Lonely in my marriage...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Lonely in my marriage...
11
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:10pm
I am so confused and unhappy right now. I've been with the same man for almost 8 years now, married for over 4 years. He's a good man, kind hearted and honest, but very involved in his career. Every day is about his job and his evenings and free time are usually spent either working or doing things related to his work, etc. What little time we do spend together is usually involving something to do with his work or with his co workers. Initially, we would mesh well, because I was very driven as well to succeed and we would talk shop all the time, but since the marriage began, I've grown to feel neglected and unattractive. During the first year of marriage, sex dwindled down to twice a month. He never seemed motivated to come on to me, and when I would make a move, he'd do it to please me, like he was just going through the motions. I would dress up pretty and he'd hardly notice. It always seems as if his mind is somewhere else and not in his marriage or on me. I feel so lonely and alone. When we go on vacation, he takes his cell phone and pager to check messages and check in! We moved to New York to chase our careers and now that I've gotten older, my priorities are changing. I'm wanting to start a family and he's still in this work all the time mode. That's the first part of my dillema.

Now, the difficult part... about 8 months ago I hired someone to do some work for my company and although we never met in person, we developed a great friendship via phone and email, etc. I had not given him a second thought since I have many male friends. Finally, we decided to meet for lunch and finally put the face with the voice. That day completely changed my world, for when he walked into the room, I felt like I had been hit with a lightening bolt. We took one look at each other and it was like our chemisty felt right. He proceeded to trip over his words, and I managed to trip walking out the door. It was like being back in High School again, I felt so foolish. Needless to say, lunch was a giggling, lovey dovey eye filled mess with both of us being ridiculously shy. It was a completely overwhelming experience. I went home that day wondering what happened and it's been two months since...we continue to chat on a regular basis and we still feel the same about each other. We still have a great friendship and have agreed to not take it further b/c of my marriage and the fact that I will not cheat on my husband. I am now even more unhappy than ever before in my marriage which is slowly going bad. I want to feel that love that I feel with this new man and it seems impossible at this point. We are going to a marriage counselor for the first time tomorrow b/c it's obvious I'm not fulfilled in my marriage. Although I've only seen the new man 5 times, I feel closer to him than to my husband who feels more like a roommate and business partner!

What do I do? Has anyone had this experience before? Any advice would help as I feel like I'm in my own hell...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:20am

It seems like you have been unhappy way and were way before this other man came into the picture, but just because you hav'nt had sexual relations, doesnt mean that there is an emotional attachment there which can be just as damaging.


You need to work thru your feelings and decide where you need to be, which right now, may be with no one. You owe to yourself to be happy...


Im not doubting your attraction to this other man, but I think you are more interested in replacing what you have been lacking with your husband rather than actually have something solid with him..


If at all possible, maybe get away by your self for a weekend and go somewhere where you can think ans=d sort things out...Good luck


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:02pm
I think you find yourself in a position many people have been in: a long-term relationship that has gone from hard-to-believe to hardly there. You seem to admire and respect your husband, but his involvement in his career has consumed both his live and yours. It's time you evaluate a few things:

1. Are you still in love with him? There's a difference between saying you love someone and being in love with someone.

2. Have you truly talked to him about your changing needs? You mention you were both career-driven, but your vision has changed. You didn't mention that you've sat down and had a very serious discussion on how things have changed and you're no longer getting what you need. Who knows, perhaps he doesn't realize what he's missing, either. Hopefully counseling will help in this communication.

3. Realize that when things are dark, the slightest ray of sunshine can brighten the whole day. When you met this man you work with, it's very easy to think he's able to provide everything your husband can't. But the grass isn't always greener. While you've met with this man a few times, do you really know him? That initial butterfly-in-the-tummy effect doesn't last forever; it can resolve into stronger more solid feelings, but again may not.

I sincerely hope the counseling will allow you to open up the channels of communication that seem absent in this marriage. If he is good, kind-hearted and honest, your husband should be able to listen to what your saying and hopefully realize he's missing out, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:53pm
I'm going to get right to the point. If he'll only have relations twice a month to "please" you, he's getting it somewhere else. That is unless he's got a sexual dysfunction or something. I don't buy this low libido stuff people try to tout. I've heard lots of people feign disinterest that were literal sex-aholics.

If I were you, I'd hire a private investigator. Or if not that, just invest in a few cameras and put them in key locations. Maybe your friends or someone knows something. I'm pretty sure you won't have any guilt or confusion for long after you check it out. Hope it works out for you with the other guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 6:31pm
Thanks for your input and believe me, when the sex dwindled, it was the first thing that popped into my head about him getting it elsewhere. He could be for all I know at this point!

