A Little R-E-S-P-E-C-T
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| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:56pm |
I'm new to ivillage and this is my very first post! Read what some of you guys had to say in other discussions and I have faith that someone will be able to enlighten me.
My husband and I had an argument this morning before he left for work. We've been married for almost 7 years and the relationship is not where I would like it to be. I don't wanna take up a lot a space complaining about what I think is wrong. Actually, I only want some feedback at this time on an incident that occurred this morning.
Initially everything was fine this morning..... He was fixin' a bowl a cereal at the counter and I was standing in the kitchen doorway that leads to the family room. I was telling him how much better I felt compared to yesterday. I felt very sad the previous day because a dear cousin had passed away. Anyway I told him I felt better today because I felt my cousin is truly peaceful now. While I'm talking he walks towards me to leave out of the kitchen and go into the family room. Our house is very old and has these really tiny doorways. He continues to come towards me to get through. I had to turn sideways to let him by. Maybe I'm wrong and I will accept that I am, but can't he say excuse me "dear" or pardon me "sweetheart"? He just bogarts and I have to turn sideways. So I confronted him. Man! That was the beginning of a horrible argument! He says why are you bothering me on this?! I said it's just a matter of respect. 'Say excuse me....I bet you don't treat your co-workers like that!' He replied, "Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't." Anyway, he never said excuse me, nor pardon me. He got very upset. He began to ignore me and refused to answer any questions. When I asked him why he's getting so upset when I asked for respect, he wouldn't answer.
Please, I welcome your feedback on this. I'm not upset now, but this is an ongoing little communication problem. Thanks in advance for your response.

Yes, there are tons of things going on in my marriage that I'm not happy with.... I think I hinted to that in my original message. However at this point I'm not ready to discuss other areas. I just wanted to see if others think it's asking too much for a family member to say excuse me or pardon me when they need for you to move. Seems to me people treat strangers and coworkers nicer than they may treat family members.
By the way we don't have children. And it' highly possible that I overreacted because I'm really unhappy with him for other reasons..... but can someone tell me what their husband does when he needs for them to move out of the way? Is common courtesy not a part of marriage or is just reserved for people you barely know?
Better communication starts with you, and what you express to him. Be more direct about your needs. Ask for a hug when you need one, tell him what's REALLY bothering you, ask for his opinion, or his help, or any particular response depending on the situation. Don't make him guess or read your mind. Some things may seem obvious to you and you may think that he should "just know" what you want from him, but even you didn't realize what caused this particular communication breakdown when the cause seems obvious to me (and I don't even know either of you). I hope this helps and I'm sorry for your grief (hugs).
Oh well, I came in here to get feedback and so far two people have said, YES, requiring a pardon me from my husband is overreacting. OK let me check myself and back down a little. Things are already bad with my husband and myself without me fanning the flames.
Thanks for your feedback Charite_99. You're right! I need to initiate better communication skills on my end.
Deena, I probably wouldn't confront a co-worker. I'm too passive at work. But I would not take it lightly. I would definitely see someone pushing pass me in a small space without saying pardon me as aggressive rude behavior.
When I confronted my husband I was calm. I didn't get upset until he refused to say pardon me.
Hmmmm..... Did I openly admit that I didn't want to deal with it? I think if you go back and read my two post I said I didn't want to discuss it here in this forum. Today was my first day to post in here. I wanted to take it slow..... try to get to know folks and see what kinda responses I would get before sharing all of my warts. OUCH!!!! I think I will stick to my plan of not telling all of my business. I think some of the responses have been harsh. I never openly admitted that I don't want to deal with the other problems. I'm just not ready to discuss them - which is different than I don't want to deal with them.
The common thread with all the responses is that I wasn't upset with him for not saying excuse me, but more likely responding to other things going on with us. This is probably true. So I did gain something from coming here to talk.