Long distant relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Long distant relationship
11
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 9:46pm
Good evening everyone :)
I need some advice. I'm in a long distance relationship, my fiancé travels 6 hrs every week to go to work, he's home every wknd and stays home for weeks at a time when he's inbtwn jobs. We have 2 children, 4yrs & 9 months.
I have major trust issues. My ex husband of 13 yrs held the same type of job and was awa. Often. My ex was a serial cheat, I found out he had a double life while away and was in a long term relationship for 2 yrs while we were married. He was a very shady man. Fast forward 3 yrs, 2 children. My fiancé is a loyal man, never gives me reasons to worry, but because of thelong distant relationship, I'm havin a hard time trusting him. The one thing he does that really bothers me is when he's out drinking he doesn't answer his phone all the time. Sometimes he does. I question him all the time about it but more so now that I'm a parent and tied down 6 hrs away with children. My gut tells me not to worry. When I was with my ex my gut NEVER told me that. But I still worry. It's causing a strain in the relationship. Thereason I fell in love with him is because he's honest, loyal and faithful, but he's a hard man. Very hard to talk to, so when I bring it up he flies off the handle. Our communtication isn't the greatest. Another difference is my fiancé doesn't tell me not to worry, he shows me I don't have to worry. My ex didn't show me but he told me and always proved to be a liar. I do trust my fiancé bit there's always that 'what if'. Please help me before my insecurities drive him away!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 10:08pm
Let me clarify my long distant relationships a bit...it's a cultural factor, for many years the men of our community leave their families to do construction in large cities such as Boston, NYC an Detroit for example. In a communtiy of 10,000 all of the same ethnicity, every family has fathers, brothers, uncles etc working away. So it's a part of our culture.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 11:20pm

Hi Jeannine, welcome to the board.

I guess my first questions are

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 11:37pm
He's got another 15 years until retirement. He doesn't want to be there but it's the only security he's got regarding all the years he put in for pension, annuity and vacation pay. He'd be able to work around here but the money isn't good here. I know I shouldn't keep calling him when I kno he's out. A few times when he didn't answer I left very nagging text msgs on his phone and he stepped out of the bar to call me. His anger is in response to my nagging about not trusting him. He believes he proves to me that I have nothing to worry about. But the reputation of many (not all but many) of the men in this trade, is having affairs on the side (like my ex and others I know about). He is a good man like I said but very 'old school'. Neat n potatoes type of guy, doesn't take any b.s. type of guy, just very hard, (so am I). Were similiar and we 'get' each other. The funny thing is he's just as insecure as me about 'cheating' but I'm also very loyal, honest and faithful...were kinda identical when I think about it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 11:38pm
* meat n potatoes, not neat! Lol and thanks trueblue:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 12:41am

You divorced a man who cheated when he travelled.......then you hook up with another traveling

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 12:55am
Showing me not to worry by loving me, not by sex. The way he holds me, gives me attention, honest, not a liar, loyal, one woman man, the list goes on but to put it in a nutshell, I am the center of his universe (along with our children). Nothing else matters.

If he works around here he makes less than $50 an hr, he's making $100 where he is. He lives in a place with 4 other men splitting rent. Commutes with 2 other men splitting gas costs and switching vehicles every 3 weeks. He's is union and from their local, he travels across the border to the USA to work. Like I said before this is our culture, the men go where the good money is. We have a beautiful home and land and would never go live in the city, our families care here. So no, he is not as well off to stay and work here, although the thought does cross his mind at times. Another thing holding him there is a huge annuity loan he took out from his local that comes out of his pay weekly. Anyway thank you for your comment
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 1:15am
Fissatore, you misunderstood me, I didn't say I'm not able to talk to him and he doesn't know how to communicate, I said our communication is not the greatest. And did I give you any reason for you to even question that he "shows" me he loves me by sex? Thanks again for your positive comment :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 8:52am

Okay, back up a bit. You have two children, are they kids between you or did you have them with exes?

You have to realize somewhere that your trust issues are at least partially under your direct control. You were married to a serial cheater who was awful to you and that's terrible. But now you have to be smart in your choice of men, and make decisions about what traits are dangerous. I would say that a man who works a job like this has a big red flag for you personally.

Your boyfriend may not be a cheat. If you don't believe he's cheating, you're probably right. He certainly isn't the same guy your ex is.

But the fact is, you still have this problem that isn't solved. Even if you're not being cheated on, things aren't right. Your trust issues are still being triggered every time he is away. You can tell yourself he's a great guy and stay with him, you can question him left and right and call him incessantly when he's out. It's not going to fix anything. You're being controlled by your inability to trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 2:14pm
We have one child together and one is from my previous relationship. He considers his step-son his son.
I agree with you about the professional help. My father was a cheat, so that is why I put up with cheating for 13 years. I wasn't coming to this board to get 'cured' but merely for suggestions to help me get through this. I've been in counseling for 15 years, haven't been for the past 3 years. I have to say I'm doing pretty good utilizing all the tools that were given to me in times of questioning, and when I'm triggered or feeling insecure about something. I have thought about seeing another professional, it's a possibility but have to say I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and can get thru rough patches with a little bit of self help. No my relationship is not perfect but it is the best relationship I've ever had. I'm older and wiser now and my fiancé was in a similar boat being in a relationship for 15 yrs. I think we both know who we are and what we want and our love for each other is strong. We both have issues, who doesn't, I'm just here to try to figure out how to get over a 'bump' in the relationship. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 11:54am

I think that on one hand, you haven't learned from your previous relationship, and on the other hand, you're punishing this guy for what the other one did.

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