Lies all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Lies all the time.
6
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 8:35am
I havebeen in this relationship now for around 2 years. My problem is that my boyfriend lies about things, mainly little but its all the time. Each time he does it I tell him it hurts me and that Im losing faith and finding it hard to believe him about things.

Most things he tells me now I always have to double ask him and ask him again just to try and believe what he is saying.

Things he has lied about are little not serious but still hurt. Things like, I bought him a pressie of the net and left the page open by accident. He told me he hadn't looked (when I knew he had done) and he kept on promising me that he hadn't. Anyway eventually he told me he had lied and had actually seen it. I told him not to lie to me about little things and he promised.

Anyway later on a few days there was something else, I had told him some private imformation and said not to tell anyone, including his mother! anyway we were at his mothers house and I went to the toilet and came down and we left, I asked him if he had mentioned it to her and he promised me he hadn't, however I had a feeling he had so I kept asking as I was finding it hard to belive him. He eventually told me later on that he had and he was sorry for lieing, It hurt me he had done it again but he promised me he wouldn;t do it anymore as I was finding it hard to believe him.

There has been alot more incidences since then as well and each time he says hes really sorry and wont lie and that I just have to learn to trust him. Hes a great guy in so many ways I just want to start believing him about things he says to me as now everything he says I can't believe and this is hard.

Any suggestions or help??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: vampd2
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 9:11am

its simple really. people lie - because their values "permit" them to lie. if you put up with the lying - that is your choice.


in general - your relationship does not sound like a loving, healthy, strong relationship. he lies to you (i am not sure what you mean by little lies) - and you *know* he is lying so you nudge and nudge and nudge him until he 'fesses up. in addition - he broke a promise to you about keeping something private.


can people change? yes. but - only if THEY want to and only

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: vampd2
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 9:17am
Hes a really loving boyfriend and always does things for me. And on top of that I totally trust him not to cheat and we do have a strong bond. The only problem is the lieing.

by little lies I mean not totally serious like cheating or kissing another women or internet relationships. I just mean little day to day things even though they are still bad.

I really want to stay with him but I also need to believe what he says to me otherwise I am always going to be doubting him.

Should I be angry at him when he lies to me? or just except it and talk to him and hope (yet again) that he wont lie again!!


Edited 1/30/2004 9:21:35 AM ET by vampd2

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vampd2
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:37am

Faith and trust are the basis of all relationships. If you cannot believe him, the very foundation of your relationship is shaky. Let him know that. It sounds to me as though he may be a "pathological liar" - this is a person who lies compulsively and has little control over it. He needs to be made to realize how serious this situation is - and that you cannot ocntinue for the long term with someone you cannot believe. If he keeps lying, even after he's promised he wouldn't, it may be necessary for him to seek some professional counselling to sort this out...Patterns that are so deep and continuous can be hard to break alone. We must understand their basic cause and how to replace them with new ways of being. If he won't face or get help for his problem, I do not think this is a good situation for you to stay in.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: vampd2
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 5:24am

well how can you say that you believe and trust him if you don't believe him? HE LIES. whether its big stuff or little stuff - its who he is. and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with lying. so if he doesn't see the big deal about lying about so-called little stuff - he is not going to see the big deal about lying about MAJOR stuff.


relationship problems are not just about your SO cheating on you. there are many aspects to life. he will lie about anything - he will lie about money, he will tell you he did something when he didn't (and vice versa), and so on.


sorry honey but this is not a basis for a healthy relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
In reply to: vampd2
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 5:29am
hey, i know how you feel. my boyfriend is also a "little liar" he promises to to lie anymore, and he still does. but my boyfriend also hides stuff behind my back. i have lost all trust in him, and i am sure you have done the same. its hard to tell you what to do, when i have stayed with my boyfriend and nothing has changed. love is a hard thing. and people always say follow your heart. i know your heart is telling you to stay with him, so maybe this time you should do what your mind tells you do to. i, am not someone who follows my mind. but girl, hes not going to change and it is just going to keep happening. and evently they arent going to be small lies anymore. you cant change someone. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: vampd2
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:47am
Ok. Lets put a little spin on this. Let's say You're in a relationship and something very serious happens that make's your so not trust you. You're telling the truth, but there's no way to prove it (or at least it would be extremely difficult, anyway). It's the type of situation where you can only take the others word for it, but your so doesn't. You're so has always believed you lied, and always will. You somehow move past this and decide to make you're relationship permanent. You marry. You have children together. For the most part, you are extremely happy, but,.....your so will always think you lied about that one thing and will never truly trust you again. Whenever you forget to tell something, you are a "liar". When you are mistaken about things, your "lying". For the rest of your life with this so, you will always have to prove your every move, have a reason for every mistake, and you will never be trusted by your so again. It gets to the point where you don't even communicate anymore because it all gets twisted around and in the end it's all chocked up as one big lie. Now you are accused of "withholding information" which is also considered a form of "lying". Tell me this: Is the person who made a terrible mistake and has no proof that it was a mistake and not a lie the one who is wrong? Could this be considered pennance for the terrible mistake that she made early on in her life.... Or, is the one who hangs it over the other's head forever, always questioning and never trusting, the one who is wrong. I know that the obvious response to this is that we never should have married in the first place (at least not without resolving this issue) but when you are young, foolish, and in love, it is hard to forsee the problems that can result from this sort of thing. I really would appreciate any and all opinions on this. I'm sorry I can't give more on what happened in the beginning (after all, I am a chronic liar, information withholder, etc.-lol) but, I don't think it is necessary to answer my question, anyway.