Long distance - Everything seems terrible but I can't go

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011
Long distance - Everything seems terrible but I can't go
10
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 2:30pm

I've been in a long distance relationship for 1 year now and things seem to get out of control and I really need some advice...

A little background, we're both 20, it's his first relationship, we met online 5 years ago through a common friend and became very close friends until one year ago when I visited him for the first time (we live in different countries) and we fell in love and realized we wanted to be together. I always thought of him as a great person, perfect for me, one of my best friends, the whole experience was something very special for both of us. I can't describe how perfect everything seemed to be. Despite all that, I always tried to be realistic. We would be in a long distance relationship and see each other every 2 months, for about one week every time. We both knew it would be hard but we wanted to go for it anyway.

Now, it's been a year since we started this. Whenever we meet, everything is perfect, I feel like I'm the happiest person alive, we love each other so much and it's so good it feels unreal. There have been occasional fights and problems, but when we are together, it's all easy to handle and overcome.

The last few months though, we have realized that things are like this ONLY when we are together. We have been through terrible fights, swearing and shouting and crying, wanting to end the relationship. But that is only when we are apart. Those fights hurt us both too much and they are starting to affect our everyday lives. When we meet, everything is almost forgotten, it's as if we don't care about all the bad things that happened. But this is starting to become worse and worse, fighting almost every day because he can't control his temper and I'm losing my patience with trying to be gentle and we end up saying terrible things to each other.

Fights usually start when we talk about something we disagree on, or if I'm just feeling insecure and I need some reassurance and he doesn't seem to notice or he is too busy with his own problems to notice. I always expect him to show his love and care but he just feels that he can't express it, he is always scared that he will make me angry, scared that whatever he does, it will be a mistake. It's all too complicated. It's just SO easy for both of us to lose our temper. The worst thing is that those fights have made him colder and more distant, almost a different person than the one I see when we meet...

I don't want to leave him because I know that it will all be fine when I see him again. When we make up, we both say to each other how much we want this relationship and that we will do everything we can to work things out and this always gives me hope. I love him too much and what we have is very special, that's why I'm still fighting for it, but it's starting to wear us out. We have tried too much, talking about problems, encouraging each other, we've tried almost everything, but still it's too hard and I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like there's no solution to this. I've went through countless articles about long distance relationship problems and advice, but nothing seems to help.

Sorry if this was too long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I wonder if there are any plans for either one of you to move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011
We do have plans to move and that's in about one year (we're still in university). Before that, we will spend a couple of months in each other's places to see if it would be a good choice.
I know, I noticed, I wasn't sure about where to post it, here or there, sorry if it was a bad decision, I'm just so desperate :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

If you say things like "I can't" then you'll be stuck. You can, you just don't want to, and it isn't easy emotionally.

Here is the sad truth... You say these things only happen when you are apart but that is because you are together so scarcely that you are both on your best behavior during that time. If you live together, fighting will infringe more and more upon your "together" time because you will be together most of the time. The chemistry you share and the feelings of holding one another and saying "I want this more than anything" will not be able to make up for the fighting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011
I always thought that it is so difficult because of the distance and that is what everyone has been telling me... That was the reason I didn't give up. And because of personal problems we both have lately, I think we are both vulnerable and with a bad temper. So I always thought that at some point, we will be feeling better and things will get better.
Is this really the only way? It sounds impossible for me to leave him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009

The distance can take its toll . You dont get to see eachother when you want to, dont get to talk when you want to and a lot gets misunderstood inbetween.Its possible only when both of you are free , in a good mood at the same time.When you call, for example, he might have had a bad day at school/work and you had a great day-- it will be in your voice but since he was cranky, he wont be glad to hear your happy voice ( nothing personal, just human nature ).You would want to discuss/share, he would want something else. You can see where I am going with this.

If you are not able to see in physical, it wont last long as you probably dont have a strong foundation to work on.

If you wont leave, he will . Sorry to say but it seems doomed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

It's very easy to get along for a week or two while you visit.......but the other 50 weeks of the year are not worth living with.

You were both children when you "met".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Sen, you've said a few times that you can't go...or how it's impossible to leave him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011

Fissatore, things might seem like that, but the truth is that not everyone on the internet seems wonderful. He was the only one who seemed wonderful and he was the only one who was actually wonderful in real life too. I just don't want to judge a relationship based on the time we are apart, because it's hard and we both have problems right now, but despite all that, none of all that is strong enough to make us break up. That means something to me. Also, 99% of my friends are guys and I have met most of them online and I have a past with them. But never something like this. I know I am young but I don't believe I'm a kid either. I knew this would be hard to work but I'm willing to go through this. What I need is help on how to make it easier.

True.blue, the thing that's holding me back is the fact that he's the most amazing person I've ever met and as a friend he is and always was one of the people closest to me. The chemistry between us is amazing and it feels unreal sometimes because we seem to be perfect for each other. The fights don't mean anything to us, they are just on the surface and they happen because of stupid things, but they still hurt us, it's always hard when you can't be next to the other person. But yes, that's the thing, I can't leave him because I can't believe I have found such an amazing person that we seem to be so perfect with. I'm just not leaving this guy and he's not leaving me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

I can offer one constructive suggestion, and hope you will give it serious thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011
That is exactly what we're trying to do. Control our bad tempers. And for those bad tempers, I blame the distance. Anyone who is forced to be away from someone they love must know how it feels when you just can't be with the other person. This frustration is destructive to our nerves, I always thought it was normal, since those little arguments can easily be solved when we are together.

Things always get better when we try to control it, but at times one of us snaps and then it gets really bad. I'm not expecting our relationship to be like this forever, since in about one year we will be able to spend months together and maybe even live in the same country at last. It's just hard to wait and every time something bad happens I feel hopeless.