Life after abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Life after abuse
13
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 11:58am

Last year, on December 28, I left my fiance. We had been together for 3 years, but about a year into the relationship he became very abusive. Mostly it was emotional and verbal abuse, but there were a few times that it got physical. He NEVER hit me... he never laid a hand on me (and he still maintains that position... he didn't hit me therefore he didn't abuse me). He did however throw things at me... he ever threw an xBox out of the 2nd story window at MY HEAD when I was 5 months pregnant. Anyway... I finally workd up the courage to leave him and now I'm in a WONDERFUL relationship with the most amazing man in the world. He never has, and never will, raise is voice to me, call me names, or do anything else mean or abusive to me. Actually, he goes out of his way to make sure I am safe and happy. My problem is that I can't get rid of the fear. It still lingers from my last relationship. I am always wondering WHEN (not IF... WHEN) is he going to hit me, when is he going to yell at me, what is he going to throw at me, when is he going to cheat on me, etc. Because of the trama I went through before, I am very insecure. Can you blame me? I spent 2 years hearing things like "as soon as you leave, I'm going to go sleep with the neighbor... she looks better than you", and so-and-so "has bigger boobs than you", and "you aren't worth my time/money", and my personal favorite "you're a worthless bitch and no man will ever want you". My ex cheated on me, spent all of his time out drinking with his friends, and I spent 2 years scared FOR MY LIFE!


My insecurities and fears are going to ruin my new relationship! My new BF understands and he deals with this without getting angry and he reassures me that I will never have to worry about this again. So why am I so worried?!?! I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. So why can't I just be happy?

-JEN MyHotComments

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 6:30pm

You are suffering from a form of post traumatic stress syndrome. What this means is that the fear, pain and stress you went through are still acting upon you, even though the situation is over. This can be and should be handled professionally. There is no reason to allow it to ruin your new relationship, and you should not "use" your new boyfriend as a therapist and talk about it a lot with him. That is putting too much pressure on him and on the relationship. Go to a fine therapist and work it through. There are techniques available to release the fear and dim the memories so that they do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: jlc0206
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 7:44pm
I left my abuser of 8 1/2 years on December 22, 2006 so we have time in common.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
In reply to: jlc0206
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 2:27pm
It's so nice to know that there isn't something "wrong" with me... and that there are other people who have experienced this. I guess it took so long for me to come to this conclusion (that the trama of the abuse has carried over) because I spent so much time down playing the abuse. Even now, I find myself thinking "others have had it worse" and "it wasn't so bad". I guess I have to give myself persmission to feel however I want to feel and stop trying to rationalize everything so much. The abuse itself wasn't rational so why should my feelings about it and reaction towards it be rational. I just wish I had more of an outlet. When I was younger, I started cutting myself and after much therapy, I stopped (it's been 3 1/2 years since I last did it). But the idea never goes away and I'm so scared that if I don't do something about this soon, I'm going to resort back to my old ways of "coping".
-JEN MyHotComments

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