lonely with depressed hubby
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| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:46am |
We've been married three years, and for the past several months my husband has been acting so different. He tends to have ups and downs, and I suspect he suffers from depression, so I try hard not to hold it against him or take it too personally, but honestly I feel lonely when I'm with him.
I want to be able to hang out and talk with him after we get back from work. He plants himself on the couch and watches TV for most of the evening. When we eat dinner, I try to talk to him and carry on a conversation, but he barely looks at me or gives more than one-word answers. I try to ask questions, to get him started talking and it pretty much flops. He goes off to watch TV, I go off to do my own thing, and later in the evening, wishing we'd spent some "quality time" together I join him at the TV, try to be affectionate by cuddling up with him, and he's so non-receptive. This is so different from his usual self-- in the past, I'd get started making dinner, he'd come over and give me a backrub, ask how he could help, we'd talk as we prepared the meal and as we ate. We'd cuddle on the sofa, rub each others' feet, etc.
I'm trying so hard to be caring. I try to treat him the way I wish he were treating me. I feel like he's completely bored with me, or like I'm a general annoyance to him. He spends a lot of time of the computer (and usually clears the history, which I find fishy) but recently he forgot to clear it, and I happened to see a recent google search "my wife annoys me"!! This, after he'd spent the day napping or watching TV, and I'd just spent time planning meals, buying groceries, etc with no complaint. I didn't ask him about his google search... figured I'd just end up annoying him again!! I know we need to talk about things, but I guess after having tried it before (he just shut down, acted as if I were crazy in observing that he was acting down/different) I don't know how to get the dialogue going, one-sided as it often is!
I feel like this all brings out a needy side in me-- but is it really "needy" when you simply want to feel loved and appreciated by your husband? If this stems from depression, I feel selfish for thinking about myself when he is battling something so difficult. Any suggestions? How to I encourage him to get help-- or how do I get the dialogue going in a non-threatening and caring way??

Welcome to the board gal_someone123,
I am sorry to hear you are having these problems with your husband. Since this behavior of his is new, there has to be something that caused the change. The key is to get him to open up about what this was. Since he hasn't responded to you trying to talk to him maybe it be best to write him a letter telling him you noticed the change and you are worried about him and the impact these is having on your marriage. Tell him you don't want to push him, but you want him to know you are there for him and you are willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy again. Ask him to talk to you about what is going on or at least write something back to you.
Good luck.
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to the board gal_someone123,
Here's some reading material to consider:
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed, Mitch Golant, Susan K. Golant
The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch