A little feedback, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
A little feedback, please
3
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:53pm
I have a fiance that I'm not sure I want to marry anymore. He has started controlling more and more of my life, and I feel a little lost. It started with the whole isolating me from my friends thing. You ladies all know about that, I daresay. But in the beginning, that's okay! All I wanted to do was hang out with him anyway. But the longer the relationship progressed, I found myself wanting to see my friends. He absolutely refuses to let me go out for drinks with my friends. (Not that I have many left.) I know what you're thinking. 'You don't have to go out for drinks, a potentially volatile situation.' Well, how about a lunch date with a friend during the workweek? That wasn't acceptable either. I got frustrated. By the time I got him to give the thumbs-up on hanging out with my friends, I was embarrased to call them because it had been so long. That's not all, folks. When we first got together, I needed him to help me deal with my ex. We have a son together, so it's not a clean (or friendly) break. My ex was a real harrasment to me. So he helped me by mediating. It was all good until HE decided that I wasn't allowed to talk to me ex at all. Now I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do. The thing is: I know he has potential. I'm just having trouble dealing with tis control freak aspect of his personality. I feel VERY stressed, and I don't really have anyone to talk to. So I post a message and see what I get. Any thoughts are appreciated
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:10pm
Wow....I dated a guy like that for about 5 years. All I have to say is that, in my case, it only got worse (if you're not married yet, imagine what your life will be like after he "hooks" you) and that it was a way to overcompensate for his guilt about what HE was really doing on the side. At this point, my best advice to you is to tell him that this issue is making you completely rethink your marriage plans. If he blows up, let him. He will eventually have to give credit to how you feel and accept that this is a problem that needs to be solved for a healthy relationship to grow. If he does this, work with the man. Maybe he's really insecure about your activites, and he doesn't realize what a pain he's being. However, most men like this are calculating and care more about themselves than they do you....After all, who is he making happy through his actions? He's happy at the expense of your former life. If that's not something to make you rethink marriage, I don't know what is.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 7:57am
My advice is GROW. A. BACKBONE. and then maybe you won't attract guys with dysfunctional personalities. Iri
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 8:23am
hi ya, your boyfriend sounds like my friends partner... very helpful in gaining your trust and then slowly has you rely on him for everything including HIM being your best friend. Some men are like that its an insecurity that they have in themselves and so they feel putting us down or keeping us indoors that they have the upper hand.

I guess you have to decide what you want from your life and if this is something you can just sit down with him and explain. I guess telling him that you had a bad relationship before with your ex and he is wonderful... but that you just need time outside the house and without your child with your friends to let your hair down even if its only once every two weeks for a coffee or shopping that you need that time for YOU.

Trust me you DO need that time alone. I was living with my boyfriend and was letting friends and family slide to one side and then on breaking up with him ( he broke it off wiht me) then like I realised how ALONE I really was and had to get friends and family back...well spending time with them. I done it and then I actually got back with my ex and on that I HAVENT given up going out with my friends too....so that I have both. I think at times he is VERY jealous of me being popular, but I just say know that thats HIs problem and something he has to learn to deal with as I am not changing back to MISS door mat no more.

I hope my advise helps

please let me know how you get on

regards

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:11pm

hi and hugs - i think you just don't get it - this is not a