Living together to marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Living together to marriage
5
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 8:27pm
I have been with my live in boyfriend for almost two and a half years. When he moved in over a year ago I told him that after a year of living together I expect us to make a decision about pursuing marriage and that if we decided not to go down that road then he would have to move out of my house. When the year was up I started talking about marriage a lot. I knew that I wanted to be with him. He gave me many reasons why he didn't want to get married (one being that he wasn't sure about me) and he wasn't sure when he would know if he wanted to but to please give him time. I decided to give him 3 months to think on it without any talk from me about it. During this time marriage was not brought up once. In July I went to Italy for a month with friends. I decided that when I got back that I would ask him to move out but that I still wanted to continue dating. A week after I got home I had the talk with my boyfriend. His reply was that he was going to ask me to marry him soon if I could have only waited. Now he is very angry with me for asking him to move out. I still feel like we should not live together right now. I question his reasons for telling me now that he wants to get married, even though I know that he loves me. We have both been divorced before, so I want to make absolutely sure that his desire to get married is real and not based on the inconvience of having to move out (he is financialy strapped so it is difficult for him to find a place to live.) I think that I also need some time to think. Am I being unfair? Is there a better approach to this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 9:22pm
That's a tough one. You know what you want and he hasn't been sure.

::I think that I also need some time to think. Am I being unfair? Is there a better approach to this?

Ask yourself this, are you were you want to be (with him) with or without marriage? Do you feel this is where you are suppose to be in this moment?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:23am
No, you are not being unfair. You laid it all out before he moved in. Things seem pretty clear to me - stick to your guns.

I had a similar experience. After living with SO's, I decided I would not do the live-in thing again, unless we were going to get married. I let my SO move in with me when he decided to go back to school to make a better life for us (he lives in the next city south, the university is very close by me in my city). It made sense, after all, he was doing it for us.

Four years pass, he gets his engineering degree in June 2003, but he is still unemployed (the economy is really bad here at the moment). I give it one year. When June 2004 rolled around, I told him he had to move out. Now he lives with his mom. In a way, we are both relieved a bit, as I don't have to swallow my resentment daily about being the main financial support (I'll bet you feel like that right now, eh?), and he doesn't have to feel "supported" by me.

Anyhow, ask yourself - do you really want to marry a guy that is financially strapped? Do you really want to marry a guy because you've talked him into it? It is disappointing, but it kind of sounds like he's using you a bit. I think by having him move out (and NO "staying over" so much he might as well have never left), things will be much clearer for you.

I think you know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 11:29am
It sounds like your trip to Italy gave you some time to think about things. That's good. You did the right thing with approaching him. Don't regret anything. So often couples become engaged and move into together. Then, the wedding gets put off, and actually never happens. I was afraid of that for myself. July of 03, my then boyfriend and I decided we wanted to get married in May 04. We had been together for almost 3 years at that point. He lived with his parents. I had my own place with my 2 children. I didn't really plan on living together until the marriage, just so we didn't fall into the trap that so many other couples did. By Sept., he began staying with me full time. I loved it so much, so I went with it. But, I did say that if for any reason, we did not marry in May, as planned, then he was to move out. I didn't want to be stuck in a relationship that wasn't moving forward. We married, as planned. Very happy. But, hadn't we married, I would have told him to move out. Just as you have. A second marriage is a big decision. I was married before. I didn't want to marry again, unless there were no doubts. Don't settle. You call the shots here. It's your home, you can do that! And, don't be taken advantage of. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:17pm
I think your approach is EXACTLY correct.

MB

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:23pm
I am worried about the man being financially strapped. I understand financial hardship, but unless something specific has happened recently, such as a lay off or medical leave, then I think that adults should at least have the means to support themselves if need be. I would definitely be concerned that the man is just telling you what you want to hear so that he can have a place to live. Also, I would be concerned about commiting to a person who couldn't support himself - how is he going to contribute his share to the household?