In limbo, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
In limbo, need advice
3
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:29pm
I could use some outside perspective. My boyfriend of one year moved from MA to NC 2 months ago for a lucrative new job. While here we had a great relationship and really enjoyed each other and what we had. We decided not to just give up because of the move, that we'd try a long distance relationship and see how things went. I'm 24, and he is in his 30s - no past engagements or marriages for either of us, no committment issues.

The 2 months he's been gone has been a little rough but overall okay. We talk or email nearly every day and planned a trip for me to visit him, this past weekend. The weekend was great - we had a blast getting caught up, going out to eat, to the pool, just spending time together. The day I was to fly out (Monday) I knew we needed to talk a bit about our next step - planning another visit or not. At first when I asked if he wanted to try a few more months and plan a trip, he said "I guess so." Not the best answer, but he is a little passive and I wasn't too surprised. As we talked a bit more, and I got a little emotional, we wound up going in circles. I asked if he wanted to try a few more months, do a visit, and this time he said he didn't know. He said he loved me and missed me, but he hates the distance and the idea of seeing me just once every couple months. I told him I hated it too, but I loved him and I was willing to try things for a few more months, I wasn't ready to give up. He just waffled. I asked if there was anyone else, or if he'd want to be "free" to see if there was anyone else. I asked if I was holding him back. And he answered no to all of it. I flat out asked him if he wanted out, if he was just done and wanted out. He answered he didn't think so. I then asked if he'd still be with me if he'd stayed in MA, and he said yes. I asked if he took away the distance, if the distance wasn't permanent, and at some point, in the future, there was a relocation, if that would change things, and he said he didn't know. He just kept saying that distance was bad and he didn't like it and he didn't know what he wanted or wanted to do. I was upset the entire day and frustrated he couldn't give me an answer.

At the airport syaing goodbye I told him I was scared I wouldn't see him again and that I wanted to see him again. I asked if he wanted to see me and he answered "I think so" I got on the plane and cried all the way home.

I phoned Monday night to tell him I got in ok, and we chatted for a few, but not about anything serious. Tuesday he emailed me, a normal, quick email and I replied, normally. Last night, after talking with a friend about how upset I was, I called, just to chat but he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message, just a missed call from my number. Today, no email.

I feel miserable. I don't know if he is just confused and scared, or if he is trying to let this die out, but can't verbalize it. I know that it's not healthy now, but I don;t know what I want or need. What would be best. I am so afraid to lose him, to have this be over. It's so sad to end something because of distance. It doesn't make getting over it easier - there's no one or nothing to get angry at or to help get you over it. I can;t imagine breaking up with him, but I don't know if I can keep up this limbo. I don't knopw if he needs some time and space or if he's already checked out.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:01pm
Hey there,

Long distance relationships are very hard, as you're finding out. I can't imagine not being with my H on a daily bases. How can a relationship contiue when you're not together? Temporary separation is one ting, indefinite separation is another. I think a year is long enough to know if you want to continue a serious relationship with someone. My suggestion is to take your relationship to the next level, ie get married, commit and move to be his wife or let the relationship go. Your BF may just be using common sense here, knowing that continuing the relationship requires more commitment, ie you moving to be with him, which is a HUGE decision for your life, as well as his, and he doesn't see the point of continuing the relationship otherwise. I may be way off base here, but those are my thoughts. I wouldn't go for a long distance relationship...what's the point?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:31pm
ea12345...

Pianoguy thinks your 'romantic involvement' together will boil down to one of 2 choices:

1. Relocating to North Carolina to either marry or live with your b/f.

2. Accept the fact that the distance between you is TOO MUCH for HIM to handle!

Problem is...do you want to relocate to a different state in exchange for a 'possible happy ending' for the 2 of you? I say POSSIBLE because there ARE NO GUARANTEES with anything.

Except for death and taxes, of course!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:18pm
This relationship is clearly at an impasse and a desicion has to be made. Unfortunately it is out of your control and that is why the fear is so intimidating however...

if you think you are strong enough....here is what I would do...

I would call him or better yet e-mail him a letter that goes something like this...

I have after careful consideration and a lot of thought as a result of our conversations re: our relationship gathered that you are not as in love with me as I once thought you were. We have known each other a year and I think it is fair to assume you know who I am and what it would be like to know you will never see me again or share an intimate moment with me. If you can live with that then I guess it is time for me to let go and let fate take it's course. Before our last visit I had a whole different idea of where our relationship would go but it seems we just are not on the same page. I agree a long distance affair is tough but I have hung in there because the alternative just hurts too much. We could lessen the distance between us physically but we both know that would mean a deeper committment and that is whole other conversation. So I am letting go ...I love you very much but I refuse to become the whiny, begging spurned partner in this relationship. I will move on and I will lose myself in other dreams I had put aside...I will miss you like crazy but I truly believe the old adage that "if you let something go and it doesn't return then it was never really yours to begin with." Thankyou for being a wonderful force in my life, you truly mde a difference. I will bless your path where ever it may lead you. I will look on this as a marvelous opportunity to grow a little and learn a lot....Good Luck and I wish you nothing but peace.

If he truly loves you he will know that he is the loser here and he will respond...

With a letter like this one, you put the ball in his court. You will appear to be very emotionally secure. Although you run the risk of truly letting go,(which may be inevitable anyway) when he realizes it is YOU who is shifting gears and making this decision and not him... he may come around. If he doesn't respond then so be it...He wasn't really yours...and you will move on and you will find another incredible person to love and love you back and you will be so grateful that this all happened...trust me...It is hard right now but for whatever reason this man came into your life, if your karmic paths have come to a crossroads nothing in this parenthesis in eternity that we call our lives will keep you from going in your right direction. Everything unfolds according to divine order and the only price of success is faith. Let go and trust that something bigger, better and even more beautiful is about to enter your space.....