LONG POST -Don't know what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
LONG POST -Don't know what to do?
2
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:21pm
I have 2 issues, both which are aggravating me to wits end at this point. Please someone clue me in to what I can do…

Money & housework…

Let’s start with housework…

After months of arguing, not arguing, nagging, not nagging, etc., and my finally having a “breakdown” about 3 weeks ago, my H said he’d “help more around the house”, but felt that the problem in the past was that I excepted him to take on too much too soon and that I’d nag him for what he did do, which he says in return would make him not want to help at all. So we talked and I asked HIM to pick a few things he felt he could help with and so that I wouldn’t nag we’d make a chore list to put on the fridge as a reminder. And that if I should complete all my tasks and he hadn’t done any of his then it was fair game and not nagging if I asked him to do them. We also decided not to have specific days when chores had to be done because our schedule’s are different daily and agreed that as long as they were done weekly that would suffice.

H’s chore list reads like this: emptying dishwasher, folding and putting away his clean clothes, vacuuming, in charge of Thurs. dinners.

In the 3 weeks that he said he’d help more, he hasn’t vacuumed once, none of his clothes have been put away (we have a pop up laundry basket thing and he’s decided to throw all clean clothes in there and leave it sitting next to his side of the bed), he emptied the dishwasher once (after there were so many plates that non fit in the washer anymore and the clean dishes I was hand washing were spreading on the counter), and as for Thus. Dinner, well a good example is last week where since I didn’t pick up a frozen pizza on MY lunch hour that day for dinner, he didn’t make anything and we went to bed hungry…well I did anyway, he said he was still full from lunch so he was ok.

At this point I think he just says he’ll help to get me to shut up at the moment with no plans of ever following through. This is a never ending cycle where he says he’ll help after I become overwhelmed and “lose it” and he does for a day or so and then that’s it… If I don’t say anything about the fact that he hasn’t vacuumed in 3 weeks – it just WILL NOT get done, but if on the other hand I do bring up the vacuuming I’m a nag and “hounding” him and then says that he doesn’t want to do anything.

In the end I end up fumed. And I think what my pastor has mentioned in sermon is correct - the reason for anger is usually not anger but fear. And he’s 100% correct. At the root of all this is my fear that if I feel overwhelmed now when it’s just he, I and the dog, and I feel as though I don’t get the support I need from him now when there’s not that much I need him for of support of how am I going to be when we start a family? I’m going to be twice as overwhelmed if I have to do the primary child rearing and housework! I’ve always wanted to have children but as this point I’m terrified of having children because I’m afraid I’ll end up as one of those moms with Post Partum Depression and then I’ll completely lose it! I’ve voiced my concerns about this in the past and H’s stance is I don’t have that much to be overwhelmed with now, but when we have children and I “really” need his help – he’ll step up.?!?! If he can’t step up to help with the small things now what in the world make me think he can step up for the big stuff later? I don’t know what to do anymore.

Last issue is money, and I’ll TRY to keep it shorter…

Lately, we been scraping by every month – all bills are paid and on time but at the end of the month we’re really wondering where all the $$ gone. At this point we aren’t really putting any significant amount of $ into savings. Living paycheck to paycheck and not having anything in personal savings stresses me out! As well as him but the difference is that when I can’t sleep at night because I’m stressed about something I’ll do what I can to solve the problem, H will just hope it goes away. As it is H and I together make pretty decent $ and there really should be no reason why we’re barely covering the mortgage etc. and stressing out every month. Our problem is budgeting which we can’t agree on how to do. H basically has told me - no not basically has out right told me that our problem is me. And the fact that I want to go places and see things, and buy people presents for weddings, etc. While I do take responsibility and admit that that’s mostly true, he also spends $ on things I consider frivolous such as PC games and PS2 Games. Talking about $$ this weekend he says that maybe we should just have 2 separate checking accounts which each of us is responsible to pay certain bills and a Joint savings. That way when each of us is done paying the bills we’re responsible for and each putting $ into savings, the rest of the $ in our separate checkings we will handle and do with what we’d like (for him games, etc. and for me gift buying, etc.). At first I was completely opposed to the idea, thinking that marriage is a partnership and we should be able to together handle all our bills etc. Not live like roommates when it comes to bill paying. But then the more I thought of it the more I liked the idea, hopefully in this manner we can start putting more into savings and each of us will have a responsibility in bill paying and budgeting our extra $$ the way we see fit. He can’t harp on me because I want to buy my immediate family x-mas gifts and I could care less if he buys a PC microphone….Well I told him this morning that I was liking his idea of split accounts and he proceeds to tell me that – NO he’s been thinking about it too and it doesn’t seem like a great idea – too much to keep track of.?!?! WTH? But he’s also opposed to my envelope system! Just wishing we’ll automatically budget ourselves without a plan is foolish, I think– but again I think he’s hoping that if we don’t discuss it then he won’t be stressed, the problem will somehow work itself. Also – I was hoping that with a new plan we could have enough $ saved up so that in a few years if we do decide to start a family we have some kind of $$ stashed away.

These 2 things and the fact that H is soo reluctant to discuss this like adults and make plans for our future makes me really resentful and depressed; to the point where I’m considering Individual Christian or Pastoral Counseling. If I can’t change him I might as well try to work on my feelings of resentment. I’ve jokingly mentioned that we try Christian Marriage Counseling but he doesn’t think we have any problems that we actually need “counseling” on and won’t talk about it.

Why is he sooo difficult to figure out? What should I try or do or say – anything or any advise, especially from the male species would be appreciated, lol maybe they can figure out what’s going on for me?

If you’ve stuck this far, you’re a trooper and a saint, bless your heart : )…

Don’t know what to do??

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:47pm
Make a marriage counseling appt with your pastor.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:12pm
Money is always a touching subject, so I'll stay away from it. But as far as the housework goes... STRIKE!! Only make dinner for yourself, and only clean what you need cleaned. Soon he'll either have to some of it, or he'll realize just how much you do and he'll come around.

Hope this helps.

~ Amanda
  

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker