Long Distance Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Long Distance Confusion
4
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:48pm
Oh where to begin. :-) I guess you could say I’m your average girl next door (31) who married her high school sweet heart. After 1 ½ years of marriage he was cheating so needless to say I left him and moved on. I’m much stronger for it, but I must admit its made it hard for me to trust anyone I have dated since.

After dating guys who just aren’t worth the trouble, I met this guy (37, who has also been divorced) at an office function last December and we kind of hit it off. We started an online relationship and talked about work etc. He lives in NY and I live in DC. He was very charming and invited me to NY in December and in January. We had a great time and things were going fine except for the occasional spats here and there that were literally about nothing. We met up again in March for another office function, then took a little vacation on the west coast to catch up. 3 months go by which to him doesn’t seem that long since we talk on the phone a couple times a day. We decided to take another vacation to the beach in June to catch up once again and to spend time with each other.

Here’s the catch. After 8 months together, we’ve never had an official “relationship” talk which he admits he isn’t very good at. I told myself that on this trip I would take the plunge and talk about us and where this might be going. For some reason I couldn't do it. The timing never seemed quite right. I’ve been realistic all along in the sense that he lives in NY and I live in DC and wasn’t sure if it was fair due to the distance, to ask a guy to date exclusively as most women know, guys go into cardiac arrest when asked to only see one woman. LOL. In the back of my head I have always suspected something wasn’t right and I assumed he was dating someone else. He denied it convincingly, but I still had my suspicions.

Well today is the day that I decided to put my instincts to work and did a little online research. I came across his profile on match.com. I admit my heart sank and my stomach was filled with knots. It was very disheartening to see this information first hand. I tried to prepare myself all along for something like this to happen, I mean after all I admit to having a problem with trust. I guess my question is….do I call it quits after finding his current posting on a dating site? I know he cares, but part of me thinks that he’s keeping me around until something closer comes along. I feel a little used as I have done so many little things for him such as care packages etc., that I haven’t really received anything in return from him not that I expected to, but kind of hoped I would. Even a thank you note or something that would make me smile. I guess I’m just at a loss here and all my girlfriends tell me to ditch him, but there is something between us. I know if it was ever going to work I would have to move to NY which I could do, but I would only go if he was going be in a committed relationship with me. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:15am
Has his profile been updated lately or can you tell? Just because he is on that website doesn't mean he is actively dating but you shouldn't berak it off without discussing it with him. If you are thinking about a possible committed relationship with him then you should feel comfortable enough with him now to talk about anything, especially your relationship status.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:04am
I guess I should have included this, but yes his profile is updated. The last time I checked, it was updated within an hour. I know I should talk to him about it, but at the same time I think that if he was interested, he might bring up our relationship. I guess I should just accept things for what they are. Thanks for your input. :-)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:57pm
Hmm...I'm in a similar situation (long-distance, and he still has ads up, after saying he wasn't dating anyone else), but we've only known each other for 2.5 months. I can't imagine not having a clear understanding as to exclusivity and where you want this to go after 8 months!!! I'm going to end my r'ship if we aren't able to clear this up the next time we see each other, as I'm not willing to invest my time and effort into flying halfway across the country for a r'ship that doesn't have the potential to become something serious, AND because I feel he's not being straight with me, and anything less than complete honesty is a deal-breaker for me.

Contrary to your assertion, not all guys freak out when asked to commit to exclusivity. Men who are serious about wanting a serious r'ship will do so without any problem at all.

It's time to put your cards on the table, and ask him to do the same. He obviously wants to keep his options open; if that's not something that's comfortable for you (and it certainly wouldn't be for me after spending that much time in a r'ship), then you need to bow out (unless he decides to take his profile down and commit to exclusivity).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 3:58pm
Thanks Sheri. I guess my questions has been answered. I have yet to talk to him since seeing the ad a day or so ago, but you're right, it looks to me like he wants to keep his options open which at this point in my life, I'm not into. I'd rather have a guy I can trust and talk to instead of one that I have to wonder about what he's doing behind my back.