Is this a lie?
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| Sun, 08-05-2007 - 11:17pm |
I have been with my STBX for 18 years. We have been trying to see if we can work on our marriage to save it over the past 7 weeks. He has made little effort.
I have dealt with his infidelity, lying and emotional and verbal abuse for years. I love him and I love my family, but I don't know how much more I can bear.
We are in counseling. Yesterday we spent the whole day together, dinner with the kids and then we tried to go to a movie. Movie was sold out. I asked if he wanted to go to the later one, he said he was too tired. I told him to go home and change and come over and we can all watch a movie at home.
He came over still dressed. We watched TV for a bit he fell asleep and then so did I. When I woke up an hour later he was gone. My son told me he left when I feel asleep on the couch. He never said goodbye.
Today, I asked why he didn't say goodbye, he said I was asleep. Later, we went out with another family. The guy comes out of the car and said, do you believe I left my card at the bar last night. My STBX said, your kidding I was wondering how high that bill got.
He went out. I knew it. I just knew it when he didn't take off his shoes or change.
This is the stuff I don't like the omission stuff.
It ruined the rest of the day for me.
Is this a lie?
Maddy

The lie would be that he was too tired to go to the later movie, but not too tired to go to the bar, and that he had already planned this?
I don't know that it's a lie, unless the two of you have an agreement that he's not to go to a bar, or that a family day lasts from dawn to dawn. He may have made plans to meet his friends after the movie, and chosen not to change them. He fell asleep, you fell asleep, he woke up, family day is over, off to the bar.
I'm a lot more concerned about "I have dealt with his infidelity, lying and emotional and verbal abuse for years." Since he's an abuser, it's unlikely that he's going to change. He feels that he's entitled to his infidelities, he's entitled to lie and abuse you, and if you get back together with him, he's going to revert to the ways you already feel you can't bear. The only way he can change (and even then, it's highly improbable) is to work with a qualified abuse counselor. Is he doing that?
Yes we are in counseling. We live separate lives pretty much, but at least I have made a solid attempt to make things work. I got a restraining order against him when we separated the last time and he told our counselor that he is not sure if he can get past that part.
Believe me, he and I have made many mistakes. I really want it to work, but I want an open relationship,not one where I have to guess what is going on.
I guess the omission part is my problem. I asked him about it, but he said that his friend text him while we were on the couch and asked if he wanted to go out for a drink. My problem is why am I bothered by it?
He said he text him to get a quick drink, but when I asked where, he said he had to drive somewhere he didn't know. This guy lives about 20 minutes from us and the nearest major city is 15 minutes away. That is where I run into a problem. Sometimes a little catnap can wake you up. Maybe it did, and that is why he went.
He asked if I was saying he can't go out for a drink with the guys, that is not the issue. The issue is the way I found out he went out with the guys. Maybe I am hyper sensitive. Maybe I am be insecure. All the pieces to the puzzle don't make sense.
I already have trust issues. Hearing this and listening to the guys little comments all day while we were at the park caused me so much stress.
Maybe I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. Maybe he was going home and the 5 phone calls he receieved from the guy made did finally convince him to go out. I don't know.
This is not how I want to feel.
Maddy
'I have dealt with his infidelity, lying and emotional and verbal abuse for years.'
Why?
What have/are your children learning from this? You are their role models. What types of friends and romantic partners are they going to attract from watching your marriage and abuse? How will they treat others? why would you subject them to living with a man who at one time needed a restraining order?
Edited 8/6/2007 1:48 pm ET by ciao__gina
Madison, marital counseling is recommended against when one of the partners is abusive. I was asking if your husband is working individually with a qualified abuse counselor in an attempt to stop abusing you. Since only about 1% of all abusers actually conquer their abusive tendencies, it's not very likely that he can be helped, but marriage counseling isn't going to fix anything. There's an article about it on one of these boards--I'll see it I can find it.
Here it is--I would like to post the actual article, but I haven't asked permission, so here's the link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8991.1&ctx=512
Edited 8/6/2007 9:29 pm ET by geoteo