Little girl involved...helped??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Little girl involved...helped??
2
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:24am
2:13 am



Hi Everyone!! I really need some advice very quickly. I have made such a mess of things. I will do my best not to make this longer than it has too!! Here it goes!!

I broke up with my bf of 2 1/2 yrs 5 months ago. I still love him a lot but don't care to spend anymore time with him. So, I moved back to my home town only to find myself in another relationship 1 month after breaking up with the only man I wanted to spend my whole life with. This new guy is everything I have ever wanted. He shares his things, wants to get married and wants more kids. Right now he has full custody of his little girl. She is so much fun to be with. I love her more than anything.

So, as soon as I jumped into this relationship I thought he is everything I wanted and after getting hurt by the last guy really bad I didn't think I could go wrong with him. Well, I did. I don't love him and we moved in together last month and we can only afford this place together. We also signed a 1yr lease. When I broke up with my first love I was pretty much homeless for 4 months and being lost and everything with my first love I thought I loved this new guy I'm with. But since I had so much going on and my heart was broken and he was the first person to really care I needed a shoulder to lean on. Because he was there for me and I had told him I was not ready for sex all we did was talk and laugh but when our relationship got deeper I didn't feel anything when we did. I KNOW THE LONGER I STAY THE HARDER IS WILL BE FOR THEM AND MYSELF.

This guy I'm with now loves me more than anything in this world. SO does his 3 yr old daughter. I care very much for both of them and have stayed in this relationship for the past 3 months just so I don't walk out like his wife/mother did. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt them. I know it's not healthy dragging them on so I thought I would stick with it and not be happy just so I knew they are both ok. Problem is, I'm not wanting to get out of bed I miss me and I'm only 22yrs old and want a life for myself too!! If I left I worry how he would take care of his daughter. When I leave for just a few hours he feeds her candy, chips, juice and calls that dinner. Does not make her brush her teeth and they sit and watch T.V all day when he's off of work and ignores her when he's watching T.V at the sametime. He loves his daughter very much and the mother is to crazy/left to have her. My Bf mother never took care of him and does not know what it's like coming from a healthy family. He see's no wrong in what he does. He gives her plenty of attention and brushes her hair and they play together. He's not a terrible dad just a terrible MOM. Most dads like to have fun with there kids and not have to yell or be the bad guy but he needs to do both. His daughter is everything to him. He crys at night now since his ex called and says she wants her back. This is just a rough situation and don't want to leave him whens hes going through that either.

The other problem I have is other than not loving my bf,I can't see myself without them in my life either. I couldn't picture not falling alseep next to him or waking up to his daughter giving me kiss's and saying she loves me. Even with still wanting to wakeup next to him having sex with him is good but not meaningful. Our conversation run drys too. Just sitting right now I'm crying my eyes out.... Nothing makes sense. If I can't picture my life without him than I must love him right???

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. I NEED ADVICE AND IF ANYTHING JUST SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

thank you all in advance,

COnfused



P.S WHEN I BRING SOME OF MY FEELINGS UP ABOUT HOW I DON'T KNOW IF I LOVE HIM HE JUST TELLS ME I'M HURT BY THE LAST GUY AND I DON'T MEAN THAT. AS HE TELLS ME THAT YOU CAN HEAR HIS VOICE SHAKING..PRAYING I'M NOT GOING TO HURT HIM.:( PLEASE HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:52pm

wow. it sounds like you let "things" just "happen" to you - instead of taking control of your life. and now - not only have you gotten yourself invovled with a guy - but you allowed a little girl to fall in love and need you. that is really not fair to all involved. I know you know that, i am just thinking that its time for you to change your thought process and start being pro active instead of passive.


first - you never stay in a relationship "for the kids". and while this guy will not win any 'father of the year' awards, he doesn't sound like an abusive man. so whatever junk his dd was eating before you moved in a month ago, she will continue to eat. as much as you may care about her - its really NOT your responsibility. (other than possibly alerting a responsible adult in her life to this.)


(and just a thought: this guy IS a terrible father. he is not a mother, so he can't be acused of being a terrible mother, but he is DEFINATELY a terrible father. good parents - of either sex - learn how to set boundaries, have schedules in place, and do what is best for their child even when the child doesn't like it. that includes feeding them healthy food on a normal schedule and making them brush their teeth. )


now, the problem here is NOT this guy or the other guy - the problem is that you sound depressed and you don't seem to know what YOU want in life. it also sounds like you have never supported yourself, rather you seem to drift from one guy/situation to the next. its not UNCOMMON- but its also not healthy. IMHO - you need to be ON YOUR OWN and to be self supportive. if that means working 3 jobs - then thats what it means. right now you don't have little kids of your own who need you - you CAN put in the hours - so do it. be on your own, rent an apartment (with roommates if you need to, but NOT with a former/current bf as a roommate), pay bills, go to school, develop a career, make new friends. in short - begin to live YOUR life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:48pm
Sounds like you don't have much respect for this guy, a guy that loves his daughter, but doesn't set boundaries, would rather watch tv and ignore her, but wants you around.... hhmmm as a mother to his child.

When your feelings matter more to you than his, you will take the necessary action to end this relationship. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie