Looked in his wallet
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| Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:20pm |
did. There have been some issues to make me think (paronoid) that some
things are strange. Like in crowds of people he doesn't introduce me or
he is leaving me and leaves me sitting for 10-30 minutes.
, I haven't done this before & no it's not a good thing to do. We are living together most of the time. When is son is with him he is at his house.
I found 2 phone numbers. I didn't know one of the names. It just said Judy.
I knew the other women. She has had a reputation and I freaked to see it.
I took the number out of his wallet and did not say anything about it.
I left the other girls no. it did not look like busines. It was on a
little pink piece of paper.
What should I do, I don't want to say I looked in his wallet. I do not want
to say anything. If he realizes it is gone he will either think he lost it,
I have it or he left it somewhere. I think it would make him nervous.
Should I make him sweat or what??
THe other girl Judy, I was thinking of asking him if he has a sister named
Judy or I found a piece of pink paper on the floor of his care and stuck it in his wallet. I would like to know the truth but I will probably never find out.

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No you won’t because 1) you are being deceitful and 2) you are trying to play games. Neither of which will give you anything positive.
Your relationship is already in serious jeopardy if you are distrustful enough to spy on him.
Be honest – what is the point of looking for proof of bad behavior if you are not going to be able to do anything with the proof in the first place. You don’t want to confront him because you don’t want him to know you did a terrible thing. A complete waste of time. But now you have to deal with your newfound knowledge.
You have 3 choices:
You can either be completely honest with him about what you did (make sure you take full responsibility for your actions and not blame your choice to spy on him) or then use it to discuss how you are feeling and why you think something is going on. You can also ask him at that time about the 2 phone numbers you found – but he may or may not tell you the truth. You are going to have to decide if your uncomfortable feelings are rooted in reality and therefore you need to look at whether or not your relationship is what it appears to be. Or if your suspicions are due to your own insecurity issues and have nothing to do with him. He may be very angry with you about snooping – and he has a right to. By snooping, in many ways you have take the focus off of why you feel he has been doing things he shouldn’t and put the focus on your own poor choice to spy. This is going to make this conversation more difficult, but it will be the most honest way to go and gives you at least a chance to have a relationship based on honesty and integrity – 2 essentials items for a successful, long-term relationship. This also enables you to discuss what happened on your terms and not because it accidentally slipped out during an argument.
Or, you can just not say a thing, play mind games with him and then you will never know which way is up because neither of you is being honest with each other and all that you will have created is a relationship doomed to fail at a minimum due to a lack of integrity.
Or, you can forget you saw the numbers (pretty hard to do at this point), and just try to have a serious talk with him about how you feel something weird is going on. Just maybe you will be able to find out the truth but I have a feeling that those numbers are going to stick in you and you are not going to believe much of what he says - unless he volunteers some information about what he has been doing lately that explains the numbers. I have to tell you though, once you find something suspicious, it is near impossible to forget about it because that little voice is going to keep reminding you as time goes on and it will probably pop out of you some day when you were least planning it. And then you will have to talk about it under duress and not on your terms.
If you have never had insecurity issues before, and you can base your paranoid feelings on some specific things, then you definitely need to address this issue in some way with your boyfriend. If distrust is a standard pattern with you, then you might want to stay quiet about what you did for the moment and go to see a therapist to deal with your own personal issues.
Good luck.
I disagree. You know what... EVERY woman snoops now and then. Even men. But mostly women bc men are so secretive and mysterious and women... well, we spill everything, talk about everything- our past, future, emotions, family, etc. Men? They do not feel the need to talk about everything. Its not a bad thing, they dont always INTENTIONALLY hide things... but it drives us crazy. So what do we do. We walk by their computer and see their email account staring us in the face. We kiss them goodbye as they go off for 'guys night' only to find 10 minutes later they forgot their wallet. . We borrow their cell phone bc ours ran out of battery... .
No need to lie. We've all done it. And YES.. there is something morally wrong with snooping or "spying" etc. Especially reading emails bc there could be something in there that they ARE intentionally hiding- like a surprise trip for valentines day. etc... or an email from their brother or freind that person didnt want anyone else to know about. get my point? so it isnt right!
and when you know you're wrong about snooping... its even worse to confront him or approach him about your immoral behavior with even more immoral behavior : LYING.
but- what about HIS immoral behavior? I say ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR! BRING IT ON.
if men cannot learn to communicate and open up, they will have to understand the woman's "need" to investigate into his life! what is he thinking when he changes the subject? why does he leave me sitting in the car for 30 minutes? where does he go when he doesnt call for 6 hours? why are all of his answers "i dunno, just hangin out i guess"? why doesnt he discuss with me that he still speaks with the ex if nothing's going on? why does he get so angry and defensive when I ask a simple question? if he has so many female freinds, then why havent i been introduced to them?
