Life after abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Life after abuse
13
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 11:58am

Last year, on December 28, I left my fiance. We had been together for 3 years, but about a year into the relationship he became very abusive. Mostly it was emotional and verbal abuse, but there were a few times that it got physical. He NEVER hit me... he never laid a hand on me (and he still maintains that position... he didn't hit me therefore he didn't abuse me). He did however throw things at me... he ever threw an xBox out of the 2nd story window at MY HEAD when I was 5 months pregnant. Anyway... I finally workd up the courage to leave him and now I'm in a WONDERFUL relationship with the most amazing man in the world. He never has, and never will, raise is voice to me, call me names, or do anything else mean or abusive to me. Actually, he goes out of his way to make sure I am safe and happy. My problem is that I can't get rid of the fear. It still lingers from my last relationship. I am always wondering WHEN (not IF... WHEN) is he going to hit me, when is he going to yell at me, what is he going to throw at me, when is he going to cheat on me, etc. Because of the trama I went through before, I am very insecure. Can you blame me? I spent 2 years hearing things like "as soon as you leave, I'm going to go sleep with the neighbor... she looks better than you", and so-and-so "has bigger boobs than you", and "you aren't worth my time/money", and my personal favorite "you're a worthless bitch and no man will ever want you". My ex cheated on me, spent all of his time out drinking with his friends, and I spent 2 years scared FOR MY LIFE!


My insecurities and fears are going to ruin my new relationship! My new BF understands and he deals with this without getting angry and he reassures me that I will never have to worry about this again. So why am I so worried?!?! I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. So why can't I just be happy?

-JEN MyHotComments

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 12:36pm

'My problem is that I can't get rid of the fear. It still lingers from my last relationship. I am always wondering WHEN (not IF... WHEN) is he going to hit me'


Your new man can not make you feel secure so you have to do it for yourself with the help of a professional, don't you think? Seek a therapist. Do it for yourself and your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 12:44pm

Welcome to the board jlc0206,


First of all, congrats on being strong and brave enough to leave your abusive relationship. The hardest part is leaving. Now, the only way you are going to be able to fully heal from this is by getting into individual counseling. What you are dealing with right now is very normal having just left an abusive relationship.


Best wishes.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 1:17pm

Welcome to the board jlc0206,


Most victims of abuse cannot totally heal and break the pattern or get rid of the fear without therapy. Have you looked into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 1:32pm

Congratulations on having enough strength to leave a bad relationship and start leading a new life!! There are so many women who aren't as fortunate to have a resolve as strong as yours, and their endings don't turn out to be as happy. I think you've done a great thing for yourself and hope that you trust your own ability to make decisions that are best for you. The fact that you're not dating another abuser is certainly testament to that.

I don't think you can completely overcome that much hardship on your own and it's SO essential that you find a therapist to work with you and help you cope positively with negative feelings. How you are feeling right now is so understandable and it's great that your guy is patient for you. I'm glad you have a loving support system.

Unless you were to have your memory erased, there will always be an emotional scar for you when you think about your past. Over time, and with the right people helping you to ask the right questions/think the right thoughts, the pain will go away and you will fully regain your trust in other people and yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 1:55pm
I have thought about therapy. I was in therapy for a while when I was still living with him, but when I got pregnant and started working, I stopped seeing my therapist. Now I have no health insurance. If I were to tell my currect boyfriend exactly what I'm going through, I know he would help me pay any fees for therapy. But I'm not sure how to even bring this up to him. I know that he knows something isn't right... I guess he picks up on it (not that I really TRY to hide it). He knows about my past, but I don't want him to think that I'm damaged or something.
-JEN MyHotComments
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 2:01pm
Ah, then call 1-800-977-SAFE and ask for a number in your area for a good support group. I do not know if they charge anything, but it's worth the phone call.




Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 2:33pm
Should I tell my current BF what is going on? I know that he can tell something isn't right. He keeps asking me if I'm okay and if I'm mad at him and telling me that I'm not acting like myself. I hate that he thinks I'm mad at him. He's never done anything to make me mad. I'm taking everything out on him when he has done NOTHING wrong. But this is such a touchy subject, I don't know how to bring it up or what exactly to say. I don't want him to think that I'm damaged goods and leave me. Logically, I KNOW that he would never think that about me and he would never leave me over something like this... but emotionally, I can't help but be scared.
-JEN MyHotComments
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 3:35pm
I am curious why you would choose not commuinicating with him over telling him what is wrong. That is the bst way to scare him off. Relationships can't survive without honesty and communication. And if you think he will find out you are 'damaged' then don't you need to see how he reacts? Saying nothing helps no one. Take responsibility here. talk to him and see a therapist. Get a referral from your Dr.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 4:27pm
You are totally right. I need to just tell him. If he is as understanding a I think he is, then it won't be a problem. And if he isn't understanding, then it's better to know now. The problem is that I don't know how to start the conversation or what to say.
-JEN MyHotComments
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 4:48pm
How about starting off my saying something like...I am sure you have notice that I have been acting different/distance lately and I wanted to try to explain to you what is going on with me.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Pages