Listen to the head or heart?
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Listen to the head or heart?
| Fri, 08-22-2008 - 1:07am |
About a month ago, my fiancee suddenly broke things off with me. Told me it was because he was tired of being disappointed in me (the day before his mother flew in to town, I didn't clean up the house. We argued about it, and I ended up doing it because I should have done it to help him out).He also mentioned it was because I didn't want to get to know his family. I am not a very sociable person in an uncomfortable situation, and we all know what it is like to meet your SO family...a little intimidating, right? So, after I read the EMAIL he sent me, breaking up with me in it...I packed up my things and moved out of our apartment the next day.
The following day I get another EMAIL from him detailing his reasons why it happened and why he wanted to start from the beginning. So fine, I agreed to meet with him the next night for drinks, and hash things out. It started out as a very angry conversation, because, of course...my heart was broken. But in the end, we agreed to make things work.
The following week we went out a couple of times...but it felt like there was some awkwardness between us (he says he didn't notice it). That weekend, I had made plans to go out with some friends and invited him to go along, and he said sure. That day, he tried to bail on me 3 separate times and when I finally said that was fine if he didn't want to go, but I was still going...he changed his tune. He ended up going out with us, but said maybe 3 sentences the entire time. Ugh.
His uncle suddenly passed away that week, and I kept trying to be there for him, show him support...but he didn't want me there. One minute it was, come over...the next...no. Come to the viewing...don't come. Totally back and forth and I couldn't handle all of that after what I went through the previous week (my dr. put me on anti-anxiety meds b/c of this crap). So after the family leaves and things settle down, he wants us to go out and do all of this stuff. Which is fine. He moved into his own place, which I've stayed there once. It's kind of hard for me to go there, we had lived together for two years prior to this and I am now living at home with my parents. He says he wants this time to figure himself out and for us to go out and have fun and take time. We moved too fast, which I agree with (we met, dated for a month and moved to another state together...then moved to another state 8 months later, and finally back home), we were engaged for 7 months and he says I pushed him into it. Which, I made it known I wanted to get married but I never made it seem that I would leave him. He on the other hand, pressured me about wanting kids (I never gave in...thank GOD).
I just have this sneaking suspicion that his family somehow talked him into this. His younger sister was engaged to this GREAT guy, and broke it off. I don't know the details, but they are still together. It all happened after his family came to visit and the email totally blind sided me. I talked to his Dad and step mom, they wondered the same thing.
I just honestly, don't know how to handle this. I want to be with him and I love him so much...but I am finding more and more it is getting harder for me to be where we are now, when for so long we had our lives together. Most people tell me I need to get away from him and just move on. Easier said than done. I love him, hell, I was going to marry this guy!
He has hurt me, a lot, and I constantly struggle if this is what a really want. I have really good days with this situation and really bad days. He gets upset with me dwelling on what has happened (but what does he expect?!), and gets frustrated with me. But I can't help it. I am trying to concentrate on the day-by-day...but I am more of use today to plan for the future type person. His uncle once asked him why he always moves backwards in life, and never forwards. He got mad at his uncle and that was the last conversation they ever had. Him breaking off our engagement and trying to start over may be fine for him, but I have a hard time with it. I have gone out with my friends (who have been supportive of me...not agreeable to me dating him again, but love me still!), spent time with my family (yet again, don't agree with me dating him, but love me still and listen to me.), I even joined a gym and am trying to go back to school. In a sense, I am getting my life back to where it was before I left here.
In my heart, I want this to work...but I get all panicky when I think of my future. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if I should stay and work at this, or just cut my ties. My head is telling me run as far and as fast as I can. I'm so confused. He tells me to hang out at my parents for 6 more months, save up and pay bills so we can buy a house, and he wants us to start trying to have kids by next summer. He has his moments when he tells me he loves me, or misses me, or is glad we are trying to do things right...and that's fine. But he has his moments where he's a real BUTT (like expecting me to drive over to his place every time we go do something, and it's money to get across to the other side of the bridge where he lives!).
