In limbo with long distance relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
In limbo with long distance relationship
1
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:42pm
It's been a full week since we had "the talk" and my long distance boyf said he was unsure about a second visit and what he wanted. We've been together a year, he moved for a new job 2 months ago, we had our first visit last week. While we lived in the same city and during our time apart, things have been great. We've been exclusive and have never had any major problems or issues. I'm 25, and he is in his 30s. Neither of us have been engaged or married and there are no committment issues etc. We're just two average people. When he moved we decided to try and see how things went once distance was introduced. Me moving to be with him wasn't really an option - we weren't ready for it as a couple, and it would require me leaving my career and beginning again, something I couldn't do at this time. But if things went well and we decided to keep trying, then it would become an option.


When I got back to town, I was so sad. We had agreed that we loved each other, and there was no one else, and neither of us were interested in the possibility of another person. But distance is hard, especially with no end in sight, and he told me he didn't know what he wanted, that he loved and missed me, but hated the distance and wasn't sure what we should do. He couldn't commit to planning a second visit and when I asked if he wanted to see me again, he answered "I think so." It broke my heart to hear his confusion and unsuredness. For the first time ever, I'm questioning our relationship and am unsure if we really are a lost cause and if staying together and planning another trip will just put us right back in circles.

Since I've gotten back, things between us have been totally normal. We've emailed and talked by phone as usual, but haven't discussed anything about the talk or future. At first I thought that maybe he wanted out, and when I asked him point blank during the trip, he didn't want to say it. I thought maybe he'd want the easy way out - if he couldn't get the nerve to break it off, then he'd ignore me or be distant, and it would dissolve. But he's been the first to email and call every day since I've been back, and still calls me honey and baby etc. We still talk and joke about our regular things. But I am confused. I'm wondering if maybe he is just confused and unsure, or maybe he just needs more time to break it off.

For all intensive purposes, we're just as we were before the talk. But I feel like things have changed, and I am unhappy. I feel like I am mourning our relationship, and its not even over. I am afraid to get into it again with him, to demand answers and be emotional, when only a week has passed since we've been in it. But I feel hopeless, like its inevitable that we'll break up, and that I should just end it, because the longer it strings out, the more painful it will be. But I can't bring myself to do it. I can't take down pictures of him, but I can't bear to look at them either.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:54pm
ea12345...

Turn the pictures in the opposite direction toward the wall (so you can't see the faces of you and your b/f), but don't take 'em down just yet! You might change your mind in a week or two...who knows?

Long Distance Relationships...are lousy! But to paraphrase the one and only hit tune that singer-actor David Soul had (back in the 70s)..."DON'T GIVE UP ON US, BABY!"

Find stuff to keep you busy...and socialize a little (with friends). After 30 days, you can re-evaluate your relationship and come to a decision...if you REALLY want to!

Pianoguy