Long Distance - He Won't Move

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Long Distance - He Won't Move
4
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 8:15pm
Okay, I need help. I dwell on this topic for hours and hours. My mind or my heart which one do I follow. A little over a year ago I met my boyfriend online. He lives 3 hours away, has been divorced from his ex wife for several years and has a 11 year old daughter whom he has every other weekend and some week nights. He has been with his company for 10 years and just bought a house. He hasn't dated anyone seriously for more than a month or two since his divorce and I am his first real relationship.

I just got divorced last year and have a four year old son. My ex has been a real jerk during the whole process, since I left him and is not flexible at all. We have split custody 50/50. I live in Miami. My bf doesn't like Miami and complains every time he comes down here.

Toward the end of last year we were close to breaking up because I figured you should know if you want to be with someone after dating them for 9 months. You know if you want to continue or not. He would never say anything about moving to be close to me or when the time is right. Nothing. In fact he pushed me to move and I went and saw three attornies and they all told me that I could move but I would basically be giving my ex full custody of my son and I would then only be able to see him summers, holidays and weekends. Since I would be moving 3 hours away. My bf and his ex have a good relationship and she has even told him not to worry about their daughter if he wanted to move that they could work things out. That do what makes him happy.

Well all I seem to hear out of my bf are excuses. He can't seem to find anything close to what he does for work down here. He tells me we should just keep seeing each other until there is a reason we shouldn't or fate brings us together. Then last weekend when he was down we bought lotto tickets and were talking about what we would do. He said he would move back up north where he is from and "I would have to make the choice". Now all this time he has been using money and stability as his excuses and if he were to have millions from the lotto I would still have to choose. Doesn't seem right.

The hard part is we (supposedly we) have a great connection that was there from the start and is still there. He tells me he hasn't been this happy since when he was first married. That he is confused and doesn't know what the right thing to do is. That he is afraid if he moves down here he will fail or we won't work out. He is afraid of not being able to provide for his daughter or to not have what in his mind he wants to have as far as his ideal house, etc.

I am just tired of sitting here knowing in my gut that he will never move. I would have if I didn't have my son but he has more flexibility when it comes to the more important thing and that is the kids not the money. I feel like he isn't even trying to f ind anything and just keeps me hanging on to him because he is being selfish and hanging on.

I want someone who knows what they want and goes after it and if it supposedly as great as he says it is. If it is as deep as he says it is or the connection is better than he has felt in a long time then what is so hard in making a commitment to work on moving down here. Am I being out of line here? Am I just being plain dumb and in love to see the signs are there? Am I just afraid of being without him? I don't know but I really don't know what to do. I have tried to break things off but it doesn't last more than a week. I just can't let go. I can't let go and feel like sucker for punishment. Please help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 3:28am

well - if he won't move, he won't move. doesn't matter what his ex thinks he should do (...) doesnt' matter what YOU think he should do. he is a grown man, and he is doing what he wants to do.


HE is fine with the relationship AS IS. YOU knew, coming thru the door that (a) He lives 3 hours away, (b) he has a 11 year old daughter whom he has every other weekend and some week nights, (c) He has been with his company for 10 years,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 2:07pm
I'm afraid I agree with sk1960. It's hard to leave a stable life you've know. 10 years at the same job and living near your child are pretty important things, I'd have a hard time giving them up, too. Even if his wife is agreeable on working things out, he'd still likely see less of his child living 3 hours away. Plus, in this economy finding a job is no easy task. And really 9 months isn't a huge amount of time in comparison to a life time commitment, which it sounds like you ultimately want. I guess if it were me, I'd at least take a break, maybe date some other people closer to home instead of longing for someone who lives far away. But then, you're talking with someone who couldn't do a long distance relationship period, so...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 2:55pm
It is my opinion that nine months may not be enough time to make a move like that especially after going through a divorce. Its also very different when children are involved. Its a hard situation. Now you know that if you were to move to where he is you would risk having full custody of your child. Would you be willing to do that? Think about all of things that he may risk to make the move for you? It goes both ways. Maybe with more time together you will know what each other will be willing to do, but considering the time since divorces and children, I think that patience would be a great thing to practice for now. Good luck

Destiny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 6:02pm
'He can't seem to find anything close to what he does for work down here'

That isn't just an excuse. That is a big life change.

You are asking a lot from a man that you have known for ONLY 9 months. He is set-job, house, child, etc. You would compliment is life but you shouldn't complicate his or yours.

Your child and his child come first. They both need their parents close by.

Set your sites on local men.