Long Distance Confusion
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| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:48pm |
After dating guys who just aren’t worth the trouble, I met this guy (37, who has also been divorced) at an office function last December and we kind of hit it off. We started an online relationship and talked about work etc. He lives in NY and I live in DC. He was very charming and invited me to NY in December and in January. We had a great time and things were going fine except for the occasional spats here and there that were literally about nothing. We met up again in March for another office function, then took a little vacation on the west coast to catch up. 3 months go by which to him doesn’t seem that long since we talk on the phone a couple times a day. We decided to take another vacation to the beach in June to catch up once again and to spend time with each other.
Here’s the catch. After 8 months together, we’ve never had an official “relationship” talk which he admits he isn’t very good at. I told myself that on this trip I would take the plunge and talk about us and where this might be going. For some reason I couldn't do it. The timing never seemed quite right. I’ve been realistic all along in the sense that he lives in NY and I live in DC and wasn’t sure if it was fair due to the distance, to ask a guy to date exclusively as most women know, guys go into cardiac arrest when asked to only see one woman. LOL. In the back of my head I have always suspected something wasn’t right and I assumed he was dating someone else. He denied it convincingly, but I still had my suspicions.
Well today is the day that I decided to put my instincts to work and did a little online research. I came across his profile on match.com. I admit my heart sank and my stomach was filled with knots. It was very disheartening to see this information first hand. I tried to prepare myself all along for something like this to happen, I mean after all I admit to having a problem with trust. I guess my question is….do I call it quits after finding his current posting on a dating site? I know he cares, but part of me thinks that he’s keeping me around until something closer comes along. I feel a little used as I have done so many little things for him such as care packages etc., that I haven’t really received anything in return from him not that I expected to, but kind of hoped I would. Even a thank you note or something that would make me smile. I guess I’m just at a loss here and all my girlfriends tell me to ditch him, but there is something between us. I know if it was ever going to work I would have to move to NY which I could do, but I would only go if he was going be in a committed relationship with me. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Contrary to your assertion, not all guys freak out when asked to commit to exclusivity. Men who are serious about wanting a serious r'ship will do so without any problem at all.
It's time to put your cards on the table, and ask him to do the same. He obviously wants to keep his options open; if that's not something that's comfortable for you (and it certainly wouldn't be for me after spending that much time in a r'ship), then you need to bow out (unless he decides to take his profile down and commit to exclusivity).
Sheri