A long time and still not sure.
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A long time and still not sure.
| Sun, 03-25-2007 - 4:38am |
I have been dating a woman for 3 1/2 years and I'm still not sure that a marriage would work with her. She is very much in love with me and I think I do have love feelings for her, we are affectionate with one another and we get along relatively well most of the time, especially on vacations.
The problem is that I love to discuss and learn about intellectual things: relationships, philosophy, psychology; but she gets frustrated and doesn't have much to say when I try to start a conversation about those things. She likes to talk about her schedule, complain about various things (traffic, weather, inconsistencies in the world), talk about work and gossip, and plan vacations. We also have little in common when it comes to our basic personalities: I am laid back and a bit messy(though not a slob), she is very onganized and a rather anxious; I am spontaneous and romantic, she is strict about her schedule and not at all romantic; I am extremely curious and love exploration, she love a routine; also our sense of humor is rather different. I think I could make the relationship work if I am mature enough and I know I can make her happy if I try hard enough. It's just that I have always had longings for a wife that would challenge me intellectually and to be a better person, would show interest and desire to learn about my passions, would be a bit more romantic and spontaneous and would know a little better how to console and support me when I'm feeling hopeless. I care about her very much and would absolutely hate to hurt her. I have told her in the past that I needed her to let go of some of her anxiety, and to make an effort to show some interest in the things I love. She is better than she was and she has been wanting to share more with me but I still have doubts about the future.
Another complication is that I am paying very affordable rent to her in her home while struggling to pay school loans in a low wage job that is leading up to getting accepted into a new school for a good career in prosthetics. I'm not sure I can afford to move out into a higher rent apartment. I'm just really feeling stuck and torn. What can I realistically hope for in a wife and should I just be satisfied if I can create a peaceful marriage?
The problem is that I love to discuss and learn about intellectual things: relationships, philosophy, psychology; but she gets frustrated and doesn't have much to say when I try to start a conversation about those things. She likes to talk about her schedule, complain about various things (traffic, weather, inconsistencies in the world), talk about work and gossip, and plan vacations. We also have little in common when it comes to our basic personalities: I am laid back and a bit messy(though not a slob), she is very onganized and a rather anxious; I am spontaneous and romantic, she is strict about her schedule and not at all romantic; I am extremely curious and love exploration, she love a routine; also our sense of humor is rather different. I think I could make the relationship work if I am mature enough and I know I can make her happy if I try hard enough. It's just that I have always had longings for a wife that would challenge me intellectually and to be a better person, would show interest and desire to learn about my passions, would be a bit more romantic and spontaneous and would know a little better how to console and support me when I'm feeling hopeless. I care about her very much and would absolutely hate to hurt her. I have told her in the past that I needed her to let go of some of her anxiety, and to make an effort to show some interest in the things I love. She is better than she was and she has been wanting to share more with me but I still have doubts about the future.
Another complication is that I am paying very affordable rent to her in her home while struggling to pay school loans in a low wage job that is leading up to getting accepted into a new school for a good career in prosthetics. I'm not sure I can afford to move out into a higher rent apartment. I'm just really feeling stuck and torn. What can I realistically hope for in a wife and should I just be satisfied if I can create a peaceful marriage?

Marriage is for your entire life. It's a long time and you certainly a right and even a responsibility to yourself to find a mate who fits with you. It's one thing to love someone and enjoy being with them in some ways, it's quite another to find a life long partner. It's absolutely reasonable to want to be with someone who shares your interests, style and nature. That's what a mate is for. It's wonderful to find someone who can challenge and stimulate you intellectually. When two people are on the same page, it keeps the marriage vital and alive. Over time you could become very bored in this relationship and feel as though you sold yourself short. You would ultimately be selling this woman short as well if you did not feel truly fuflilled with her.
Having a low rent is no reason at all to stay in a relationship that is not correct for you ultimately. It's not fair to you or to her. Find a roommate, or room somewhere, and get things straightened out here honestly.
All good wishes,
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From your post, I don't get the impression that you're in love with her, in fact I'm not even sure you like her. I'm sure she's a nice person and that you have a lot of fun, but she doesn't sound like marriage-material for YOU.