LONG - how to talk to bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
LONG - how to talk to bf?
3
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 9:00pm

my bf and i have a baby due in april. 90% of the time he is considerate, kind and thoughtful. the other 10%, though, he can be a real jerk.


my question is: how can i explain what upsets me about his behaviour without his getting the wrong impression?


yesterday, for example, he went out for drinks with a friend (actually, an ex). he called me before 9 to see if i was home (we live together), and then said he'd be back after one or two more. he didn't show up until 1:30 in the morning.


i am not jealous of the ex-girlfriend. she currently has a boyfriend, who was out with them, and i trust my bf. don't get me wrong, if he cheated on me i would be devastated, but i don't believe in worrying about such things before they happen.


however, it was rude of him to not either call me back to say he would be later or just come home within a reasonable time after calling.


that is not all that's bugging me, though. it really upsets me that he doesn't seem to want to go out with me any more. it's not that he goes out a lot without me. and, to be fair, he takes me out for dates and such. also, i should make it clear that i do think that it's normal and healthy that we aren't together all the time and occasionally have an evening to ourselves or to see friends. but, you see, it wasn't just the evening. he went out at about three in the afternoon. if he's going to be at the pub for ten hours, on his one day off in 10 days, would it be so awful to call me at 9 pm and say, "hey, all our friends are out -- why don't you come down for an iced tea"?


i'm a fun person. i like to go out and be social once in awhile. people like me, i like to talk to them. just because i can't drink right now doesn't mean i have to be a social reject, does it?


today he kept telling me about what a great time he had while he was out, that everyone was there. he did ask me a couple of times if i was mad at him for going out without me. i said no, which is kind of true. i was mad at him for not calling. and upset that he appears to want to hang out with everyone but me. but i don't know how to say that without him thinking that i am jealous of his ex or that i think we should be together every single second.


i feel like he has shunted me into this "girlfriend" category - we were friends for 15 years before we started dating. as his friend, he could see that i was cool. now maybe he thinks i cramp his style? or maybe he doesn't really want me to be part of that scene because he sees me as a pregnant lady who should therefore be at home? is he protecting me in a twisted way? i feel left out.


sorry if i sound whiny. i just don't know what to do with this, especially when he's so sweet to me most of the time.

blinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 9:31pm

I think a lot of guys wouldn't have called at all. He made an effort to be considerate to you, and then sort of blew it because he got carried away. I don't think that incident is the end of the world. Maybe he's trying to get this out of his system before he's a father? I don't know. Once you have a baby your going-out-drinking days are over.

I think it's important that you make your concerns and expectations clear to him. Don't get angry or accusatory, but let him know that you really appreciate his consideration for you and that it would be nice of him to try to be a little more accurate as to when he's coming home.

"that is not all that's bugging me, though. it really upsets me that he doesn't seem to want to go out with me any more..... he takes me out for dates and such."

So he DOES go out with you. Again, if you want to go somewhere, let him know. Pick a place or offer something to do.

I don't want to sound mean but these things don't scream "jerk" to me and if you are picking up on small changes in his personality... Well... wait until you're parents. It turns upside down.

I think you should both try to be more understanding of one another because this is a sensitive time in your lives. Congratulations on your baby, I hope you two work these things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 10:11pm

thanks so much for your reply. i appreciate your level head, but it also just feels good to get rid of some of this.


as i said, he is wonderful most of the time. and i suppose if this were the first time the same sort of thing had happened, i would be less upset. i must admit that the frequency of his getting "carried away" is dwindling. and, in comparison, 1:30 a.m. is not incredibly late.


what i should have done is dealt with the issue when it first *became* an issue for me, which was the weekend i found out we were pregnant. he and i went out on friday night. i went home when the bar closed, but he went to a party at a (sort of) friend's, and stayed out until 10 a.m. i told him then that i expected a phone call, particularly when he decided he wasn't coming home. two days later, he had a bad day at work. he went to the pub at 3, called me at 6 to tell me that he was coming straight home after, and then proceeded to not only close the pub but to go to a friend's house until 4 a.m. both of these nights were very late nights for me as i can't sleep if i don't know he's safe.


i don't want to dwell on these things, but it was a bad weekend. and although i did try to tell him to call me, that i worry about him (he has post traumatic stress), i think i botched the job of effectively communicating what is and what is not okay with me. and at this point, i don't want to say "you did x two months ago" -- i don't want past behaviour to hang over either of our heads. however, there is a cumulative effect.


i can't imagine what he would do if i did the same sort of thing. i went out for a walk one night when he was on the night shift, and he told me that he didn't like me out alone at midnight.


you're right - the baby will change everything, and he has a right to blow off steam before that happens. i guess i just figure i have that right also, although things have already changed drastically for me.


again, thanks so much for listening.

blinkie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 1:28am

Welcome to the board aleigh-kat,


I think you got good advice already....I just want to give you some thoughts on dialog, especailly because you are right, you don't want to bring up old stuff, nor do you want resentment to build.