ALL the answers may be innocent... but if men close up and act like james bond about their lives... OFF COURSE WE"RE GONNA SNOOP!!! HELLOOOOO!
how do we confront them?
we dont!
finding someone's name on paper... or an email to an ex gf is nothing. very harmless.
He wouldn't ever leave his cell phone lying around for me to get to.??????? He also shuts down his computer every single time he is away from it.
Oh well, I guess you would have to read some of my posts to understand that I'm dealing with a spoiled, whiney, self-absorbed man who just happens to treat me like gold.
Then there's the BUT..... you'll see.....
Just wanted to say something regarding your post.
if men cannot learn to communicate and open up, they will have to understand the woman's "need" to investigate into his life! what is he thinking when he changes the subject? why does he leave me sitting in the car for 30 minutes? where does he go when he doesnt call for 6 hours? why are all of his answers "i dunno, just hangin out i guess"? why doesnt he discuss with me that he still speaks with the ex if nothing's going on? why does he get so angry and defensive when I ask a simple question? if he has so many female freinds, then why havent i been introduced to them?
ALL the answers may be innocent... but if men close up and act like james bond about their lives... OFF COURSE WE"RE GONNA SNOOP!!! HELLOOOOO!
how do we confront them?
we dont!>>
That appears to be a very negative opinion about men. Do you believe that all men are immoral? I can’t tell from your e-mail but you seem to be responding about all men in general. That is quite an indictment if that is what you are saying. If I am wrong and I misunderstood, then I apologize.
And do you believe that men (and women) are not entitled to their own personal friendships. That we must tell each other what we do every single minute? Every single time we talk to someone of the opposite sex?
Sorry but that is a massive sign of failure of any relationship where 1 party feels the need to constantly ‘investigate’ the other persons life. Or if 1 person feels that they have to disclose what they do, who they talk to and what is said every single second of the day. What a lousy way to live. My SO has female friends and I have male friends and they are OUR own business. I do not need to know every time he talks to 1 or what is said. I do not need to tell him every time I talk to one or what we discussed. They are my personal relationships. Our friendships with others do not threaten our relationship. And this includes exes! We have trust in one another and are not insecure about any private conversations that go on. Which is as it should be.
I will agree that if you start seeing signs of infidelity, then you do need to investigate. But as a matter of routine - ABSOLUTELY NOT! In a healthy relationship, there is no reason to snoop, and that includes people having their own private business and conducting their own private friendships. If the man is a poor communicator, then that needs to be addressed through other means (therapy) not by snooping on him.
It sound to me like you are suggesting that deceit (snooping) is a normal part of a healthy relationship and it isn’t. It should only be done when there are serious indications of something going on and the person better be prepared to deal with whatever they may find. Otherwise, all that you do is compound lies on top of lies and the person who found the damaging information just feels sick inside and it builds and builds because the person has no way of releasing it.
As for the OP, she went into his wallet because she suspected something, then doesn’t want to deal with it except by playing stupid mind games – which never accomplish anything but to make things more convoluted and often more misunderstood.
well- basically you reitterated everything I meant in my post. so yeah. if someone is acting sneaky and super private etc they have to understand the other persons' reasons for snooping. no one should lie about why they snooped... if you did it, it was for a reason, so confront the person on it:
"babe, you've been acting strange lately. leaving me in the car for 30 minutes. shutting the computer down every time you leave the room. carrying your cell phone even to the bathroom with you. so the other day i found your wallet in your car and i found two phone numbers in it. i feel like you've been very secretive and on the defense with me that its made me so insecure that I snooped in your wallet. that was wrong but now i have to deal with what i've found and you need to explain it to me. but before you do, you have to accept that fact that if i dont believe you- i have all the reasons listed above not to".
and leave it at that.
now if your man is open with you and has given you no reason to feel insecure etc, then you go snooping. you are completely in the wrong and need to fess up and have a talk with him.
Sorry - I misunderstood. I thought that you were suggesting that all men are sneaky and that as a rule women should snoop - which I didn't agree with.
My mistake.
right on sister.
ps. not all men are sneaky. but here's something i found interesting on netscape =)
C'mon, admit it. You know you've been at least tempted to do it - sneak a peek at a lover's journal or nose through a few of their emails or personal files. Often, we get the urge to pry in private matters when we suspect our honey is up to no good.
But is it ever a good idea to snoop through a sweetheart's belongings...even if you're suspicious of something?
He Says:
She Says:
I have never met any of them or his mom. THey sound
like a reallly weird family. He doesn't see them that
often except for holidays or a crisis.
I think it's weird that I have never been introduced.
If we should stay together, the holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas)
will be a test.
I only have some girlfriends to hang with. My son goes to Michigan
on holidays. My daughter passed away last year and the holidays
are a bummer for me.
I could go to my sisters but sometimes I can't tolerate her husband
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