living with criticism

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
living with criticism
1
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:52am
My husband and I have been married 16 years; we have 3 daughters, and we are the perfect example of "opposites attract". He's an engineer and I am truly a free spirit. Although we are compatible for the most part, he is a bit insecure and this, I believe, makes him critical and somewhat controlling. He is kind and caring, but in the past has not realized what the criticism does to me. I suppose I am a pleaser to some extent, and I want him to be happy so I try my best to do things that he would approve of, but this makes me nervous. I'm always second guessing myself. I don't relax when he's around, really, I'm always wondering, am I doing or saying it right? This is partly my fault for not speaking my mind about it, but I figured he wouldn't get it. He's an engineer, remember.

I don't want you to think he's some kind of bully, he's not, and he would never want to make me unhappy, but his ideas about how things "should" be keep me on edge all the time.

He recently got a new job, and he doesn't like his new boss. Miraculously, he's put 2 and 2 together and realized that he's being treated the same way that he treats me. It's made him feel what I've been feeling all these years, that he just doesn't measure up, even though he knows better. I'm sorry for him because he's not happy with the job, but I'm glad for myself and for us because it looks like a door has been opened, the fog has lifted and he will understand more how he needs to act towards someone who's different from himself...me, his wife.

I'm wondering, how can I make the most of his revelation, and really make it stick? I don't want to be nervous anymore. I want to relax and be myself without fear of criticism. I feel that an important first step has been reached, and I don't want it to stop there. He knows now, and he wants to make it right. How do I continue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 1:25pm
Let him know how much you love him. Now that he is in the know of how he has treated you and how you feel about it, use that to your advantage. Communicate with him without pointing the finger and maybe you can give him some tips on how to deal with his boss as you have found ways to deal with him. Listening and empathizing go a long way.