A Little R-E-S-P-E-C-T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
A Little R-E-S-P-E-C-T
9
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:56pm
Greetings All,

I'm new to ivillage and this is my very first post! Read what some of you guys had to say in other discussions and I have faith that someone will be able to enlighten me.

My husband and I had an argument this morning before he left for work. We've been married for almost 7 years and the relationship is not where I would like it to be. I don't wanna take up a lot a space complaining about what I think is wrong. Actually, I only want some feedback at this time on an incident that occurred this morning.

Initially everything was fine this morning..... He was fixin' a bowl a cereal at the counter and I was standing in the kitchen doorway that leads to the family room. I was telling him how much better I felt compared to yesterday. I felt very sad the previous day because a dear cousin had passed away. Anyway I told him I felt better today because I felt my cousin is truly peaceful now. While I'm talking he walks towards me to leave out of the kitchen and go into the family room. Our house is very old and has these really tiny doorways. He continues to come towards me to get through. I had to turn sideways to let him by. Maybe I'm wrong and I will accept that I am, but can't he say excuse me "dear" or pardon me "sweetheart"? He just bogarts and I have to turn sideways. So I confronted him. Man! That was the beginning of a horrible argument! He says why are you bothering me on this?! I said it's just a matter of respect. 'Say excuse me....I bet you don't treat your co-workers like that!' He replied, "Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't." Anyway, he never said excuse me, nor pardon me. He got very upset. He began to ignore me and refused to answer any questions. When I asked him why he's getting so upset when I asked for respect, he wouldn't answer.

Please, I welcome your feedback on this. I'm not upset now, but this is an ongoing little communication problem. Thanks in advance for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:12pm
well i see you are very upset, but you will have to give more information.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:35pm
Thanks for your response sk1960. Honestly I don't feel upset anymore. I sat down after the argument and I meditated, prayed then called my Mother. She agreed that he could have said excuse me. But my Mother's opinion of course will always be biased, that's why I came in here to discuss this.

Yes, there are tons of things going on in my marriage that I'm not happy with.... I think I hinted to that in my original message. However at this point I'm not ready to discuss other areas. I just wanted to see if others think it's asking too much for a family member to say excuse me or pardon me when they need for you to move. Seems to me people treat strangers and coworkers nicer than they may treat family members.

By the way we don't have children. And it' highly possible that I overreacted because I'm really unhappy with him for other reasons..... but can someone tell me what their husband does when he needs for them to move out of the way? Is common courtesy not a part of marriage or is just reserved for people you barely know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:03pm
I don't think that you have a "little" communication problem. I think you have a big one. Those small doorways didn't suddenly appear in your home, and I think that your DH thought that you were picking a fight when you complained about his lack of manners. I don't think you were upset about his failure to say "excuse me" when he squeezed past you. You were talking to him about your feelings over the death of your cousin right before this incident occurred. I don't think it was respect you were asking from him. I think you were upset that he failed to reach out to you with the hug and words of comfort that you were really seeking.

Better communication starts with you, and what you express to him. Be more direct about your needs. Ask for a hug when you need one, tell him what's REALLY bothering you, ask for his opinion, or his help, or any particular response depending on the situation. Don't make him guess or read your mind. Some things may seem obvious to you and you may think that he should "just know" what you want from him, but even you didn't realize what caused this particular communication breakdown when the cause seems obvious to me (and I don't even know either of you). I hope this helps and I'm sorry for your grief (hugs).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:19pm
I think you needed to be way more specific and less confrontational and not escalate it the way you did. If you feel that generally you are disrespected, then you deal with the specific issue calmly and state that you want to sit down and discuss your general issues with his treatment of you - and do that after you've cooled down and when it is a mutually convenient time. I bet you wouldn't talk to a co-worker the way you reacted to his failure to say excuse me. Think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:23pm
Charite_99, I think you're on to something here. I agree that I probably needed a hug. My cousin's death was unexpected and has been heartbreaking. So, I have to admit I am a little sensitive right now. But, (sorry for the but) my husband and I have had this discussion before about him not saying excuse me when trying to get passed me in that doorway. On the other occasions he apologized and said he didn't mean to be rude.

Oh well, I came in here to get feedback and so far two people have said, YES, requiring a pardon me from my husband is overreacting. OK let me check myself and back down a little. Things are already bad with my husband and myself without me fanning the flames.

Thanks for your feedback Charite_99. You're right! I need to initiate better communication skills on my end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:53pm
"....I bet you wouldn't talk to a co-worker the way you reacted to his failure to say excuse me."

Deena, I probably wouldn't confront a co-worker. I'm too passive at work. But I would not take it lightly. I would definitely see someone pushing pass me in a small space without saying pardon me as aggressive rude behavior.

When I confronted my husband I was calm. I didn't get upset until he refused to say pardon me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 6:07pm
This is just my opinion, but I think it's pointless to deal with the tip of the iceberg if you are going to ignore the rest or openly admit that you don't want to deal with it. What happened during this fight has nothing to do with what your real problems are, and I don't know how you expect to ever keep the peace if there is a 10,000 pound elephant filling up the room. If your marriage is as bad as you say it is, you might want to deal with the real issues instead of the little after effects. Maybe your husband does feel the need to disrespect you, but then again, if you aren't going to deal with any of that at the core, you'd be better off to just accept it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 7:20pm
YOU SAID: ".....think it's pointless to deal with the tip of the iceberg if you are going to ignore the rest or openly admit that you don't want to deal with it."

Hmmmm..... Did I openly admit that I didn't want to deal with it? I think if you go back and read my two post I said I didn't want to discuss it here in this forum. Today was my first day to post in here. I wanted to take it slow..... try to get to know folks and see what kinda responses I would get before sharing all of my warts. OUCH!!!! I think I will stick to my plan of not telling all of my business. I think some of the responses have been harsh. I never openly admitted that I don't want to deal with the other problems. I'm just not ready to discuss them - which is different than I don't want to deal with them.

The common thread with all the responses is that I wasn't upset with him for not saying excuse me, but more likely responding to other things going on with us. This is probably true. So I did gain something from coming here to talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:38pm
I'm sorry but I assumed you were saying you didn't want to deal with the other problems.