Long Distance & busy job

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Long Distance & busy job
2
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 5:20pm

Hi! Gosh I'm in a bind....
So ive been dating this guy for 6 months. We were in high school together 10 yrs ago (so i do know him) but we hooked up only 6 months ago. He was in MA while i am in Louisiana. Just recently he graduated med school and began his surgery residency in Michigan. I am absolutely in love with him and for the first time i feel as though he could actually be the one.
We've both laid everything out on the table from the get go and know what our long term goals are...There were alot of hurdles that we overcame (including him meeting my family and me meeting his). However, the critical hurdles are yet to come.
I have never donw long distance before and i'll admit that the last 6 months have been tough. We have met once every month (with me going to him most of the time). So what are my issues? I will list them:

1) His residency gives him very little free time (he works 18 hrs a day and does have to be on call every 4th day)- Some days, the little free time he does get, he spends it reading or catching up on sleep. He's always said that he's not a "big phone person" and im trying to be supportive. I dont call him unless he calls me. In his defence i think he's trying a little - so far he's called at least 1x/day even if its been for just 2 min - I understand when he's swamped with work. However, is it unreasonable for me to get upset when he does find time to do other stuff (like call other ppl, surf the net, Go on all those websites like facebook, friendster, myspace etc.) instead of calling me?

2)How "onboard" should i be? should i just let everything be the way he wants, in terms of communication? or should i tell him when something bothers him? Should he be compromising too, just a litle bit?

3)This is a silly little issue - but he keeps his "status" on the friendster, facebook etc profiles as "single" or "complicated". Should this bother me? Everyone who was supposed to know about us knows....so what's the secret now? For some reason i am still a little insecure even though ive met his family! am i making a mountain out of a molehill?

4)What can i do to make this relationship last? how can i spice things up?

5)What do i do during those moments when I need him too?

If we last, i plan to move to where he goes after a yr (he has to re-apply for the 5 yr surgery programs).
I am a novice at this - long distance is hard enough that now i have to deal with his crazy schedule....

This guy means alot to me, so any advice will be much apreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 7:03pm

Oy! The life of doctors!

This is pretty much it. He will have no life for the next 5-6 years. There is nothing you can do to change his schedule. Nothing you can do right now to change the distance. The question is, are you willing to put up with this? Or would you rather find someone who can give you the time and attention you need?

I realize that this is not easy and unfortunately, the conditions you and your boyfriend find yourself in are going to last for a quite some time. Do you really want to spend your youth pining away for a guy who lists himself as "single?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 7:33pm
Hi, sorry you are going through this..
You need to slow down, 1 time a month for 6 months = 6 dates. It takes a lot more than 6 dates to know if love exists. You know him from 10 yrs ago, people change in that amount of time, I'm sure you have changed a lot in 10 years, are you still the same person, have the same outlook on life, the same goals that you did 10 years ago? If you do then you have been in a bubble for 10 years. Give it some time and see what develops if that is what you want. But you need to decide if you can handle the long distance for 1 year.
Long distance is hard (been there done that) you only get that short burst of being with someone so you don't really get to know the person completely, that takes time and a longer time when distance is involved.
He is in residency so you know he doesn't have a lot of time to spare, he has a grueling schedule. So that is going to be his main priority for awhile. Do you think you can handle that?
He does have a life other than you, so yes he can call other ppl and go online. Have you given up all your friends and not done anything or talked to anyone unless it is with him?
No you shouldn't just let it be they way he wants, a relationship takes 2 ppl, you need to be able to communicate with him honestly.
You should talk to him and see if you can come to an agreement about the contact and compromise. If not, then you need to find someone that is more in tune with your expectations.
If you are in a committed, exclusive relationship then I don't think his profile should say single or complicated. That is something you need to discuss with him.
Just because you have met his parents might or might not mean a lot. Some ppl introduce everyone they date to their parents, some don't.
You stated if it lasts...... So you are not even sure if it will at this point.
Just slow down and see where things go. Good luck