Letting go of old drama???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Letting go of old drama???
4
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 3:22am
Ok- my live in bf of 1 year and I have a significant history. Long story short- we had bad timing before (we met 6+ years ago) due to a small age difference (only 3 or 4 years). While we were apart the last time (3 or 4 years ago) he moved in with another woman for 1.5-2 of those years. Their relationship was based on a close friendship and the fact that she tried to fill a void that I had left. Meanwhile he was still in love with me the whole time (she knew it), and I loved him (my other relationships knew it). We both have our pasts and I understand that and accept it. However, when we began dating again a year ago, he was still living with her (in another bedroom) because they had bought a house together as an investment and he couldn't afford to move until it was sold (rent and a mortgage payment). She knew he and I were together again and were discussing picking up and continuing a serious future together that we never got a chance to persue before.

Problem: he cheated on me with her. We were dating. They were living together (as roommates). He was honest with me about it and extremely apologetic and remorsful. Upon my request he left the house he owned to sleep on his friend's couch until further notice. He followed my every request seeking my forgiveness and sold their house, severed all ties to her, started dating me again, moved in and the rest is history.

Or is it? Next problem: they work together but it's a large company and rarley see each other. Until she calls for no reason, or drops off his stuff that got mixed into her stuff, or leaves old photos in his work locker. Or I bring up how much he hurt me, how betrayed I feel, how he could have come to me that night but he chose her... There are a lot of unanswered questions (not about the details) but regarding my pain. We have talked and talked, thought about therapy... I just cant seem to get over the hurt, anger, resentment... Before this I was a confident, self assured, independent woman. Now I have much lower self confidence, lower sexual confidence, need constant attention and reassurance. I hate the person I am now and I want to forgive him and have tried to but it just comes up again later on. It only happened the one time and our "title" was shakey but that all feels like and excuse to say it's ok what he did. I feel like if I forgive him then I am saying "it's ok- go screw her again! I let you get away with it and I'll stay with you and get cheated on again." HELP! Any advice would be great. We are so in love and this is something I know I can get through. He is so supportive and will do anything I ask of him to do to help me thorugh this pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:50am
I belive that people make mistakes but I also believe that you don't cheat on someone you claim to love. I was in a three year relationship with someone I loved very very much and he cheated on me after the second year. He apologized, I stayed for another year and finally I broke it off. I could never trust him again or look at him the same way. You can forgive something like that but forgetting will never happen. Let him go, you should be with someone who is 100% faithful no matter what.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:23pm
::thought about therapy...

Time to do therapy.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:39pm
I think you should give up on him like my wife did. Please note that this is sarcasm. Life has many lessons and you have to make mistakes to learn from. We are human. People should not always be under so much scrutiny. I never cheated on my wife, but I felt so hopeless when she left. She just gave up and never considered counseling. She does not know how much I cared about her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:34am
Sounds like he cheated on you with her and you cheated on him even though she was still living with him. He had you both for a short while there, maybe that is what bothers you is that he is still not telling you the whole truth.

If he has not told you the whole truth about how he was having sex with two women, living with one (I do not believe it was totally platonic) and having sex with you, then how can you ever trust him again?