Long M, short A, long discord, need ans

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Long M, short A, long discord, need ans
2
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:08pm

Hello, new here to this board. Could really use some help. I screwed up; it was a long time in coming and--if it takes 2 to make a M, then DH has some ownership of the problems.

Where to start? Believe it or not, how about almost 30 years ago? BF got scared about how much he felt for me. My mother got perturbed that he wandered off and that affected me more than anything. I started dating the young man who would become my DH.

Little did my family know, and little did I understand getting so involved at that young age, just how INSECURE my eventual DH really was.

Short of it is that I really, really loved that 1st guy, lost him b/c I dated my eventual DH. Only with the perspective of time did I realize how my DH's insecurities manifested themselves in a fair amount of substance abuse and control of me. Due to his use of substances, we didn't have children until 16 years into our relationship[ (tells you something, right?). Now, we have two lovely girls, 10 and 15. Also, we've been married going on 25 years.

I re-connected w/ex-BF from high school. Talk about a double-whammy?!?! Not only did I love him more than the first time around, I WAS AWAKENED to what had gone wrong and was continuing to go wrong with my DH.

It seems (and a M counselor said sommthing to this effect) that my DH has a fairly serious emotional deficit. There's no emotional intimacy between us. I guess--and if you knew the history of my family of origin it would substantiate this--I am his rescuer. I'm a mothering, nurturing type (Go ahead, call me co-something or another)and I have really tried to compensate for him (especially where the drugs and alcohol had done has much for him as they could).

Bottom-line: I had a one time fling with ex-BF. Whether I love him or not doesn't matter so much b/c he awakened so much in my that I can't stand the thought of what I'm missing in an intimate partner.

For going on 3 years now, my DH and I have been together, but apart. We love the kids. My DH does not know the full extent of my re-connection. It's over now anyway. But I can't seem get myself back into my M. My DH seems MIA too. I wonder about what's really going on w/him? I can't ask b/c he's lied enough over the past; it's hurt and disgusted me. I even think to some small extent my A was in part due to knowing that I was sick of not getting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from my DH.

Somebody please, please, please tell me where this is all going?--and how to get a resolution?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:11am

Welcome to the board ragilead,


Are you in counseling of any kind? I think it would be good even if you went alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 6:52pm

Thank you for your reply.

Therapy/marriage counseling...they haven't worked. I think for a variety of reasons. If my relationship with my husband hasn't been a fairly large tangle, then I'm just a very tight knot. Also--and to be perfectly frank--the 2,3 or 4 counselors I seen over the years just haven't been very good.

What I have found to be helpful, and wish to God I'd done this a looong time ago, is to journal. Even though I'm a tight knot, and it's taken me more than couple years of journaling to get my core, I'm finally there and regularly mining good stuff.

Thanks again!