I just don't know where to go from here...until now, I have listened to my heart and it has led me here. I don't regret where I have been or what I have done, I just don't know which way to turn now.
The following day I get another EMAIL from him detailing his reasons why it happened and why he wanted to start from the beginning. So fine, I agreed to meet with him the next night for drinks, and hash things out. It started out as a very angry conversation, because, of course...my heart was broken. But in the end, we agreed to make things work.
The following week we went out a couple of times...but it felt like there was some awkwardness between us (he says he didn't notice it). That weekend, I had made plans to go out with some friends and invited him to go along, and he said sure. That day, he tried to bail on me 3 separate times and when I finally said that was fine if he didn't want to go, but I was still going...he changed his tune. He ended up going out with us, but said maybe 3 sentences the entire time. Ugh.
His uncle suddenly passed away that week, and I kept trying to be there for him, show him support...but he didn't want me there. One minute it was, come over...the next...no. Come to the viewing...don't come. Totally back and forth and I couldn't handle all of that after what I went through the previous week (my dr. put me on anti-anxiety meds b/c of this crap). So after the family leaves and things settle down, he wants us to go out and do all of this stuff. Which is fine. He moved into his own place, which I've stayed there once. It's kind of hard for me to go there, we had lived together for two years prior to this and I am now living at home with my parents. He says he wants this time to figure himself out and for us to go out and have fun and take time. We moved too fast, which I agree with (we met, dated for a month and moved to another state together...then moved to another state 8 months later, and finally back home), we were engaged for 7 months and he says I pushed him into it. Which, I made it known I wanted to get married but I never made it seem that I would leave him. He on the other hand, pressured me about wanting kids (I never gave in...thank GOD).
I just have this sneaking suspicion that his family somehow talked him into this. His younger sister was engaged to this GREAT guy, and broke it off. I don't know the details, but they are still together. It all happened after his family came to visit and the email totally blind sided me. I talked to his Dad and step mom, they wondered the same thing.
I just honestly, don't know how to handle this. I want to be with him and I love him so much...but I am finding more and more it is getting harder for me to be where we are now, when for so long we had our lives together. Most people tell me I need to get away from him and just move on. Easier said than done. I love him, hell, I was going to marry this guy!
He has hurt me, a lot, and I constantly struggle if this is what a really want. I have really good days with this situation and really bad days. He gets upset with me dwelling on what has happened (but what does he expect?!), and gets frustrated with me. But I can't help it. I am trying to concentrate on the day-by-day...but I am more of use today to plan for the future type person. His uncle once asked him why he always moves backwards in life, and never forwards. He got mad at his uncle and that was the last conversation they ever had. Him breaking off our engagement and trying to start over may be fine for him, but I have a hard time with it. I have gone out with my friends (who have been supportive of me...not agreeable to me dating him again, but love me still!), spent time with my family (yet again, don't agree with me dating him, but love me still and listen to me.), I even joined a gym and am trying to go back to school. In a sense, I am getting my life back to where it was before I left here.
In my heart, I want this to work...but I get all panicky when I think of my future. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if I should stay and work at this, or just cut my ties. My head is telling me run as far and as fast as I can. I'm so confused. He tells me to hang out at my parents for 6 more months, save up and pay bills so we can buy a house, and he wants us to start trying to have kids by next summer. He has his moments when he tells me he loves me, or misses me, or is glad we are trying to do things right...and that's fine. But he has his moments where he's a real BUTT (like expecting me to drive over to his place every time we go do something, and it's money to get across to the other side of the bridge where he lives!).
I just don't know where to go from here...until now, I have listened to my heart and it has led me here. I don't regret where I have been or what I have done, I just don't know which way to turn now.

There are a lot of red flags here -- most important the fact that your friends are telling you to get away from him.
Welcome to the board blueydgrl27,
Consider reading this book: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis - it may help you.