Lonely in my marriage...
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| Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:10pm |
Now, the difficult part... about 8 months ago I hired someone to do some work for my company and although we never met in person, we developed a great friendship via phone and email, etc. I had not given him a second thought since I have many male friends. Finally, we decided to meet for lunch and finally put the face with the voice. That day completely changed my world, for when he walked into the room, I felt like I had been hit with a lightening bolt. We took one look at each other and it was like our chemisty felt right. He proceeded to trip over his words, and I managed to trip walking out the door. It was like being back in High School again, I felt so foolish. Needless to say, lunch was a giggling, lovey dovey eye filled mess with both of us being ridiculously shy. It was a completely overwhelming experience. I went home that day wondering what happened and it's been two months since...we continue to chat on a regular basis and we still feel the same about each other. We still have a great friendship and have agreed to not take it further b/c of my marriage and the fact that I will not cheat on my husband. I am now even more unhappy than ever before in my marriage which is slowly going bad. I want to feel that love that I feel with this new man and it seems impossible at this point. We are going to a marriage counselor for the first time tomorrow b/c it's obvious I'm not fulfilled in my marriage. Although I've only seen the new man 5 times, I feel closer to him than to my husband who feels more like a roommate and business partner!
What do I do? Has anyone had this experience before? Any advice would help as I feel like I'm in my own hell...

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It seems like you have been unhappy way and were way before this other man came into the picture, but just because you hav'nt had sexual relations, doesnt mean that there is an emotional attachment there which can be just as damaging.
You need to work thru your feelings and decide where you need to be, which right now, may be with no one. You owe to yourself to be happy...
Im not doubting your attraction to this other man, but I think you are more interested in replacing what you have been lacking with your husband rather than actually have something solid with him..
If at all possible, maybe get away by your self for a weekend and go somewhere where you can think ans=d sort things out...Good luck
1. Are you still in love with him? There's a difference between saying you love someone and being in love with someone.
2. Have you truly talked to him about your changing needs? You mention you were both career-driven, but your vision has changed. You didn't mention that you've sat down and had a very serious discussion on how things have changed and you're no longer getting what you need. Who knows, perhaps he doesn't realize what he's missing, either. Hopefully counseling will help in this communication.
3. Realize that when things are dark, the slightest ray of sunshine can brighten the whole day. When you met this man you work with, it's very easy to think he's able to provide everything your husband can't. But the grass isn't always greener. While you've met with this man a few times, do you really know him? That initial butterfly-in-the-tummy effect doesn't last forever; it can resolve into stronger more solid feelings, but again may not.
I sincerely hope the counseling will allow you to open up the channels of communication that seem absent in this marriage. If he is good, kind-hearted and honest, your husband should be able to listen to what your saying and hopefully realize he's missing out, too.
If I were you, I'd hire a private investigator. Or if not that, just invest in a few cameras and put them in key locations. Maybe your friends or someone knows something. I'm pretty sure you won't have any guilt or confusion for long after you check it out. Hope it works out for you with the other guy.
Just got back from our first session of marriage counseling which basically consisted of me crying my eyes out and he looking like a "deer caught in headlights" which is exactly how the counselor described him as. He seems clueless that there are any problems at all in this marriage! Are all men that clueless?!
We continue next week and see how if progresses.
Thanks again!
I don't know if you're religious, but the Bible says couples aren't supposed to deny each other, except for a short time they agree upon and then come together again lest they enter into temptation. That's a tough one sometimes, no doubt. Still, two times a month just doesn't sound reasonable to me.
Maybe marriage counseling will help you, but it sounds like he's in a state of shock, "deer caught in the headlights". Is he always like that? It kind of sounds like business might be easier for him than people are. However, it's understandable that you would like to have children. If he does feel inadequate socially, maybe he can be helped to feel more comfortable. I hope things work out for the best for you!
i think some men are clueless, and sometimes us women don't know how to SAY what we feel. i am glad you are in counseling, that can be helpful.
I honestly think that the best thing for you to do is to first work on your marriage.
I am hoping to get some clarity as the counseling sessions progress. Thanks for the advice!
Thanks again!
First off, I do still love my husband but maybe I'm not in love anymore due to the changes we've gone through and his lack on emotion and affection towards me at times.
Secondly, I have sat him down on several occasions and been extremely honest on my feelings about the marriage and he looks at me with a complete look of shock everytime we discuss it (or I discuss it with him just staring at me open mouthed). That's why the marriage counseling now.
Thirdly, I have just about eliminated communication with the other guy so as to hopefully help in my situation and the fact that I need to focus on my marriage. I'll be honest, I hate doing it because the ego stroking and good feelings can be addicting, but I guess it's the only way I will ever know what I'm doing.
I'm doing my best and I hope that the marriage counseling will give me some clarity. Thanks for your advice!
You've said he's a kind, etc. man, but I wonder if he's that way when he doesn't get his way. I'm mostly suspicious because my SO's ex married him for his money, then proceeded to make his life miserable whenever she wanted something, whiney and demanding. However, she still wanted to stay married to him even though she was begging him for money and spending it on her boyfriends! I'd just hate to see you being taken advantage of that way. She wouldn't have sex with him either hardly.
I've seen a number of good people tricked into marrying really bad ones, and I don't think it's an accident that it happens that way a lot of times. You seem like a nice person. You thoughtfully and considerately answered everyone's posts. I don't really think you're attracted to just anyone. You said you have many male friends, but the one in particular caught your eye. I really don't advocate giving-up on a marriage, either, but I've become much, much more suspicious than I used to be. I just think that SOMETIMES being attracted to someone else, even when you're married, is self-preservation. If your husband is messing-around, he could be exposing you to STDs, even some forms of cancer, in my opinion. I just want you to watch-out for yourself. Best wishes.
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