Lonely in my marriage...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Lonely in my marriage...
11
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:10pm
I am so confused and unhappy right now. I've been with the same man for almost 8 years now, married for over 4 years. He's a good man, kind hearted and honest, but very involved in his career. Every day is about his job and his evenings and free time are usually spent either working or doing things related to his work, etc. What little time we do spend together is usually involving something to do with his work or with his co workers. Initially, we would mesh well, because I was very driven as well to succeed and we would talk shop all the time, but since the marriage began, I've grown to feel neglected and unattractive. During the first year of marriage, sex dwindled down to twice a month. He never seemed motivated to come on to me, and when I would make a move, he'd do it to please me, like he was just going through the motions. I would dress up pretty and he'd hardly notice. It always seems as if his mind is somewhere else and not in his marriage or on me. I feel so lonely and alone. When we go on vacation, he takes his cell phone and pager to check messages and check in! We moved to New York to chase our careers and now that I've gotten older, my priorities are changing. I'm wanting to start a family and he's still in this work all the time mode. That's the first part of my dillema.

Now, the difficult part... about 8 months ago I hired someone to do some work for my company and although we never met in person, we developed a great friendship via phone and email, etc. I had not given him a second thought since I have many male friends. Finally, we decided to meet for lunch and finally put the face with the voice. That day completely changed my world, for when he walked into the room, I felt like I had been hit with a lightening bolt. We took one look at each other and it was like our chemisty felt right. He proceeded to trip over his words, and I managed to trip walking out the door. It was like being back in High School again, I felt so foolish. Needless to say, lunch was a giggling, lovey dovey eye filled mess with both of us being ridiculously shy. It was a completely overwhelming experience. I went home that day wondering what happened and it's been two months since...we continue to chat on a regular basis and we still feel the same about each other. We still have a great friendship and have agreed to not take it further b/c of my marriage and the fact that I will not cheat on my husband. I am now even more unhappy than ever before in my marriage which is slowly going bad. I want to feel that love that I feel with this new man and it seems impossible at this point. We are going to a marriage counselor for the first time tomorrow b/c it's obvious I'm not fulfilled in my marriage. Although I've only seen the new man 5 times, I feel closer to him than to my husband who feels more like a roommate and business partner!

What do I do? Has anyone had this experience before? Any advice would help as I feel like I'm in my own hell...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 11:49am
Something the counselor hit upon which I thought was interesting, was the fact that my husband seemed to have formulated the type of woman he should marry in his mind, almost as if it was a goal. Now I know we all get a mental image of who we would like to be with, but his image mostly involved my goals, my work, etc. As opposed to kind, loving, honest - more internal qualities.

She commented that it was interesting how when he described why he wanted to be with me, the comments revolved mostly around my talent (I'm in a creative field), my looks, and my sense of humor. Apparently, I matched those qualities when he met me and after just speaking for 30 minutes when we first met, he decided that "that's the kind of woman I need to marry". I used to think that was really romantic, but now I'm wondering if it was more like a goal for him. And he is definitely goal driven in everything he does.

Just an interesting thought...

I certainly don't have any money or family inheritance to speak of so I'm hoping the counselor can help us get to the bottom of his motivations in the relationship. Thanks for the input.

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