Lies about age
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| Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:22am |
I recently found out that my boyfriend (he is 38 and I am 25) of 7 months lied about his age to me. We met online so he lied on the site. He also lied directly to my face when I asked him how old he was, as well as letting me look fairly foolish when his birthday came around and we celebrated his 36th birthday. I told him I do not like to be lied to and asked him if he lied about anything else but he said no. He even tried to turn it around on me asking me if I had been looking through his passport and stuff (we live together)...I told him I saw his ID and switched the subject back calmly. Although it has been two days since we had this conversation I feel like I still need to have a talk with him about how my trust in him is a little wobbly right now. I am doubtful because he managed to look directly at me and, without flinching, lied. I'm not even sure if he felt guilty about it on his birthday...which might redeem him a little. Any advice? Should I just drop the subject at this point or can I bring it back up in a way? When I had a talk with him about it before I was more focused on the issue of what else he might have lied about and less on the fact that I was unsure of him- period- for being able to directly lie to me. I know 2 years isn't a big lie but a 13 year age gap is a little larger than what I was expecting. I do love him and would like to work this out however.
He told me he lied because he doesn't like the fact that he is getting older. I know he is sensitive about the subject because he is always having me pluck his one or two gray hairs that come in. I've tried to reassure him but I think it is something he needs to work out on his own at this point.
Edited 6/19/2007 9:27 am ET by confused_girl25
Edited 6/19/2007 10:26 am ET by confused_girl25

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are you seriously considering staying in your relationship with this guy.
OMG, get some self esteem and dump this loser. he is using you and you need to stop it now. This will never get better for you only worse.
get out and get out NOW!!
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My concern would be are there other things he might be "sensitive" about that he feels he needs to lie about? When is it ok to lie and not to lie?
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My SO lied to me once about a small thing. I guess it would fall into that "fib" category. He bought a doorknob and told me he needed to put it in a door that needed a new doorknob at the back of his house, when in reality he wanted to change his locks because he'd given his last gf a key. He said that it wasn't "technically" a lie because the back door really did need a new doorknob, but quickly changed his mind and acknowledged that it was, indeed, a deception and was wrong.
Was it a silly lie? Yes. Did it matter? Yes! He lied! But we discussed it like adults, he admitted that he thought it would bother me that she had a key (I'd assumed she did anyway), and admitted that he needs to discuss these things with me, regardless of the outcome. I also have known him for a very long time and know his level of integrity to be higher than anyone I've ever met. Not having known your man for quite so long, you have less to go on except for his behavior up until now.
The first thing I think you need to be concerned with is his lack of remorse. He's justifying it rather than admitting that a lie is a lie is a lie. He can dress it up however he wants, but the bottom line is he felt it was ok to deceive you once. How will you know if he deems it ok again? What will he do if he's afraid you'll be mad about something? Will he come clean and talk it out with you? Or will he "fib" about it? What if it's something that might hurt you?
These are the things, IMO, that you need to discuss with him, IMO. On how to start a discussion - you just start it. You do it in person. Don't argue - just talk. Gently tell him your concerns, and see if he can discuss it with you. If he can discuss it calmly, like an adult, that right there is a step in the right direction. If he gets angry or defensive, then you have even more information into what kind of communication you can expect going forward.
Best of luck to you.
Well, as you say, it's not a huge lie, but it is a lie. All relationships are based upon trust. Sounds as though you are now concerned that he may be lying in other ways as well. This is the danger. Of course if you ask him that point blank, he will never say he is lying. So, you have to trust yourself on this one, what are your own inner feelings about him. Let him know that on-going, open, honest communication is the best way to keep the trust in a relationship strong. If you have no other evidence of his lying, or reason to think that he is, then you have to simply decide how important those two years are to you? Is he worth the age difference? Can you communicate about things with him easily? It's up to you now to decide how much this means to you.
Best wishes,
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And rightfully so. He obviously doesn't share your morals and values if he could lie to you because he's "sensitive" about his age. With that kind of thinking, next thing you know he'll be lying to you about his affair that he's having because he's feeling unattractive and thinking it's ok.
I think the fact that he doesn't see this as any big deal would really be the dealbreaker for me.
I'd suggest reading "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward to get some perspective before deciding what to do.
I don't really think there's any coming back from this, personally. I've tried in the past but I've realized that if someone is dishonest and doesn't think lying to your SO is a big deal, changing that is close to impossible. It's a deep-seated moral/ethical thing that's really difficult to change and any time I've given a 2nd chance to someone who's lied to me, I've lived to regret it.
Sheri
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Yup, you wrapped up my point in one sentence. =)
Nice to know that I am not the only one who is also going through the same experience, yet my is different in one way.....I am currently the age of 22, the man I am seeing is 18 years older than myself, which would make him 40 years young.
We dated when I was 18, and we dated for 2 wonderful years. It was great, it was fun, he was wonderful and I learned so much from him. He showed me sights and told me things that I would not have known any other way. He was ADVENTOROUS!! The story is, he was my step-fathers best friend and I found him absolutely attractive. When we started dating, we dated on the sly, trying to keep our relationship under wraps. I would meet him at the shopping mall not too far from my mom's house and we would leave from there and he would take me to another wonderful place I had not gone to. My step-father, by the way, does not approve of our relationship. We had to in time, tell him of our seeing eachother and my step-father had a very hard time of fathoming his friend being with his step-daughter. The end result of this, was that I ended up moving out of my parents house and I moved in with my new partner.
To make a story short, after two years of dating, we decided to marry and marry we did! We have now been married for 2 years, and I love him so much! Yes, every now and again when we go out we get the questionable stares, but we could care less for we love eachother so. As for me wanting to have kids of my own, as he already has 3 from a previous marriage, we will have one in several years, when I have recieved my education and we have our first house together.
For all the other girls with older men, I say go for it and do as your heart desire...not letting anyone get in the way of your potential love you may have for the older man in your life.
On the other hand I can understand why you feel so unsure of him now. If it were me I would let this one slide, and watch him when he doesn't know you are. A lot of people lie about their age I don't think it's that big of a deal. Trust me it could have been worse.
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