Just got back from our first session of marriage counseling which basically consisted of me crying my eyes out and he looking like a "deer caught in headlights" which is exactly how the counselor described him as. He seems clueless that there are any problems at all in this marriage! Are all men that clueless?!

We continue next week and see how if progresses.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:31am
Hi! I think men are mostly only clueless when they want to be. It's good to see that he'll go to counseling with you, however. It's hard to give-up on a marriage even when it's bad. I know. I didn't even like the guy, but I'd given him that "I do". However, the fact of the matter is that if you're not getting some measure of satisfaction in your marriage, not just sexual, you're both likely to go looking for it elsewhere. He has to know that. So the question is, why is he treating what you have between you so carelessly?

I don't know if you're religious, but the Bible says couples aren't supposed to deny each other, except for a short time they agree upon and then come together again lest they enter into temptation. That's a tough one sometimes, no doubt. Still, two times a month just doesn't sound reasonable to me.

Maybe marriage counseling will help you, but it sounds like he's in a state of shock, "deer caught in the headlights". Is he always like that? It kind of sounds like business might be easier for him than people are. However, it's understandable that you would like to have children. If he does feel inadequate socially, maybe he can be helped to feel more comfortable. I hope things work out for the best for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:45pm

i think some men are clueless, and sometimes us women don't know how to SAY what we feel. i am glad you are in counseling, that can be helpful.


I honestly think that the best thing for you to do is to first work on your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 8:08pm
I feel good that we are in couseling at least so I can get some feedback from a third party on the situation and I agree that as painful as it is, contact with the other guy should be avoided as much as possible. I am doing that now. We barely have any contact at all, unless it's a business related question and thankfully, we don't live in the same state, so I'm very greatful for that!

I am hoping to get some clarity as the counseling sessions progress. Thanks for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 8:13pm
You hit on a very important point when you ask why my husband does not seem to take the issue so seriously and I am confused by that as well. He does seem careless as if he expects me to always be there and I'm not sure if he's just become complacent, or is alright with the idea of not being with me. I'm totally unsure at this point. I've suggested a separation, and he balks at the idea saying that he doesn't think we are at that point yet to consider one. Either way, I need to prepare myself I think to be on my own and with that goes all the business related things we deal with on a day to day basis. Like bills, rent, etc. I'm not looking forward to that if it comes down to it.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 8:19pm
I am evaluating everything like you say and I agree with you on many points.

First off, I do still love my husband but maybe I'm not in love anymore due to the changes we've gone through and his lack on emotion and affection towards me at times.

Secondly, I have sat him down on several occasions and been extremely honest on my feelings about the marriage and he looks at me with a complete look of shock everytime we discuss it (or I discuss it with him just staring at me open mouthed). That's why the marriage counseling now.

Thirdly, I have just about eliminated communication with the other guy so as to hopefully help in my situation and the fact that I need to focus on my marriage. I'll be honest, I hate doing it because the ego stroking and good feelings can be addicting, but I guess it's the only way I will ever know what I'm doing.

I'm doing my best and I hope that the marriage counseling will give me some clarity. Thanks for your advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 10:05am
Hi again. I hate to be a cynic, but I just can't help wondering why he wants to stay in the marriage if he wants essentially nothing to do with you on a personal level. You don't have to answer the following questions; they're just something for you to think about. Do you pay all or most of the bills, have a big inheritance coming or a work skill he needs? It sounds like he goes to counseling mainly to appease you, since he's not making any effort, apparently. The question is, why does he want to appease you?

You've said he's a kind, etc. man, but I wonder if he's that way when he doesn't get his way. I'm mostly suspicious because my SO's ex married him for his money, then proceeded to make his life miserable whenever she wanted something, whiney and demanding. However, she still wanted to stay married to him even though she was begging him for money and spending it on her boyfriends! I'd just hate to see you being taken advantage of that way. She wouldn't have sex with him either hardly.

I've seen a number of good people tricked into marrying really bad ones, and I don't think it's an accident that it happens that way a lot of times. You seem like a nice person. You thoughtfully and considerately answered everyone's posts. I don't really think you're attracted to just anyone. You said you have many male friends, but the one in particular caught your eye. I really don't advocate giving-up on a marriage, either, but I've become much, much more suspicious than I used to be. I just think that SOMETIMES being attracted to someone else, even when you're married, is self-preservation. If your husband is messing-around, he could be exposing you to STDs, even some forms of cancer, in my opinion. I just want you to watch-out for yourself. Best wishes.

Pages