Long one

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Long one
4
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 3:47pm

So here goes...I will try and summarize as much as possible our history. But basically, my husband and I have been together off and on for 10 years, but married a little more than a year of those 10. During this entire time we've been together, we've pretty much had a co-dependent, emotionally and "used-to-be" verbally abusive relationship. It's interesting that over the years, we've, or I should say he's swayed away from the verbal abuse...that is no more, and hasn't been for probably at least 7 or 8 of those years. We broke up for a long while and after we got back together (there's that co-dependent issue) the verbal abuse was no more.

But really, he's a very angry person, we're both 28 years old and he didn't grow up with his father, his mom is a drug addict and alcoholic - has been all his life. He pretty much had to raise himself and his younger brother and sister. My parents are still together; however, my father is a recovering alcoholic of 5 years and there were always issues in the home of him coming home drunk when I was younger that my little brother, my mom, and myself had to deal with. We pretty much lived our lives around my dad's drinking.

Anyway...after my husband and I got married, he was able to get in contact with his father ...who is a really positive, hard-working man, with a family and loves his kids. We found out that he had always tried to find my husband and his siblings but to no avail.

Well, recently, over the last few months we've been arguing a LOT lately about any and everything. The most recent argument was over him going to a bar for a drink (something he never does and trust me is not part of his personality to do..he's the type that is always saying he doesn't go out to clubs or bars because craziness always happens) and he didn't tell me until after he was leaving the bar, not before he got there or when he first decided to go. So of course, I'm a little irritated and simply try to have a conversation with him about why he didn't tell me he was going...of course, he's a little tipsy but not drunk - but in a nutshell he tells me I can't do what he can, and he doesn't have to answer my questions and that he works all day and should be able to go out for a drink when he wants to - even though he has a beer or two every single night. Now first of all - I work full-time too, I even make twice as much income as he does, but I never throw that in his face, I even pay the major and majority of our bills, but I never complain about that. I always have money to lend him even though I never ask for it back, just because that's what marriage is about. When I need it which is rarely, he gives it when he has it, but I have to deal with attitude.

So basically after he yelled at me for asking him questions about his whereabouts, he then decided to throw a tantrum and took his wedding ring off and threw it on the floor (which he's done before) and told me what he says "every time" we get in an argument...that he doesn't need this s%@$*, that I make more money than him so I can pay for everything now and he doesn't need to give me any more money for his half of the bills, that he could leave if he wanted to and he will if I don't stop F-ing with him all the time, blah blah blah blah blah. I'd gone grocery shopping that day (which again, I'm the one who spends most of the money and I'm the ONLY one who actually does the shopping) and he decided to take out the stuff I'd bought from the fridge and sit it on the counter and complain that I never buy stuff he wants only stuff I want. Just for clarification, I'm 9 months pregnant, and I only buy healthy stuff..I do buy some items that he likes just to shut his mouth, but I refuse to spend $20 on crap, not happening!

So I just got up, left the room, and ley him have his tirade and that was it. Well, this was on Friday, we didn't speak for two days. On Monday, I heard our song on the radio, and it just kinda reminded me that this non-speaking (which happens more because he initiates it, not the other way around) is a complete waste of time and unhealthy and doesn't resolve anything. So I sent him a text message while at work telling him I'd heard our song and it reminded me of how much I loved him and that I missed him and didn't like that we were not speaking, etc. I told him I still didn't agree with his actions, but that all I am looking for is respect as his wife..AND as someone he's been with for 10 years, etc. etc. He NEVER responded to me for the whole day, no reply, no phone call, no nothing. I get home and he's there, and I say hello and he's still ignoring me. So I told him that he was wrong for not responding to say something and at least acknowledging my effort to work things out (like I always end up doing, he rarely ever does) and that it just shows how mean of a person he really is and how cold of a person he is. He just kept ignoring me. So I didn't say anything else to him the rest of the evening..I cried in our bedroom because I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of all of this, I'm tired of everything, I'm just tired. I know it's nothing new, and I know I'm the one that chose to make his actions a part of my life when I agreed to marry him, but I'm TIRED. But as soon as he's ready to make things right, if I don't agree at the time, or if I want to be left alone, then I'm the wrong one and the fight continues because I'm wrong. If I cry, then I'm trying to lose the baby (which I don't know where that one came from - this is our first). If I want a moment to just let out my feelings and say what I want to say about how I feel, he looks at me crazy. If I write a letter to say what I want to say, he gets mad because I should be able to tell him directly, not on paper. THERE IS NEVER ANYTHING I SAY OR DO THAT IS RIGHT IN HIS EYES!!! He's always talking to me like I'm an airhead - though I'm the one with a college degree and makes twice as much per year than he does, and pays most of the bills, etc. etc. He says I can't drive right, he feels like he's riding with a driver's ed student all the time..well I'm pregnant and I want to be careful because I've been in two car accidents in the past 5 years (none of which were my fault)...and we live in a metropolitan area where people drive like lunatics!!

