that for me.

Things need to change for us to be happy, to continue our marriage and be good parents to our children. I want our marriage to move forward and not sit here and stagnate and make us both feel so bitter, as it has recently. I have tried many things to spark our marriage up and bring it back to where we were growing together and at peace with ourselves.

I tried getting into shape, Thinking that a sexier figure would spark your interest in me and attract your approval and compliments - thinking that it would make me happier. Sure being physically fit made me feel good about my body - made me feel sexier and energized but no amount of compliments or lust from you was going to make me a better person, wife, mother. Or make me feel better. What I should have been doing is getting physically fit so I could be proud and satisfied with myself - not so you could be proud and satisfied with me.

I think you probably can see what I’m getting at here. I have been unhappy with myself and expected you to change that. When In fact you have been taking care of all your responsibilities as my husband and as a father and have been enduring a lot of extra grief from me. I have taken your love for granted, assuming because you haven’t done more you must not love me, but in fact I should have realized that its because You love me so much that you are still here with me hoping and wishing that I will start being the woman you married again.

I apologize for putting these responsibilities on you, and then being bitter and cruel to you when you haven’t fulfilled them. They are not your responsibility, and I have been blind to that. And you have suffered because of that.

I will close this letter by saying simply - Thank You for being there for me in all the ways you should be - Thank You for your immeasurable patience in this situation. You’ve given me much more time then I deserved to get this together. I can only hope that you are still willing to be my partner, and I pray that I haven’t damaged our relationship too much.

Your Friend and Lover,

Sarah

_______________________________

I will also be making plans to do things for myself, by myself, to allow myself time to be myself and learn about what makes me.... me.

Thanks doubleblade

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:24pm
Give the letter to him if you believe every word, and you are committed to yourself......and expect nothing "from this" with regard to him.

With that attitude - that is one of self-responsibility and self-requirement - you cannot "lose" -no matter what the outcome. Because will not be "doing this to get something" that has not been communicated honestly and agreed to complete.

Expect something of him as a result of you "doing this"- and you will end up in a worse situation than you've ever dreamed possible.

If I can help, let me know.

Please feel free to email if you wish.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:46pm
Sarah, let us know what his reaction is.... I think it will be positive.


Carrie