I'm just sick and tired of him, I'm beginning to resent him a lot because I'm not even nearly the same vibrant, fun person that I used to be even 5 years ago. I tried bringing up counseling with him before and he says he doesn't have a problem, I do. I don't know what else to do. This baby has been the most exciting thing that's happened to us since we got married, and for the most part we don't argue all the time until lately. I don't know if it's just stress of the baby that's coming very soon or what. I just feel like my hands are tied and I'm living in a non-emotional relationship for the most part and I feel like I'm the only one trying. I always told myself that if this doesn't work out in the long run, I want to be able to tell my child that mommy did everything she could to try and work things out with daddy but I can only try when the other one is willing as well - it has to come from both sides. I truly think that he's acting a lot like this too because I'm pregnant and he knows I can't do much right now, when I was all slim and trim and in shape for the past 9 years, he was ALWAYS looking for me, and asking me about where I was (not that it's right either), but it's like the tables have turned and he knows I'm vulnerable right now because of my weight gain, etc. and he's just emotionless.

I've broken up with him years ago over his actions and attitude and thought things had changed and of course they didnt, and found myself just wanting to be with only him, and he would say the same..we both admit to each other that we have a crazy, hostile relationship, never physical, but hostile and yet we choose to stay. I want to continue to try for the sake of our child, but at the same time - I don't want to still be "trying for the sake of our child" 10 more years from now.

But when things are "good" he's telling me how much he loves me and how he doesn't even want to think where he'd be if he hadn't met me, and how he knows how mean he can get but that's just a part of him and how he had to be growing up, blah blah blah. So then I say, well we've been together long enough that you know I'm not the enemy...I'M YOUR WIFE!!!!

I just feel LONELY, TIRED, EXHAUSTED, CONFUSED, SAD, DEPRESSED...and the only thing I'm looking forward to is the birth of my son and spending as much time with him as possible. I just needed to vent, I feel really sad right now, want to cry at this very moment and it's hard because I can't even talk to him about how I feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
In reply to: soulflower2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:24pm
Wow. I don't know what to say really. You're in a tough position and sorry for being blunt, but your husband's being a selfish jerk. As someone who grew up with a jerk of a dad, I have to say I wish he hadn't been around at all rather than being mean to me and my mom. I don't have advice, just a lot of hugs for you. I really hope you find happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: soulflower2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:45pm

Yeah, I know..it sucks right! LOL! All I can do is laugh to keep from going crazy. But really though, thanks for the hugs and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: soulflower2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:16pm

Welcome to the board soulflower2004,


For being 9 months pregnant, you are doing well....seriously, you come across as mature, articulate and exhausted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: soulflower2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:34pm

Hi..

actually, when we broke up a few years ago I did read Codependent no more and it SHocked me how much I was reading about myself in the book. A friend of mine also recommended Getting the Love you Want to me as well but I haven't read it yet.

I will definitely get some of those you've suggested as well - if anything it can help me see more clearly on my end.

Thanks for the kind words.